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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25386001">Soldiers of Balance</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/annonna/pseuds/annonna'>annonna</a>, <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duckie1988/pseuds/Duckie1988'>Duckie1988</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Arguing, Ben Solo Lives, Blow Jobs, Conversation Fic, Cunnilingus, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Force Bond (Star Wars), Gray Jedi, Grief/Mourning, Human Trafficking, Hurt/Comfort, Hutts (Star Wars), Inappropriate Use of the Force, Jakku, Millennium Falcon - Freeform, Oral Sex, Planet Naboo (Star Wars), Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Rey is a Palpatine who decides to be Rey Nobody, Smut, Vaginal Sex, Varykino (Star Wars), physical fights</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:49:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>63,736</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25386001</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/annonna/pseuds/annonna, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duckie1988/pseuds/Duckie1988</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After the battle of Exegol, Rey and Ben have to discover who they are and what they want to do, now they’ve saved the galaxy.</p><p>The only problem? First they have to get along.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Finn/Rose Tico, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>65</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The Gray Jedi Code</p><p>There is no dark side, nor a light side.<br/>There is only the Force.<br/>I will do what I must to keep the balance.<br/>The balance is what keeps me together.<br/>There is no good without evil,<br/>But evil must not be allowed to flourish.<br/>There is passion, yet peace.<br/>There is serenity, yet emotion.<br/>There is chaos, yet order.<br/>I am the wielder of the flame, the protector of balance.<br/>I am the holder of the torch, lighting the way.<br/>I am the keeper of the flame, <i>soldier of balance.</i><br/>I am a guardian of balance.<br/>I am a Gray Jedi.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The kiss had caused Ben Solo to laugh, the joy in Rey’s face coupled with the knowledge that he had finally done something right, something good, was more than enough to put the young man’s mind at ease. He was done. His lifeforce had revived the only person he had left. He could be at peace and rest easy knowing that his final act was one of redemption and perhaps if there was an afterlife, he would get to rejoin his family and use his after life to make amends for all the pain and hurt he had caused.</p><p>But it was not to be.</p><p>The timeless abyss that was unconsciousness should have been peaceful. It should have been painless. But for Ben it was nothing but an endless loop of torment, confusion and pain. A nightmare. He would never know just how long he had been vulnerable for, resting amongst the base camp of the Resistance. Nor did he care to know. It would just become another mark against him, another failure to add to his name. As his mind and body began to unite once more, his eyes fluttered open to stare up at the ceiling of a ship that was immediately recognizable. The <em> Falcon</em>. Not daring to move, he waited, carefully flexing his extremities, one digit and then one limb at a time. Muscles screamed with weariness and he felt about as strong as a newborn. But he couldn’t lie here, helpless, waiting for one of the many voices of the rebels that seemed to merge into one chorus, a din, to come and end him. <em> How am I even still alive? I lay down my life and the universe still has it’s way with me. Typical. I will never be at peace. I will never be able to rest. </em></p><p>A grunt of effort sounded as muscles protested the movement of him rolling to his side, using one elbow to prop himself up. "Rey…" Ben breathed the name, reverence and surprise in his tone. He felt her before he saw her, but soon enough the blurred vision gave way and he could make out her familiar form sitting across the way.</p><p>"Don't —"</p><p>Rey rushed over to his bunk, leaving her post. She had been guarding him since a rather extreme roar from Chewie forced a medic to take care of Ben. Whatever the medic thought of treating Kylo Ren, at least she did her job properly. But there was no misjudging the absolute loathing in her eyes. <em> They might not try to kill him on his sickbed, </em> she realized, <em> but they still will try. </em> Looking down at him, It all felt oddly familiar and completely surreal. She had dreamt it so many times... <em> Ben turned, Ben here, Ben </em> … <em> why doesn’t now feel real? </em> </p><p><em> It should be easy, I </em> should <em> be happy. </em> "Don’t move,” she heard herself saying. "The medic said not to move." </p><p>Opening his mouth as if to speak, Ben gave up with a little groan as he attempted to lower himself back down onto the bunk. <em> Of course. I didn't live. I'm just going to be perpetually punished and tortured in the after life. Brilliant. </em> </p><p>It was the only thing that made sense. It was the only way his brain could reason the strange coldness coming off of her in waves. Ruthless yes, but the woman had never been cold. </p><p>Something seemed to catch up in his brain at that point — she had said medic. "We won?" His question was hoarse, hopeful.</p><p><em> We. </em> </p><p>As Finn was so happy to yell at her while Chewie was hunting down a medic, there had been no ‘<em>we</em>’ until a few hours ago. But he had come, he had taken on his own Knights, he had helped… <em> we</em>. The word felt too big, too much to handle. Rey was staring down at him, but not seeing; as numb to her feelings as her spine was to the floor.</p><p>"Yes," she whispered. "We won."</p><p>There was a sense of relief that seemed to flood through Ben at the words spoken. Though the victory seemed somewhat senseless...without the First Order there could only be chaos.</p><p>"Good." It was the only response he could muster. Unwilling to let the silence claim them, he tried a joke. "So how many people still want me dead?" </p><p>Rey’s jaw worked and tightened over his last word. The numbness she had been cloaked in fell away, twisted and gnarled anger already rooted in the bottom of her stomach. The question she had been grappling with all day was working its violent way out of her. </p><p>"<em>Why?</em>" she hissed. She knew she couldn’t stop it. She had to ask it. She needed to know. "I was dead. I was <em> gone</em>. You were safe. Why did you — <em> how could you?</em>"</p><p>Staring up at the next bunk of the <em> Falcon</em>, Ben was surprised by the venom in those hissed words. He had thought he had done something good, something right. </p><p>Apparently he was wrong. </p><p>And he didn't know how to feel about it. His first thought was to jump out of the cot, grip Rey by her collar and try and shake some damned sense into her. But his current physical state wouldn't allow it. His second thought was to ignore her. Instead, he drew in a deep, painful breath and stared up, taking his time to contemplate his answer. </p><p>"It was clear to me." Ben finally explained, his voice calm and even. "It was the only choice. You deserved to live, and I desired to try and make amends for the horrific things I have done. I would do it again too. I never lied to you Rey, not even as Kylo. You are special to me.”</p><p>"It was the <em> only</em>…" Sputtering as she repeated him, her voice cracked. He was refusing to look at her as he spoke, like a child being lectured by an adult. Tears filled her eyes and she rubbed them out fiercely with the back of her fist. </p><p>"The medics said you nearly died yourself." Her tone hardened, cocooned in anger. "Fat lot of good being special is, if you’re gone."</p><p>"I didn't exactly have the luxury of time to think things through." Ben remarked, his voice tightening as he spoke. The gravelly tones sounded more like Kylo than the reformed man. Perhaps if he had seen she was crying, his words might have been kinder. "Most people might say thank you."</p><p><em> A galaxy without you is nothing to be thankful for, </em> she all but spat. Only his voice, the familiarity of his harshness, kept her silent. <em> Who are we going to be now? Who are we anymore... </em></p><p>"You weren’t wrong," she said, changing the topic. "It won’t be safe for us to stay, once you’re healed. The medic said it would take at least a week."</p><p>"I don't need your pity." Ben replied stoically, again doing his best to sit up but he managed to raise himself up to his elbows before the effort became too much. "And I don't need you to heal me." Pausing, a frown creased his brow. "Just as you don't need to leave with me. These people, they took you in when no one else cared. They are where you belong. Don't throw it away for some misguided loyalty to the creature who saved your life."</p><p>Rey flinched at his self-pity. "It’s not loyalty," she snapped, standing up. "<em>I want </em> to leave. I’m ready to leave." She didn’t have patience or whatever else she needed for this conversation. If she had to sit on the other side of the door to guard him, so be it.</p><p>Alone again, Ben drifted back into a resting sleep. His body needed all the rest it could get to recover from what he had done. It was a miracle in itself he had even survived. </p>
<hr/><p>Rey woke late the next morning, slumped over next to Ben’s door. Picking herself up, she peered into the room. He was still sleeping. He was still breathing.<br/>
<br/>
She set about on her morning routine, Chewie apparently already off the ship. Locking up after she’d disembarked, she looked around for Finn or Poe. Everyone was bustling around, the rebels humming with work. It was surreal that only a day ago, they had been in total war. The base had felt frantic, almost frenetic. Now Rey could feel the difference in the Force, the people and the planet abuzz but in harmony.</p><p>Despite the loss of their General, the rebels were hopeful, even upbeat. And yet, since so many had not had the chance to pay their respects and say goodbye, it only made sense for a memorial of sorts to be held. Leia had been a mentor, friend, and mother to every single person here. She was loved by each one and took with her a piece of each of them. She had considered them her children, her brothers and sisters. </p><p>Quite simply, she had been a good and kind soul, and Finn wanted to honor her.</p><p>"No, no. Make sure the flowers are on the side of the podium. They need to wrap around the base of the tree." Finn instructed Chewbacca who was the only one with enough height to do the task. The Wookie might have been good with a laser or crossbow, but he was not a delicate creature by any stretch. "And be quick. The gathering is due to start in a half hour. People are already coming together."</p><p>Rey found Finn when she spotted Chewie, greeting him with a smart: "General."</p><p>"Ugh — don't call me that." Shrugging off the teasing sentiment, he added, "Or I'm going to start calling you <em>the Jedi</em>." </p><p>Chewbacca lifted his head and sounded his greeting aloud. "Uh uh, not you Chewie. More work, less talk. Rey — take a few steps back and tell me what you think. Floral arrangements aren't exactly what former Stormtroopers are trained for. Please tell me it looks good, or Poe is going to have a melt down." True to form he was babbling and making things seem far more difficult than they needed to be.</p><p>"They look…" Why he would think she would know or care about <em> anything </em> to do with flowers, Rey didn’t know. "...fine." But that was beside the point. "What’s going on?"</p><p>About to make Chewie rearrange the arrangement one last time, Finn hesitated as he noted the confusion on Rey's face. "You don't know?" </p><p>Was he the best person to break the news? Probably not. But here he was. </p><p>"We're having a memorial for Leia. It was Poe's idea and a damned good one I might add."</p><p>Rey’s jaw dropped in shock. "But Ben — he’s only just — he can’t move yet."</p><p>"And...?" Finn replied dryly. "He should be grateful he's alive. Shame, really, if you ask me. He turned away from his mother. He doesn't really deserve to be here…" Finn trailed off as he caught the look on Rey's face.</p><p>She couldn’t listen to it. Not another word. How could Finn be so casual about it? As if Leia’s son meant nothing to her? Prickling behind her eyes told her that tears were not far off, and she would not cry twice in a day. She would <em> not</em>. She was stalking off, looking for Poe when she saw him making his way towards them. </p><p>Meeting Rey halfway, Poe folded his arms. "I take it you heard."</p><p>"Yes."</p><p>"And you have an opinion."</p><p>
  <em> "Yes." </em>
</p><p>"Well." His tone invited her reasoning even as his face remained unimpressed, as if he were irreproachably neutral on the subject. </p><p>"He’s her <em> son</em>, do you think this is what Leia would want?"</p><p>"I'm sorry but what? Do you think Kylo Ren’s career was about what his mother wanted?" In hindsight, Finn would know he never should have opened his mouth, but he didn't understand Rey's weird protectiveness over Kylo. "Leia would want all of us to move on and be happy. She knew as do we the cost of war, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one so why should now be any different?"</p><p>"Who needs to say goodbye more than him?" Rey snapped, glaring at Finn. She hated when it came down to her against Poe — Finn always sided with his co-General. She could already feel the argument slipping away, lost before it was started. It turned her pitch up, giving her pleading edge as she tried, "Just until he wakes up, he deserves to be there." </p><p><em> Kriff. </em> Rey knew that was the wrong word to use. </p><p>"<em>Deserve</em>?" Poe repeated, his eyebrows raised. "You want to talk about <em> deserve</em>? Because we all know what he’s been doing, Rey. We all know who he is." His voice was rising, drawing attention. </p><p>Rey could feel the Force around her, needling her anger. Her hands fisted at her sides, holding back the emotion threatening to choke her. "You have to wait for him to wake up, <em> she was his mother!" </em></p><p>"And yours, too, Rey," Poe yelled, finger in her face. "And mine. And Finn’s, and Rose’s, and Kaydel’s — she was <em> everyone’s </em> mother here. And <em> we </em> don’t deserve to wait because someone <em> who threw her away </em> is napping."</p><p>Finn had to interject then, pushing his body between the two as he batted Poe's hand away. Keeping his back to the pilot, Finn watched Rey warily. "Alright. You two have made your point. Stand down. Both of you." The words were spoken calmly, though there was an edge to them. He was very much aware of the crowd that had gathered to farewell Leia and were instead watching the three of them. "He can make his peace in another way. Look around you Rey. They all need this, and it needs to happen now. I'm begging you, don't make this harder than it already is."</p><p>Tears were streaming now, and Rey knew her face had crumbled. Her voice was barely a broken whisper. "She died for him, Finn."</p><p>"Well, we <em> lived </em> for her, Rey," Poe snapped, watching her with new anger. </p><p>Finn swallowed thickly, wanting to get the situation under control. "Rey, find another way for Ren...Ben...to say goodbye." The press of the crowd seemed to be drawing tighter, everyone jockeying to watch their leaders fight. "Please, these people love you like they did Leia. They look to you for hope. "</p><p><em> I am nothing</em>, she wanted to scream at him. At them. At everyone.</p><p><em>I am </em> nobody. <em> This isn’t supposed to be </em> me. <em> I’m supposed to be... </em></p><p>Instead she made her decision. Reaching up in an angry hug, she held Finn tight. "I’ll see you soon, I promise." She couldn’t bring herself to look at Poe, squeezing her eyes shut tight as she held her best friend before turning away, walking back to the <em> Falcon</em>. If Finn had known that the angry hug was actually a goodbye, he might have said more, done more. It didn’t sound like a long farewell, but it didn’t sit well either. Embracing her silently, he watched Rey disappear into the crowd before taking his place at Poe's side. </p><p>Rey waited at the ramp of the <em> Falcon </em> until Chewie was done paying his respects. With a hug that lifted her into his strong arms, she cried into his fur, holding him tight and promising to look after Ben. Giving her an extra squeeze, he plopped her down, ruffling her hair as he told her the Force would be with both of them. Smiling blearily, she nodded before she walked up the ramp, unable to spare so much as a glance backwards.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter contains possibly triggering material. See the end notes for content warning.</p><p>If we missed anything in the tags, please let us know.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first thing Ben became aware of as he woke again was the motion of the <em> Falcon</em>, idling somewhere in the vast expanse of space. What he could not be sure of was how much time had elapsed since his brief stint of consciousness, or why they were not on Ajan Kloss, but at least he didn't feel as though he would fall the moment he stood. </p><p>Experimentally, he heaved himself onto his side, then sat up to plant his feet firmly on the cold floor. <em> Just one foot in front of the other</em>, he told himself. <em> Just to the door. It's easy. </em> Opening the hatch, he smiled to himself at the sound of familiar hydraulics, not noticing what was dozing against it. Waking with an undignified squawk, Rey fell ass over thermajug backwards into two very solid <em> somethings</em>. Ben loomed above, grasping the doorway heavily so as not to fall over her.</p><p>"No!" she barked groggily, one arm trying to right herself, the other jabbing up at his face. "You shouldn’t be out of bed."</p><p>Something like a smile played on his lips. Evidently he was feeling better. "I need the ‘fresher," Ben remarked mildly. "Would you like to hold my hand? Or should I just wet the bunk?" He might have let go of some of his anger and fear, but he was still his father’s son and sarcasm was a genetic trait. </p><p>Glaring up at him as he moved past her, Rey stood to follow him. If he fell, she wasn’t taking him back to that base. Walking behind him, she tugged on the Force, just in case he needed catching.</p><p>Ben couldn't help but smirk at the soft patter of Rey's footsteps behind him. Childish as it was, it was nice to know he wasn't totally alone. And nice to think that she was staring at his backside as he had oftentimes done of her. Whatever they had or were to each other, there was a respect and sense of belonging all the same. </p><p>The walk to the head wasn't all that far, and yet as he got closer he found himself holding onto the wall every few steps to support himself. Maybe Rey was right, maybe he shouldn't have been out of bed yet.<em> Maybe this is how weak the Light feels, </em> a more sinister voice hissed from within. Pushing it down neatly, he focused on his walking, letting it fade into the deepest recess of his mind. </p><p>Once relieved, he leaned as casually on the door as he could muster and opened the hatch. He knew Rey was waiting to help him on the other side, but even still...</p><p>"I don't want to go back to bed,” he sighed, clearly struggling with his next words, "but I do need help getting somewhere I can sit."</p><p>Rey found herself struggling to meet his eyes, he had never been so openly vulnerable in front of her. Every other time he was this honest was when they were either in danger or forging a Force connection. They had shared more intimate moments (<em>we </em> have <em> kissed, </em> her mind kept reminding her), but this was all felt completely new. <em> No way through but through. </em>Taking his hand and running it behind her shoulder, she looked up, suggesting, "The hologram lounge?" </p><p>"Yeah." Ben replied, his muscles tensing slightly but offering no resistance as Rey drew his arm over her shoulder and begrudgingly leaned his weight on her. Ben concentrated on not leaning too heavily on her; it sapped all of his focus. The pace was slow, his shame at needing help dissipating with the closeness of her body — it made Ben feel alive for the first time since he had woken. Rey couldn’t ignore the effect either. The heat of his chest pressed close to her, the rise and fall of it brushing her cheek... She hadn't let go of his hand, glad for their shuffling and the excuse it gave her to savor the moment.</p><p>They didn’t talk as they made their way to the hologram lounge, sitting down together carefully. Once he was settled, Rey went to the galley for water and rations. Ben needed to eat and drink before he passed out again. </p><p>"Why are we out here?" he called as he shuffled a little to get comfortable against the plush cushioning.</p><p>Coming back with her arms full, she set the table. It was strange, doing this for someone else besides Chewie. </p><p>"We were unwelcome." It was concise, and if he wanted more detail, she would give it to him. But she hoped he was tired enough to squash that Organa curiosity.</p><p>"We?" Ben inquired lightly. "No. I was unwelcome, you were home."</p><p>Rey gritted her teeth to keep from snapping that if <em> he </em> was unwelcome, that meant <em> she </em> was, too. Someday he would learn that. Instead she buried herself in her food, shaking her head.</p><p>Allowing silence to fall, he sat forward, reaching for bread and other such dry rations first. He doubted his stomach could suffer through anything too much right now. Breaking off some of the bread, he chewed it slowly. It was stale but passable. As they both sat eating, he realized what had been an awkward moment had turned into companionable silence. It was strange, how they could just fall together like this — uncomfortably comfortable, brutally honest. </p><p>"I miss her." He spoke suddenly, breaking off another crust of bread. "I regret not saying goodbye."</p><p>His voice surprised Rey, startling her out of chewing. Looking up, she caught his eyes. “I thought…" It was hard to say. Maybe if they had been able to go to the memorial, if they had been able to say goodbye, it would be easier to explain. "I thought she was eternal." </p><p>The thought seemed silly now. Obviously General Leia Organa-Solo, Princess of a planet long-since destroyed, last of the great Rebels who vanquished the Empire, and Senator of the Republic had to die eventually. But the galaxy felt a little dimmer without her. "I miss her, too."</p><p>Silence. </p><p>Neither party knew what to say, and yet somehow both understood how the other felt. They returned to eating, letting the found solace and comfort flow through the bond. They were quiet for a long while, continuing to pick at the food and sip at the water. </p><p>Once sated, Ben watched her mopping up the ration pack gravy with her insta-leavening bread. He wasn’t sure how receptive Rey would be to his input. "I can only assume you don't know where to go, given we're idling somewhere far away in the galaxy. But I have an idea on where I would like to go."</p><p>For a moment Rey had a crack about taking him back to Jakku on the tip of her tongue, but her curiosity won out. "Is it safe?"</p><p>The ridiculousness of her question made him chuckle — there was nowhere <em> safe </em> for him in the galaxy. Even though his amusement was at her expense, it still squeezed Rey’s heart. It was...well, besides Exegol, it was the first time he had ever smiled, laughed, with her. She couldn’t help wondering how long it had been since he had laughed...</p><p>"I'm not exactly in any shape to go somewhere that I don't deem safe. Have you heard of Naboo? It is located in the Chommel sector, a region in the galactic mid-rim. It's like no other." Despite having never been to Naboo, his eyes became wistful, as if reflecting on a favorite memory. "It's covered by dense swamps, rolling grass plains, and verdant hills. Underneath the planet's surface is a tremendous maze of passages and caves. It is a peaceful place. My grandfather and grandmother… it was a place dear to them both."</p><p>"I’d like to go somewhere green," Rey admitted, remembering Takodana. "I want…" When was the last time she got to choose where she went? Or why. Or even with who. The war was over, she didn’t have to be anything anymore. "I want some peace."</p><p>The hesitation as Rey spoke caused Ben to look up and he studied her face. Peace was a naive concept. "You've seen it yourself, first hand, by the sheer nature of will, there will always be wars waged. There will always be crimes. There will always be cruel individuals. Peace is a matter of relevance." And he couldn't assure her of it. "The entire galaxy is no longer locked in battle against a common enemy, but there will always be pain and suffering." There was a sadness to his tone, but it was undermined by the matter-of-fact explanation.</p><p>A tear slid down her cheek. "I know.” And she did know, but she wished he wouldn’t treat her like some stupid child chasing a dream. “And I don’t want to stop fighting." <em> I don’t know how. </em> "But we could maybe try something quieter?"</p><p>Seeing her upset tore at his heart in ways he never knew possible. Ben's hand trembled with the effort, having already pushed himself further than he should. But as if it had a will of its own, he reached out to brush away the tear. "I need time to heal. Naboo is safe and quiet. We can rest there."</p><p>The kind gesture made Rey look up. She didn’t know how to react, thousands of questions and tirades and instincts were warring in her. Unconsciously, her hand reached out, taking his, letting it ground her. <em> It doesn’t have to be everything now</em>, she told herself. <em> There’s time now. </em> Still, her cheek was tingling where he had brushed it, and with his hand in her own, she couldn’t ignore the feeling. Wrapping his fingers gently with both her hands, she brought his fingers to her lips, pressing a soft kiss to them.</p><p>The moment was tender, sweet even, and the smallest ghost of a smile tugged Ben's lips upwards in the corners ever so slightly. <em> Perhaps there is somewhere I belong after all. Perhaps my purpose is right in front of my eyes. Protect the girl, love her, find peace in her. </em> </p><p>But the moment couldn't last and he cast his gaze downward, his smile fading. "I believe Leia and Han once visited Naboo. The ordinates should still be in the <em> Falcon’s </em> memory. Hopefully." Ben still could not bring himself to call them mother or father. He doubted he ever could.</p><p>Watching Ben, she could see the pieces of him Rey loved best shining through. As if she knew it couldn’t last, she felt herself sealing off this moment in her memory, hers to keep forever. "I’ll take care of it." Her husky voice was full of that quiet emotion that sat between them. "You should get some more rest. I’ll help you back to your bunk."</p><p>The tightening of his fingers around her hand, a gentle squeeze, was about the only thank you that Rey would receive. He didn't trust himself to speak. And if he did, what would he say? But Rey understood the squeeze, and all the heavy baggage that went with it. So much had come to pass, so much was left unsaid. Maybe someday they could talk through this, maybe they never would, but either way, neither wanted to risk it now. He supposed that was the signature of whatever was between them. Insults meant love and when these moments happened, words were too hard and just a distraction. </p><p>The idea of returning to the small chamber stuffed with three stacked bunks was not appealing to Ben, but he had enough self awareness to know that it was better to allow himself time to fully recover. "Promise me you will take a chance to rest yourself? And not sleeping propped up against the door either."</p><p>His concern touched her. "I promise," she told him softly. "I’ll program the hyperdrive and then rest." She had spent many a night asleep behind the <em> Falcon’s </em> helm. It was as good as any bed she had slept in, Han and Chewie had seen to that. She stood, coming around to his better side to slide under his arm again. "Don’t go easy on me this time, I won’t break."</p><p>Begrudgingly, he rose to his feet using Rey as a crutch. Being weak, vulnerable, helpless was a tall order that bordered on pain for Ben and his alter ego. Both prided themselves on being strong — being dominant. It was both the Skywalker gene and the typical Solo attitude. <em> It's not forever</em>, Ben reminded himself. <em> Just long enough to heal. </em></p><p>"I'm going to enjoy sparring with you when I am well," he remarked. "But you still have much to learn. You still have that look in your eyes. From the forest. You called me a monster." His face still mere inches away from her own as he studied her. "You weren't wrong. I am a monster. You've always known it, you just didn't want to believe it. But do you remember what I told you? I told you that you were nothing. I didn't lie. You are nothing. But not to me."</p><p>The gentle sense of contentment lulling deep inside her was wrenched away with those words. Anger flooded Rey, compounded by her fury that she let him drag her down the same terrible hole he lived in. She nearly dropped him on purpose, glaring into that hateful face. "I am not <em> nothing</em>." Her tone ice even as her eyes blazed. "I was <em> never </em> nothing."<br/><br/>Shouldering the kriffing bastard down onto his bunk, she added, "And maybe I have something to teach you, <em> monster</em>."</p><p>"Maybe you do." Ben called out as Rey left the room. Was that guilt he felt? Had he done something wrong? Human emotion was not exactly a strong suit. Anger, rage and hate all were welcome and familiar feelings, but this was all new and uncharted territory. Honestly he was trying, but it was hard to teach old dogs new tricks. Especially ones with a disjointed and damaged soul. But with his overwhelming exhaustion, it didn't take long before Ben fell deep into sleep again. </p><p>Meanwhile, Rey broke her stupid promise to get some rest, unable to sleep after he had riled up all her anger and resentment and whatever the hell else was buried down there. So she chewed every hangnail, picked every scab, stewing in the vat of nerfshit the universe had dumped on her. Self-pity didn’t come easy, but when it did happen, it hit hard. Especially when she felt she should have known better all along.</p><p>But as the <em> Falcon </em> jumped out of the hyperlane, most of her darkness fled. How could it stand up against something so beautiful? Naboo was everything he said it would be. The green stretched on and on in every direction, all the way to the horizon. She was always in awe of new worlds, but the green ones were her favorite by far. She set them down not too far from a village outside the capital, Theed. When nobody made contact or came to greet them, she used the Force to call on the mood of the people — they had spotted the <em> Falcon </em> and only the children showed any real interest. It seemed no one would bother them, at least for now.</p><p>Watching the glowing sunset on their new world, Rey felt herself finally dropping off just as Ben stirred. The first thing he noted was the constant hum of the <em> Falcon's </em> engines was gone, followed closely by a foreign sense of calm. It should have been comforting, but for a man so confused with who and what he was, it was unsettling. </p><p>Sitting up, he realized the meal must have done him wonders — his condition was really improving. He was able to move about on his own steam, not even requiring the walls of the ship to balance him as he made his way towards where he sensed Rey. Curled up in the pilot’s seat, she looked peaceful, quiet, beautiful. </p><p>It caused a longing in Ben that he didn't quite understand and quickly confused for desire, need and lust. It would be so very easy to take advantage of her current vulnerability, to feel her skin on his, to feel her warmth. But it would also be very wrong. Kylo or Ben, it didn't matter. Rey had always held a power over him, one he didn't realize was love. And it was that which stilled his hand on many occasions when he could have killed her, and it was that which kept him in line now. </p><p>Kylo had taken what he wanted, when he wanted and from who he wanted. But it was something he could never do to her. And Ben? Ben didn't have the courage for such things. Together both halves of his disjointed psyche were in agreement. Rey would not suffer at his hands. Not any more and never again. At least not on purpose.</p><p>Carefully he picked her up, groaning slightly at his body’s aches and pains, and deposited her in a bunk, only taking the one above her after ensuring the <em> Falcon </em> was fully secured. Not that he felt hostility from these people, but because trust was a thing earned, not given.</p><hr/><p>Jakku. The desert heat was dry in Rey’s nose and mouth. <em> Water? </em> Had she forgotten her pack? Where was her haul? <em> Water? </em> She stepped off the wreck and the sand swallowed her whole. She opened her mouth to scream but nothing came out. Darkness was pulling her downwards as light ripped her upwards. </p><p>And then the balance snapped.</p><p>The world pitched violently into nothingness. No life. No light. No Force.</p><p>Rey had no mouth to scream with, no hands to grab with. She was cut off. <em> I can’t fail. </em> Cut away. <em> I’m not ready. </em> Cut out. <em> Not yet. </em></p><p>The nothingness surrounded her, emptiness eating away at her from the inside out, and there was no Force to save her. Her mind was dissolving, disappearing into mist on the hills of Takodana and then she was shrieking awake in a bunk on the <em> Falcon</em>.</p><hr/><p>With Ben’s need to recover, his sleep was dark, quiet, for once empty of his repetitive nightmares. The high-pitched shriek sliced right through that peace.</p><p>Sitting bolt upright, he slammed his head into the bunk above, sending him tumbling out of his bunk to the floor. </p><p>Rey heard the heavy <em> thump </em> of something hit the floor, her eyes going from staring above to staring below at Ben. Her breath stopped — he was here, she was here. The nothing was gone. The Force — she pulled it around her, harder than she meant to — was still here.</p><p>Rubbing the back of his head, Ben looked up to see the fear etched on Rey's face. </p><p>"Rey?" </p><p>Bile rose up and she pitched out of the bunk to the head, racing past him as she began vomiting violently. </p><p>"Rey!" Ben called again, but she was already out the door.</p><p>Gripping the toilet tight as she retched, she shut the door with the Force. Chewie had seen this; Finn had, too. Even Poe, on one occasion. When her dreams were too real and she lost control. But Ben didn’t get to see this. Ben wouldn’t soothe her like Chewie, or tell her stories like Finn. At best he would be like Poe, peering at her with new eyes, trying to furrow out her story. </p><p>Sighing in despairing confusion, he sagged against the door. It took a moment, as he thought about what he could do or say. This was not his area of expertise and it was clear Rey did not want an audience. </p><p>"The dreams never go away." Ben murmured. "Sometimes they leave you be, but it's just a trick. Sometimes they foretell what is to come. Sometimes it's just the manifestation of your fears. If you want to talk about it, I'm here."</p><p>Rey really knew this had to be real when Ben was kriffing teaching her something new about the Force. Groaning in frustration, she pulled herself off the floor. <em> Dreams could tell the future? </em> That was useful to know. <em> Wish someone else had told me sooner. </em></p><p>Leaning into the sink, she splashed herself with water, rinsing her mouth in the sink. She didn’t want to open that door, didn’t want to face him. Since when was he there if she wanted to talk? The very thought made her bark out a bitter laugh. Even if she wanted to, they had already proven they couldn’t talk about anything. Sliding down the door, she let her head rest against it as she gave her order: “Go back to bed, Solo.”</p><p>Anger rose within Ben. He was <em> trying </em> to be nice. He thought he was <em> being </em> nice. And yet she banished him, withering annoyance plain in her voice. </p><p><em> Always alone. </em> The voice of self doubt attacking him from within. <em> Your parents sent you away, and she is, too. The only person you have any worldly connection to. </em></p><p>His anger festered fast and before he could stop himself the words were already on his tongue, sarcasm dripping thick and wet in his tone. "Just follow another Palpatine's orders? Why not? You're the boss." </p><p>Rey was on her feet, tearing the door open, in his face — all in seconds.</p><p>"Don't you <em> dare</em>," she yelled, anger rippling out of her. "Don't you dare <em>ever</em> call me that again. <em> You </em> don't get to talk about that."</p><p>Ben didn't flinch, though the attack did take him by surprise. Standing to his full height, he loomed over Rey, dark eyes dangerous and unreadable. The anger was oozing off her in waves, his own ire rising to match it. </p><p>"And <em> you </em> don't get to order me around. I was through with taking orders from anyone, Snoke, your grandfather, Luke... I'm not going to bow to your whims. But it seems fitting that the granddaughter of the great Darth Sidious is apt at bossing others around."</p><p>“My<em> grandfather? </em> ” she repeated, incredulous he would use that word. “My parents ‘<em>were filthy junk traders.</em>’” She knew every word by heart, heard it in her nightmares. “‘<em>Who sold me off for drinking money. I come from nothing,</em>’” she was screaming now, tears streaming down her face. “<em>I am </em> nothing!"</p><p>The band holding Ben's better judgement in place was drawn so taught that all it would take would be one wrong word from Rey and it would snap. His arms were tight at his side, hands balled into white-knuckled fists.</p><p>“And you,” she continued, her face now in his, teeth bared. “Han loved <em> you</em>, cared for <em> you</em>, and you <em> murd—” </em></p><p>He could almost hear the <em> twang </em> of the band snapping, his control gone as he snatched the Force in his right hand, reaching out to lift Rey off her feet and to crush her throat. </p><p>"Don't." The word was more of a choked hiss. "Don't you dare. <em> Love? </em> " His face twisted into a sneer of incredulity. "If my father, my mother loved me then why did they send me away? And take in a scavenger, a <em> nothing </em> in my place?"</p><p>Whatever had been keeping Rey from breaking him like every bastard in Niima was gone. <em> Be the bigger animal</em>, she remembered. Snarling, she kicked out, one foot into his stomach, the other into his groin. At the same time she rallied the Force in her hands to push Ben away, a feral scream screeching through her teeth.</p><p>If Rey had only kicked his belly, Ben could have recovered faster. But the kick to the groin brought him to his knees. <em> A dirty play, </em> he mused with contemptuous admiration, <em> but a smart one</em>. He dumped Rey as he fell back, her wrists catching her body hard. Her lungs couldn’t get enough oxygen, gasping for air as she scampered to her feet. </p><p>Groaning, he fought to breathe deeply through the onslaught of pain and stand again. His sabre. He had thrown it away. But he didn't need it to fight. Hand to hand combat was enough. </p><p>"You should have left me to die. Go ahead. Finish the job now. If you can." </p><p>His eyes were wild, feral even as he struck out at her. To his frustration and humiliation though, it seemed he was the one on the back foot. Rey bore down on him and he found himself fending off blows more than trading them. What he did have though was experience on his side, and though his punches might have lacked the strength they normally had, his finesse and technique was still there. Rey was sloppy at best. This was nothing like the fight in the throne room. Everything was disjointed, unconnected. The bond was shut, making it raw, inflamed.</p><p>And there it was, the opening he was after: Rey dropped her hands a half second before she would throw them and he pulled the Force to strike straight at her face, his fist moving fast and fluid.</p><p>"I was done. I was nothing. I am nothing now. Because of you." Spittle flew with his words, the venom dripping from them.</p><p>Something dark inside Rey purred at that, even as she took the hit. Let him know the hollowness of being inconsequential. </p><p>Except his declaration insignificance was just more self-loathing, trussed up to match his wounded, oversized ego. It drove her punches to his torso, looking to knock the breath out of him. She didn't want to hear one more word, he didn't deserve to say anything, let alone about her. </p><p>She was glorying in every punch she landed, proud to cut the bastard down to size.</p><p>Ben was drawing too much on his already depleted energies but he didn't care. A filthy sandrat was not going to get the better of him. One clean punch to his lower abdomen was all it took for him to teeter and begin to topple forward, the air rushing from his lungs with a soft <em> 'oof' </em> of surprise. Catching himself on her shoulders before he dropped, he drove his knee up into her chest.</p><p>Rey could only half block the attack with her own leg, as he smashed her downwards. Baring her teeth with a growl of pain, she struggled out of his hold, driving a Force-filled punch towards where she knew his kidney was. </p><p>If he wanted to suffer, she would help him.</p><p>The dark edges of his vision were slowly seeping inwards, disguising Rey's punch. Before he could regroup, he was sent to his knees, sharp pain bursting from his side. With a strangled cry of pain, he toppled forward. </p><p>Rey smashed downwards on his spine, sprawling him out. </p><p>Ben's chest heaved as his face rested against the cold metal of the ship. One arm was caught beneath him while the other scrambled to find purchase on something beside him, pulling himself up to his elbows and knees. Breath ragged, uneven. Blood pooled in his mouth, dripping from it before a coughing fit wracked his body and it spattered the ground beneath him. His pride was gone, decimated by a cruel, unfeeling galaxy. Using his last vestiges of strength, he came up to his knees. He was done. He would face it like a man. Just let it be over.</p><p>
  <em> "Kill me!" </em>
</p><p>His scream of self-pity only made Rey want to kick him harder in the balls. Standing over him, watching his sniveling display, she felt as much pity as she did hate. <em> Such a selfish child</em>.  </p><p>Kneeling down to his level, she shouted, “That’s all you ever want, isn’t it? For people to just <em> give </em> you what you want.” Grabbing his chin like a child, she forced him to look at her when he answered.</p><p>He would not be walked over. Not now. Not yet. This was not over. <em>That's all you ever want, isn't it?</em> Cold fury clenched in his stomach, but Rey’s grip was the opening he needed. Grasping desperately at the Force, he brought his fist up to slam into her face. </p><p>Crashing backwards, Rey rolled up to her elbows to see Ben towering over her once more. </p><p>"No," he said, voice dangerously quiet. Anger was a powerful force, one which fueled Ben and always had. It was part of the Skywalker curse. "All I ever wanted was to know the love of my family. And all they ever did was fear me."</p><p>Rey could feel it was his truth, <em> knew </em> it as deep in her bones as he did in his. And despite the pain and all her anger, Rey threw her head back and laughed.</p><p>Laughter. He could feel every muscle in his body screaming with effort and pain, the edges of his vision beginning to darken and blur. She had pushed too far, and he would end her. </p><p><em> "Shut up!" </em> </p><p>The shriek was Rey’s only warning as his shoulder rammed hard into her abdomen. Her head cracked off the cold floor as and he landed another punch landed to her face. </p><p>Rey was used to pain, habitually compartmentalizing it during fights. But as he smashed through her, taking all the breath out of her body and then dazing her with the second blow to the head, there was no way to ignore it anymore.</p><p>That kind of attack, it left both fighters unbalanced, giving her a split second to collect: two punches to the head — fuzzy hurt aching behind her eyes. <em> Why do I always give him so many openings? </em> Coughing, she rolled her face up, freezing when she saw his fist poised above her head. </p><p>Reflexively, Rey flinched, curling into a defensive position. The movement seemed to catch Ben, fist still raised in the air, but unmoving. </p><p>Opening her wincing eyes, Rey looked up into his stricken face. He was paralyzed and she knew the truth. </p><p>This time her laugh was weak and bitter, full of hurt. Because just like for her, the truth didn't matter: “Your family did love you.”</p><p>"And yours didn't love you. That's why you stole mine," Ben retorted, equally bitter. "She called to me through the force on Endor's moon — not to save me. To distract me, she did it so you could impale me." He paused, sucking in a deep breath, he let it out shakily, lowering his lips to her ear, his breath hot on her neck as he continued, "She died for you, not me."</p><p>She shook her head, the fight going out of her as she thought dully, <em>Is that what he thinks?</em> <em>Nobody died for me.</em> <em>Only you, and I wish...</em> She shut the door on that thought quick as it came to her.</p><p>Leia’s sacrifice deserved to be heard. “She had a vision you would die at the end of her Jedi path,” she found herself explaining. “I guess the Force doesn’t like to be wrong,” she added, mirthless amusement huffing out in a laugh.</p><p>Ben scoffed and turned his head away as he rose to his feet. He had no words of reply. Turning his back, he left Rey on the floor and stalked towards the entrance ramp. He needed air. And it wasn't until he was out of Rey's line of sight did he reach out to the nearest wall and hold it heavily for support. If there was a better time, Rey didn’t know it, rolling off the floor to follow him. She could feel the tumultuous wave of emotion flowing and crashing through his body, that he didn't know how to calm the angry ocean within.</p><p>“She was training with Luke, before you were born. She had a vision her journey would kill you. She abandoned the Force, and she couldn’t train you, so she trusted the wrong man.”</p><p>Barely able to listen, Ben knelt in the plush grass, pitching forward and slamming both of his fists into the grass with a strangled growl. He began to tremble as he fought the silent sobs hijacking his body. "She abandoned me,” he gasped. “Just as your parents did. The reasons don't matter. The truth lies in the action."</p><p>“Leia <em> loved you</em>.” </p><p>Rey came to sit in front of him. </p><p>“Han <em> loved you</em>.”</p><p>She reached out, taking the same hands that had punched her. </p><p>“They knew they made a mistake.”</p><p>
  <em> And it’s never going to fill that hole in your soul. </em>
</p><p>"Did knowing the truth of your parents change the fact you were sold? Heedless of their reasons? Did the knowledge fill the void in your heart?" </p><p>It was a rhetorical question. He knew the answer as well as she did. The gentle touch of her hand on his was grounding. It took him a moment but he finally shifted his weight to sit back on his heels. </p><p>"I suppose we have more in common than we like to admit."</p><p>Rey started a derisive snort, but her bruised cheeks cut her off — they did not appreciate her screwing her face up. “I’m glad you’re finally learning.” </p><p>As the apology was reciprocated, Ben let his hands drop feebly back to his side, lowering himself gently to recline back on his elbows, looking at the moons of Naboo. He'd heard of the beauty of this place, but now he was free to soak it in. Moving over to lay next to him, she looked up, too. The sky of Naboo was unlike any she had ever seen. The moons less like satellites and more like glittering bulbs dangling heavily above them. The planet’s very nature seemed beautiful, as if it could have a soul. </p><p>After a long pause, he spoke as if to the stars. "I can't say that tonight will be a one-off. We both have many festering old wounds. It will happen again." A sobering thought, but honesty was all they had, after decades of lies.</p><p>“Well,” Rey said, eyes flicking to him. “Next time I won’t let you win.”</p><p>“Win?” There was no venom, only a quirk amusement. “That's a term of relativity. I'm pretty sure I'm never going to father children after that kick." </p><p>She tried to crack a smile, but hissed at the pain in her cheeks. Whatever happened when she laughed at him, she must have really struck a nerve. Keeping her tone carefully light but deliberate, she told him, “Good news: I promise I won’t be laughing at you again.”</p><p>Silence hung between them as Ben realized she was aware of how much any sniggering humiliated and incensed him. It was a peace offering, for as much as they did peace. Tilting his head just enough so he could see the dark shades of purple blooming on her cheeks. It wouldn't be surprising if he had damaged the structure of her bone beneath. They had both been out for blood, neither of them pulling their punches. His bruises were on his trunk — out of sight, out of mind, unless he needed to channel it to the Force. The bruises didn't matter anyway. He already bore the scars of Rey upon his face, like a road map of their strange bond. What were a few more aches and pains? </p><p>A lecture would no doubt follow on over-taxing himself, but he didn’t care. His hand reached out as he drew on the Light, healing her face. </p><p>Rey knew she shouldn't have let him do it, but she was selfish, too. The touch was comforting, despite the fact that he had been the one to deal her the blows. His signature curled gently against her cheekbones, soothing away the throbbing aches. Rey could feel the heat of his hand between the cool healing of the Force. Even now, after everything she had put him through, he used it so carefully with her. </p><p>“You’re the only one I can hurt,” she whispered, coming up on her elbow. She couldn’t look him in the eye, couldn’t let her hand touch his torso as she started healing him too. “You’re never afraid.” </p><p>The soft admittance left Ben speechless. It was loaded with emotion and truthfully he didn't quite understand why she had said it. Rey was many things, but a cruel sadist was not one. He had a crack on his lips about being her personal punching bag, but couldn’t bring himself to cheapen her admission. Not when he could feel the sorrow emanating from her. </p><p>Was it the comfort she needed? He didn't know what to say. </p><p>"Whatever we are, whatever this is... I won't turn away from it." </p><p>Those seconds between her words and his response were some of the longest Rey had experienced in her life. She kept letting him in, but this time he opened up, too. It was exactly what she needed, and that was terrifying. Now all she could think of was her hand, and how far it was from his body — and how unnatural it would be for her to just drop it down. </p><p>Enjoying the intricate feeling of Rey knitting his injuries back together, he reflected It was all very intimate in a strange way. But still, he yearned to feel her touch, denied as Rey kept her hand hovering just above him. </p><p>Floating into the Force, Rey gave him more than he had taken in the fight. For all his fire and spit, he was still weak. It was easy to drift into the healing here, the Light moved naturally, comfortably through her. It was a far cry from the outer rim, one that she was grateful for. </p><p>Letting his head fall back again, he looked back to the sky. The temperature was pleasant. The stars were saying 'hush' as they shone down upon them. All was calm, all was still. "I think I'm going to sleep the rest of the night here."<br/><br/>Rey nodded, not trusting her voice. She wasn’t sure how much later it was when she finished. It couldn’t have been too long, her own reserves were still low, but everything was peaceful. Assuming Ben was asleep, she lay down next to him, eyes following the line of his profile. “I won’t turn away either.”</p><p>Ben didn't hear it. He had long since drifted to sleep. His breathing deep and even. But she hadn't needed to speak the words, he already knew them. She had left from all she knew and loved to keep him safe. That spoke volumes as far as he was concerned. Slowly but surely she was clawing away at the tall, dense walls he had built up. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>CW: Rey and Ben are both still in fragile emotional states. Rey has a nightmare which turns into an argument, and then a physical fight. During the fight, Ben uses Force choke, they both trade blows, and then Ben is triggered by Rey laughing at him and bodies her. They then manage to have a conversation.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Content warning in the end notes.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The sun rose and with it, so, too, did Ben. The first thing he was aware of was the warmth beside him. Rey. A private smile graced his lips as he slowly sat up to watch the sunrise in quiet contemplation. Naboo was perhaps one of the few planets in one of the few systems that had been spared the horrors of the First Order. A thing Ben had done out of respect for Anakin and the planet he held most dear. Here he wouldn’t have to hide, maybe here he could escape his past life and learn who he was meant to be.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nothing in particular woke Rey, which felt strange. Nightmares, bunkmates, and living on a rebel base made that next to impossible for the last year. And before that, nocturnal scavenging hours. She stretched slowly, not opening her eyes. Whatever she was sleeping on was plush and soft, she rolled over to burrow her head into it, never expecting the dewy grass.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As she sputtered, Ben thought it best not to watch Rey in her morning rousings. Keeping his gaze on the horizon, a knowing smile on his lips, he instead listened to the commotion next to him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Finally waking up in earnest, Rey realized several things at once: she wasn’t on Ajan Kloss anymore, she was next to Ben Solo, and they had slept outside. Her first instinct was to bolt back into the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Falcon</span>
  </em>
  <span>, if only to save her the indignity of morning breath, but she found she didn’t want to. In spite of her internal panic, somehow everything felt as peaceful as it had when she fell asleep. That was worth savoring. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rolling back to stretch out again, she said, “Good morning.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was only when she offered her greeting that he turned to look upon her. "Morning. And consider this an official welcome to Naboo." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Coming up to sit, she looked out on the field. Planets like this, they were special. Rare. Somehow its Force essence felt gentle and tidy. Takodana had felt like this, too. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe it’s a green thing?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Rey mused, taking in the vista. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Or maybe it’s me, and how it makes me feel?</span>
  </em>
  <span> She couldn’t tell, maybe it was both. It didn’t seem to really matter. Especially after her belly growled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We should go to the village today, trade for some real food.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Real food? Now there is an idea I can't say no to. " Ben stretched, he felt well enough to make the journey. "Though I'm not quite sure what we have to trade."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She rolled her eyes. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Of course</span>
  </em>
  <span> he didn’t think she had money. “The Resistance did pay, you know.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Immediately she froze, scared she had stepped on an emotional landmine. It was such an easy joke, it had felt so natural...</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A sound similar to a snort of indignation came from Ben as he shook his head slightly. "That's a good thing, then.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rey breathed a sigh of relief that he wasn’t insulted. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My credits are gone,” he continued, an involuntary shiver running up his spine. It had nothing to do with the breeze that blew through the clearing and everything to do with the vivid memory of his purpose: </span>
  <em>
    <span>Save the girl. Protect her. Love her</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The message had been as real as the fight against the Final Order. The Force had called to him, The Force had guided him to her. “After Kef Bir, I left with nothing. Not even my sabre. I had to leave the past behind or I'd have never been able to help you win. So, consider me stone cold poor." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A confused grin broke on her face — he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>joking</span>
  </em>
  <span> with her. Like a friend. Like a real friend. “Don’t worry.” She leaned over, shouldering him playfully. “I’ll teach you how to scavenge.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A comment about not lowering himself to that miserable depth sat on the very tip of his tongue: </span>
  <em>
    <span>I might not know who I am, but I know I am not nothing.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Thankfully this time his mind was quicker than his mouth and he forced the impulse down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Owww!" he whined, rubbing his shoulder and over-exaggerating his reaction in a way that struck Rey as very Han. Being away from the Resistance, connecting with Naboo — it had raised his spirits, revealing a brief glimpse of the real man behind the mask. Standing, he offered a hand down to Rey. "Come on, I'm uncomfortably damp and wouldn't mind a change of clothes."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Taking his help, Rey felt a smile broadening out to her dimples, rubbing her fingers and thumb over her palm after he dropped her hand. As they moved up the ramp, she fell slightly behind, trying to control her expression. It was so easy to hope this was how it would be from now on, but this was only for now. Everything with Ben had to be just for now. But at least he was trying.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have some clothes I thought might fit,” she said, glossing over that technically it was Chewie who had pilfered them on the base for Ben. Reaching up to a top bulkhead, she pulled down the large bag of assorted clothes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With a tilt of his head, Ben looked at the assorted clothes. Fortunately there wasn’t much in the way of color — mostly black and charcoal tones. He didn't know what else to say other than to awkwardly accept the bag. "Thank you." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Manners?</span>
  </em>
  <span> The very thought of Kylo Ren possessing manners almost made her laugh. “I’ll just — my clothes are in the bunk.” She pointed to the one where they had slept the night before, still trying to get that grin under control. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ducking past him, she shut the door as she flattened her back to the wall, holding herself up against it. She felt flushed, her face definitely red. The </span>
  <em>
    <span>Falcon’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> wall was cool, and turning to press her face against it, she tried to ignore that she knew exactly what this was. She needed to focus, get her feelings organized. It wasn’t possible anyway, so what did it matter? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Shucking her clothes with a soldier’s utility, wiping herself down with the Resistance’s cleaning pads. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Kriff.</span>
  </em>
  <span> She hadn’t given any to Ben. Quickly changing into a grey outfit, she couldn’t keep wearing her whites in the grass, she poked her head out of the bunk. Trying to manage her scarf one-handed with the cleaning pads in her other hand, she called, “Ben?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Kneeling on the floor, digging through the large bag, Ben had been sorting his thoughts (how warm Rey was, how simply being around her lightened his mood) and clothing (two piles for what didn’t fit or he would never wear, the other of what was suitable). </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Are you saying I stink?" Ben queried lightly as he looked at the cleaning pads in her hand. Although it made him realize he did, and he needed to freshen up, lest he put the locals offside with his odor. "Okay, fine. I can't recall the last time I bathed. Give me the pads and move so I can have the same privacy you afforded yourself." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Unless you want to watch.</span>
  </em>
  <span> The sly thought slipped into his mind as he remembered one of their first meetings through the Force bond and how embarrassed Rey had been to find him staring down at her, shirtless.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Extremely self-conscious of herself, Rey walked over to pass him the pads. "If we're going to stay for a long time, we should maybe find a lake or somewhere that will let us bathe." They could always go stay at an inn, but she didn't have enough credits to make that a habit, and frankly, she wasn’t that picky. But then, that would mean they would have to be naked around each other. A blush rose in her cheeks at the thought.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As he took the offered cleaning pads, Ben noted the slight flush before taking them. The tension that had night prior been purely contemptuous had shifted to something else now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lingering a half-second too long to be natural, she quickly turned on her heel and shut the door behind herself again. Because she, too, was thinking of that time in the bond. It was something she hadn’t allowed herself to think about for a very long time, and unsealing the memory was </span>
  <em>
    <span>so easy</span>
  </em>
  <span>… Leaning against the wall, Rey started counting tallies in her head, an old habit from childhood. There had been days where all she could do was number her neat etches in the wall and wait for the hunger to pass. Counting could keep her from thinking about anything. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Except Ben Solo’s chest. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And eyes. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>She groaned, letting her head rest against the wall again. She hated how right Luke was sometimes. No, she wouldn’t go over to the Sith, but she kept opening herself up for a pretty pair of eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben didn't say a word, not trusting himself to. Not until the cool chill of the air as he cleaned and dressed had calmed his heat down sufficiently. Only then did he speak: </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"There is a place I would like to find. It's where Anakin and Padme spent their time here."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Peeking out when he spoke to see him fully dressed, she asked, “Do you know where it is?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Not exactly, but I'm sure many of the locals would have known where the great Padme Amidala resided while she was here. From the little bits I've seen through the Force and been told it's situated on a great lake and water way." Ben explained as he secured his belt. The one thing he had yet to do. "I can't imagine anyone would have gone there since. These people revered her."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Keeping her eyes off his hands and waist, Rey let her natural curiosity take over. Loathe as she had been to ask Kylo Ren questions, it was much easier to ask Ben Solo. “Who was she?” Shaking her head, she added, “I know she’s your grandmother and a Queen, but why is she venerated?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben’s face took on a look she had never seen before. Something reflective, almost hesitant. "She was Queen, these were her people. She wasn’t born into the role, but elected. Her life was dedicated to her people and public service. But she abdicated to protect them, to become a Senator to better serve her people and the galaxy as a whole." Ben’s voice was soft and it was clear he spoke with awe. "She was brave, strong and willful. My mother, Leia, she truly encompassed all Padme stood for. Padme was then, as Leia has been in our time. An angel, a hero and a soul born of love." The care with which he chose his words was evidence of his love for his mother. He had idolized her. Her betrayal had truly been a defining moment in the rise of Kylo Ren — as much as the scared boy waking in the middle of the night to his Uncle's wrath had been.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Whatever Rey expected, it certainly hadn’t been tenderness. The way he spoke of his grandmother, and then his mother, shocked her. Gone was her self-consciousness and judgment. It was easy now to take Ben’s hand, so she did. With Leia alive, she had never really considered what it must have felt like to Ben, to feel abandoned, when to Rey, he so obviously wasn’t. There had been no money exchanged, no one left him, or was dead and gone...until they were.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>“And Anakin —” she was careful to use his name, not his title “ — he loved her?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben's jaw stiffened. To hear anyone else but himself call Darth Vader by his former name was unsettling. "I believe so, in his own twisted way." Ben looked down to their joined hands, his expression changing. His grandfather had been weak, he had let his love die. Vader was strong, he let nothing stand in his way. "I suspect the people of Naboo would be protective of her. I doubt they will outright tell us where her estate and final resting place is. You won't like it but we may need to make them tell us."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rey dropped his hand like he was scalding her. The shift in her attitude was so abrupt it left Ben confused as to what he had done to anger her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her hands balled into fists, fingernails digging furious crescents into her palms, as Rey crossed her arms. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Have you ever tried asking people?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I never said I wouldn't ask,” Ben retorted, a little defensively. “I was just telling you to be prepared to blur the lines if they aren't as open as you hope."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Whatever he thought he was going to do, Rey wasn't going to let him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"But it was okay to mind rape a storm trooper to free yourself, but not to ask for directions?" Ben questioned. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The words sounded so casual, so meaningless, that it sent Rey’s mind reeling. "Are you actually incapable of seeing the difference of being held prisoner and asking for </span>
  <em>
    <span>directions</span>
  </em>
  <span>?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Okay fine. We do it your way." Ben huffed, arms folding defensively around himself. He didn't understand what was so wrong about instilling a tiny bit of his will onto another just to make things quicker and far less traumatic for everyone involved. "But when it doesn't work, I get to say I told you so."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rey opened her jaw several times, surprised he had dropped the argument so readily. She had been preparing for a long, protracted conflict, possibly with fists again. And not that she trusted him, but was he really just saying...okay?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Blinking for a good comeback, all she had was, “That won’t be necessary.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Lead on, then."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Following just a step behind her (which had absolutely nothing to do with the view), Ben realized that he had much to prove. The previous night was testament to the fact that old habits were hard to break along with the fact that he has a damaged emotional platform from which to base his judgements on. Affording such a small win for Rey felt like one of the hardest things he had done. But, if her way took too long he would take matters into his own hands and suffer the wrath of Rey after. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Making for the direction she had seen the village when landing, Rey sat in the awkward feeling of winning the fight. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Had it been too easy?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Five minutes later they spotted the first houses and she stopped and rounded on him, Ben holding his startled ground. His muscles coiled as he instinctively pulled the Force around him. “No talking. One —” she fumbled for the right word for his </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘blur the lines’</span>
  </em>
  <span> idea “— funny thing and I will Force kick you in the balls so hard, you won’t get up this time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When it was only a verbal threat, a little tension seemed to ease his shoulders down. Even if it was only marginally. The memory of her last kick alone was enough to make him sweat. But he had decided to play along and apparently that started now. Refusing to be intimidated, he stepped into her space, the already small distance between them becoming non-existent. Her breath hitched as he grinned, towering over her. Pressing a single finger to his smirking lips, he sidled past Rey. If she didn't want him to talk, then she wasn't going to get a verbal answer. He really could be a petulant child sometimes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Watching him strut off, Rey couldn’t decide if she wanted to hit him or chase him and </span>
  <em>
    <span>kriff, this shouldn’t be this hard.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Especially when he was doing it to be annoying. Which it was. Mostly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Leaving that thought behind, she jogged to catch up, meandering through the streets, looking for the town square she had seen flying in. It didn’t take much to find what she was looking for, the sounds and scents were carried on the wind. Rounding a corner, they found themselves in a corner of the large square. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Scanning the crowd for what they needed, she spotted it right away. Taking Ben by the arm, she used the same strategy as when she was in the field with Finn, dragging him across the center to a florist’s stall. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Picking up a rather august bouquet with a brilliant dark flower at the center, she turned back to Ben, saying, “Wouldn’t Leia have loved this one?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The infamous Kylo Ren was not the best of actors and neither was Ben Solo. Not that her throwing him headfirst into her plan helped any. Especially since the flower was, in fact, very much </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> something his mother would have loved. Not that he cared. Why should he?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rey was tempted to stomp on Ben’s foot to get a response about the stupid flowers. At least he finally nodded. It was something. Schooling his expression to something less confusedly repulsed, he finally nodded. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He might have been 'playing along' but he was not about to make it easy. And she had told him not to talk. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Brat. Plain and simple. Ben was as much of a brat as his father. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Excuse me,” she called to the florist, her voice polite but also somber. “What is the name of this flower?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The florist bustled over, saying, “A millaflower, native to Naboo.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rey looked overly-impressed by his words, her eyes widener than normal as she nodded. She was not exactly a fantastic liar either. “It’s beautiful, but I don’t know if it would be appropriate?” She pulled Ben tighter to her as she said, “We knew General Organa-Solo, and we were hoping to pay our respects. Since there is no monument, we had hoped to leave something special at her mother’s grave?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The florist's otherwise happy and helpful demeanor seemed to change abruptly as Rey not-so-subtly steered the conversation towards the great Padme. Ben would have rolled his eyes, had Rey not pulled him closer to her, tripping his mind over to his smug pride in correctly assuming the Naboo were protective of their fearless queen.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I don't know what you are talking about," the florist barked, his tone no longer friendly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So the name does mean something. Ben found himself feeling hopeful. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right…” Rey said, trying to find the most graceful way out. “Well, would this be appropriate for a funeral?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The florist sniffed at her and shook his head, pointing at something that looked ridiculously expensive. Opting instead for a modest bloom of white-ish pink flowers, she paid the price he asked for rather than bargaining and turned around. Well...it wasn’t a complete loss. At least she now did have something to put at Padme’s grave.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Cringing as she turned to Ben, she tried to beat him to the punch, blurting out, “I have a plan,” just as he proudly announced, “I told you so.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With a bemused and somewhat bored smile on his lips — he really couldn't help himself — he taunted, "But do tell, what is your next big plan?" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was merely humouring Rey, anyway. Folding behind his back, his wrist tugged on the florist’s mind. It had become such an art to Ben that he didn't even need to speak the cues, instead implanting the suggestion with his mind alone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Scurrying back over, the florist started, "Excuse me. On second thought, I know exactly where you need to go." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If Rey had been paying proper attention, instead of looking for the nearest local dive, she might have noticed what was happening. It wasn’t until it was too late and the florist was coming back over that she realized she had been played.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Unwilling to cause a scene, she dug her nails into his bicep. Looking down, Ben knew he had been had. Rey’s eyes flashed with protective fury. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Stop this</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Well, kriff.</span>
  </em>
  <span> But at least he hadn’t spoken, so maybe she would spare him the pain of another low blow. With a long-suffering sigh, Ben released the florist from his will. He had been so close too.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The salesman looked completely baffled and confused, but at least he pointed them towards the worst bar in town. Wrenching Ben away with a vice-like grip, Rey practically threw him inside when they reached it. Shoving him into a filthy corner, she finally let go of his arm. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cornered in more ways than one, Ben felt the wall against his back. Watching her warily, he tried to breathe deeply. After Luke, the man didn't like being trapped, anger intertwining with panic at her manhandling. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Rey wasn’t paying attention, her eyes shut because she would be damned if he got to see how bad this question hurt, she said, “Tell me this isn’t all a trick.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His voice was coiled tight in his throat as he hissed, "I don't know why you expected Ben Solo to be a saint. Kylo Ren was a child in a mask, cruel and damaged. But I am still the son of Han Solo. There is no trick, I just don't see the point in creating more work when there is an easier way." He explained calmly as he looked around. "Do you think your precious Luke or Leia wouldn't have used this technique? Many Jedi did. Yoda, Kenobi... Shall I go on?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Is that who you want to be? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Luke</span>
  </em>
  <span>?" She couldn't believe that. "This morning you called it </span>
  <em>
    <span>mind-rape</span>
  </em>
  <span>."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's a damned expression, you stupid girl." Fingers tightened into fists at Ben's side. He was fast getting done with the all high and mighty Rey Palpatine ordering him around like he was some whipping boy. Was he Kylo Ren? No. Was he still himself? Every damaged, scarred, and beaten inch of him said yes. And he did not like being treated like a nothing, a nobody. Exasperated, it was taking all of his self control not to go straight to outright bodily force again. "For Kriff's sake, of course I don't want to be like Luke. I want to be me." </span>
  <em>
    <span>Whoever that is.</span>
  </em>
  <span> "So here's an idea. You think you're all knowing, why don't you tell me who I am? Who I should be?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rey flinched at his words. He was right — she was treating him like a child. She wasn’t his mother, and she certainly didn’t want to be. His behavior was a nuisance, but she couldn’t police him. And he was still listening to, if somewhat waywardly following, her demands. Screwing up her face in frustrated contrition, she said, “Fine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It felt so naked out there by itself. “Just.” She didn’t really have anything more to add, just: “Can you please try being patient?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'll let you in on a secret." Ben met Rey's gaze as he lowered his face to hers, brushing past her cheek and letting his lips graze her ear as he spoke. A shiver ran down her spine as she watched his lips coming closer, something she knew that had nothing to do with their moral quandary. He had seen the way she'd been looking at him. It was the same way he'd stolen glances at her when she wasn't looking and the reason why he'd unashamedly lagged behind in the interest of watching her. He wanted to play on it, he wanted to see her squirm. "I never was good at being patient."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her mouth ran dry. Was he flirting? Rey was no virgin, but if she was honest, she had never flirted with anyone before in her life. She had no reply, no idea what was appropriate. Her palms went flat to her legs — </span>
  <em>
    <span>he’s just doing it to get his way.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Clearing her throat and stepping back she tried to smile naturally. She had no idea if that succeeded. “Have you ever tried bribing a bartender? No patience needed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I've never needed to." Ben shrugged, his shoulders rising and falling ever so slightly a boyish smile that screamed innocent. It felt good to get under her skin and the awkward way with which she stepped back and the strange forced smile that looked anything but natural was evidence of the fact. A fact he committed to memory. It might prove to be an easier tactic than fighting her head on. "I just figured at least my way we'd save ourselves some credits. It's not like we have an expendable amount.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Considering the florist’s attitude, Rey thought the information would cost more. The bartender glared at them for even asking, and the credits made him sneer. All the same, money was money and his honor was unaffronted enough to take the bribe: Padme’s people had constructed a mausoleum in her honor in the east. Noting the coordinates, she ordered two firewaters for them, and joined Ben sitting down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A long moment stretched between them. Rey was deciding if she was brave enough to ask about what had been bothering her since she dropped his hand this morning. “You don’t have to answer this,” she was using a line Finn often used with her, “but when you talk about the women in your family, it’s very different from the men.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You're right." Ben remarked casually. "I don't need to answer it, because it is a statement not a question." And something he wasn't quite ready to answer yet. Another firewater or two though, and the walls would begin to crumble. As it was, he drank the first beverage somewhat quickly. He was thirsty, and hungry, his body using what reserves it had to continue his quest for full strength.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rey’s mouth twitched. It hadn’t exactly been ‘first drink material,’ as Poe would have put it. Shrugging it off, she took a sip, and went with the easy stuff. “We can leave for the mausoleum tonight, if you like. Or tomorrow morning.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Taking a moment to think over both options, the young man decided on: "Morning. We aren't on a schedule right? So why rush." Said the impatient one. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She huffed a laugh in her cup. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Now that he has what he wants, he doesn’t mind waiting to play with it.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Hang on a minute, what do you mean?" Ben suddenly queried. "I don't talk about anyone differently."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The callback surprised her. “Yes, you do. You’re very…” She paused, looking for the right word, tapping her cup. “Reverential. About the women in your family.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The drink was true to its name. Firewater. It had sent warmth throughout his body and there was an unfamiliar feeling of disengagement between his mind and his body. He should have known better, having never had anything alcoholic in his life. He never liked losing control. He was dominant, strong, he craved structure and mastery. This was a strange new playing field for him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No I don't." Ben shot back. At least he didn't think he did. "I just...respect their strength. The men in my family are all cowards." </span>
  <em>
    <span>Myself included.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Is he...is he</span>
  </em>
  <span> tipsy?</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Rey immediately signalled the bartender for another round. She was not above taking advantage of a loose-tongued, drunk Ben Solo. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Besides, he’s the one who started playing tricks</span>
  </em>
  <span>. If he was allowed to be a child, so was she.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“All of them?” she repeated, rather surprised. She thought he would have some respect for Vader...</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"All of them." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The truth passed his lips before he had a chance to stop them. Yes, he idolized his grandfather but he never really knew why other than his power and strength. But he was still a coward. He ran from Padme when she needed him most. "Myself included." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A week ago, she would have agreed. A week ago, she would have said it first. Now she wasn’t so sure. She threw back the rest of her first firewater. They had been separated a year. Rey had made friends, found a life, learnt to hold her drink. She had spent nights and nights getting drunk off-base with Kaydel, Rose, Finn, and Poe. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But what had Ben done? Rey obviously </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> what he had done, but — she hated that she was even </span>
  <em>
    <span>thinking</span>
  </em>
  <span> this — how lonely had he been? He had lost everything, given it all up without conditions or promises, all because he knew it was the right thing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She reached out for his hand to cover his, tracing over the now familiar feel of the veins and hair. “You’re the bravest person I know.” She couldn’t blame that on the alcohol, no matter how much she wanted to.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I was the supreme leader. I ruled the galaxy, commanded fear in my enemies.” Looking down at their joined hands Ben snorted and shook his head. “But I was just a puppet. Did you know that? Did you know they called to me? Through the Force? Even before I was born of this world?" Ben looked up, meeting Rey's gaze as his grip upon her hand tightened but not unpleasantly so. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So many questions were racing through Rey's mind that she didn’t even sense four men approaching until they were next to them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"So you're the imposters asking for </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span> resting place." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A large man, with three others flanking him. _Shit,_ Rey thought. _No wonder the information came so cheap._ The bartender was planning to take all her money anyway. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Downing the second beverage, Ben loomed to his feet though his gaze didn't leave Rey's, silently seeking permission to play with these fools.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rey couldn’t tell if Ben was going to use the mind trick or murder them. The men were all unarmed, as were they, though they were hardly defenseless with the Force on their side. Standing to join him, she shoved one thought through their connection: ‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>No killing</span>
  </em>
  <span>.’</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>‘No killing,’</span>
  </em>
  <span> he agreed silently. Even tipsy, Ben knew better than to create chaos and draw attention. They came here for peace, and he had no desire to destroy that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You will leave us alone. We are just here to drink. In fact,” he said, as if struck by his own genius, “you're going to buy us more, just because you like us so much." Rey’s eyes shot to him, impressed with that extra command. Considering the men had come here to beat them, Rey didn’t have a lot of sympathy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A calm glaze came over the four mens’ faces, their bodies acting almost mechanically to follow the implanted suggestion.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If Ben was still playing her, Rey didn't like how well it was working. "Thank you,” she said, holding back a frown as she sat down. It felt strange to be thanking him. _Him._ Looking between the troublemakers, the table, and Ben, she pulled her chair closer to him, taking his hand again. How did he have such a pull on her? Why did she always want more of him?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What did you mean? What you were saying before?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben sat down, fumbling a little for his chair as he did so. Again he found the feel of her hand against his strange. It was warm, it was real, it was tender and he couldn't quite process the strange sensation it had over him. It was as if a mixture of a kind touch and some liquid courage had set off a wrecking ball around the most guarded secrets he had. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I was explaining that Ben, Kylo we are one. He has been with me since before I could walk or talk. Like a poison, slowly killing all that I should have been. And now I'm torn. Torn between both realities. The line is so blurred that I can't tell where the truth lies anymore and I can't find which way is up. It's like constantly drowning. Constantly being suffocated." Shaking his head as he realized what he was saying he eyed the drink and then Rey suspiciously before sipping at it again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"But look at me now,” he said, trying to take back his narrative with dark humor. “I was The Supreme Leader. And now I don't even have a sabre. I am a disgrace to both my true name and my chosen one."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rey swallowed. The heaviness of the conversation was pulling her down to some truths she didn’t want to face. She had to be honest with him though, no matter the cost — he deserved that much. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You can be whoever you want to be.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Even if that takes you away from me again.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “You’re free now. I wouldn’t stop you.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Unless you made me and please don’t do that again...</span>
  </em>
  <span> “I wasn’t being nice when I said you are the bravest person I know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I'll never be free." Ben stated in a moment of clarity. "Not of my past, not of my fears. And I don't know who I want to be. I like it, the power of the Dark Side. It's like a high you can't describe. But I also like the comfort of the Light. And I like basking with you in it." As soon as he let those last words slip Ben looked up at Rey to gauge her response, half expecting her to laugh at him again. Her eyes were already studying him when he met hers. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bracing herself with a large swig of firewater, she slowly let the truth out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love the Light,” she murmured. “But I can’t live in it all the time. I’m not...the Dark Side is a piece of me.” She took another generous gulp. “Luke was wrong. The Jedi were wrong. I don’t want to be them. I want to find another way...with you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was all she really wanted. More than anything. A way to live in balance with the Force with him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Where Darkness rises, Light rises to meet it. When Light rises, Darkness must balance it. Such is the nature of the Force." Ben explained solemnly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There could not be Light without Dark or vice versa. But something of an epiphany seemed to dawn within his drunken mind. "The balance needs to be within us. A new way. Together."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A hopeful smile broke over Rey’s face, clasping his hand tighter. “Exactly.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You're beautiful. You know that?" Ben breathed out the words, husky and soft. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Heat burst under her skin, flushing through her face. His voice when he was speaking to her, really speaking to her, was dangerous. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m starting to think this is your first time drinking.” It began as a joke, but as she said the words it occurred to her it might actually be true.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It is my first time,” he admitted, chuckling. Red rose in his cheeks, turning them the same shade of red Rey was currently sporting. “The idea of losing control... I couldn't stomach it."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was strangely exciting to think she was experiencing a first with him. Firsts were special and fun, a celebration. She still remembered when she and Finn stuffed themselves silly on a heap of food they had bought and paid for, all because it was the first time they could eat as much of anything that they wanted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Leaning forward conspiratorially, she asked, “Do you want to learn some drinking games?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Did he want to make a habit of this? His rational part of his brain said </span>
  <em>
    <span>absolutely not</span>
  </em>
  <span> but his current state of mind was all for it. Leaning forward, elbow on the table, one eyebrow arched, he glanced around the room and beckoned Rey closer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Well, it seems we're no longer paying for our drinks. Let's do this."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The little gesture felt like a huddle, and she certainly wasn’t complaining about their free drinks situation. “There’s some we can play without cards or dice. Like Two Truths and a Lie or Credits. Or we can ask if they have cards.” She moved in a little closer, sharing her wisdom. “But nothing with die, they’re always loaded.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once more Ben glanced around. "If you think they have cards then ask. Otherwise I am intrigued by this Two Truths and a Lie." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>By its name, it sounded like a game that was far too close to learning more about one another. Another day, another time and Ben would have slammed the door closed on this little venture into unknown territory but there was something to be said for the loosening of inhibitions. For in the here and now, it seemed like a good way to break the ice. Kylo Ren and Ben Solo alike didn't exactly have the best of social skills or etiquette.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rey held up three fingers for a demonstration. "I love flying," she put down a finger, "I hate storms," she put down another finger. "And I've eaten bantha shit."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"So I have to pick which ones were truths and which one was the lie?" he asked, frowning. "Or do you say them in that order — two truths and then a lie? Because I hope to the heavens you've never eaten bantha shit before."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I definitely have not eaten bantha shit," she said smiling. "You can say them in any order. But because you guessed correctly, I take a drink." She held up her half-drunk second firewater and cheers-ed his before taking a deep sip. "If you guessed wrong, you would drink. Your turn."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It seemed like such a simple game and Ben decided that it was suitable. He had a feeling he was not necessarily going to be the one doing all the right guesses though. Following Rey's lead, he held up three fingers. "I am a trained pilot. I'm scared of the dark. I like the colour blue." As he said each statement he put one finger down at a time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rey studied him, watching his face for tells. Even tipsy, Ben still had the face of stoicism down pat. He was a master of the mask in more ways than one. Impassivity was second nature, and not everyone could be as obvious as Finn, reaching for clumsy lies. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I've seen you fly, so you've trained..." The last two were hard. Would he admit something he was really afraid of, or was he deflecting from the fact that he did, in fact, like colors... </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You're scared of the dark?" she ventured slowly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Truthfully, he thought he might have bested Rey on this round but she had him. He entertained lying and pretending he liked the color blue briefly, but in the spirit of being a good sport he decided to be honest. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Wordlessly he picked up his glass and drank from it. "I've been scared of it since... Ah, you know what? It doesn't matter. Your turn."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t like it either,” she whispered. The darkness of the desert the first night at Niima Outpost had never left her. It was why she hated lightning storms. Rain was lovely, but thunder rolling over the dunes in the dark was terrifying.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Holding up three fingers, she cast around for some strong ideas. “I hate fuzzy tauntauns, I haven’t lost a fight since I was eleven, and I had never flown before I was 19.” She had practiced reviving and piloting the smaller ships she had saved, but that was only for Plutt. She hadn’t actually flown anything before the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Falcon</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This was far less easy than Ben expected. Rey had a smile that was as impassive as his mask, and he couldn't pick her tells. He studied her a long while (ignoring the little voice that told him to use the Force on her) before finally remembering the answer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You have lost a fight since you were eleven. So that is a lie."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Really?” Rey asked over her drink. “When?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Surely she had, surely he had bested her? It took a moment to recall, but then he had her. "You lost to me." Ben stated simply. "Our first fight, on Takodana."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Kriff</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She finished her third one, muttering, “I had forgotten about that.” Technically he cheated, but she still let him get the opportunity. “My lie was I actually really like fuzzy tauntauns.”</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>She ordered one without getting up, stewing slightly. Maybe she was tipsy, too.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>To play fair, Ben rose his glass and drank deeply. "I didn't technically guess the right answer. You believed it was a truth," he explained. "Actually what's a fuzzy tauntaun? I want to try one." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He thought carefully about his next three options. "Alright, I enjoy nature. I've never been drunk before. I'm a virgin." This one was an easy round.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rey snorted just as the bartender brought over her fuzzy tauntaun, which she gave to Ben. "Another, please," she gasped out. "You must really hate nature," she added after the man tottered away, as if the answer could not be more obvious.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben stared at Rey as if she was growing a second head before jumping up in frustration. "That's your answer? </span>
  <em>
    <span>That's</span>
  </em>
  <span> seriously your answer?" He couldn't believe it, it was downright insulting. "I just told you before this is my first time drinking!" </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And it showed, his speech had begun to slur. As the bartender brought his tauntaun over, Ben gulped half of it down. Rey took it to mean she was right, almost smirking with pride. Really though, he needed the liquid courage, not knowing there was a numbing agent in the foam.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Thinking he was the most sultry and seductive person in the galaxy, he swayed above her. "For the record, I'm not a virgin." Without any warning he leaned down to kiss Rey.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The second she saw his lips coming, Rey knew what was happening and knew she didn’t want to stop it. And really it should have just been funny to her. The whole thing. But it wasn't, even if she was worried he might keel over on her. Her legs stood her up as her arms went to catch him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Awkwardly staring, caught between giggles and something else, she told him, “You won’t feel it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A confused frown creased Ben's forehead as he looked down at her. He was aware she was holding him up more than his own steam, but truthfully he didn't care. All he could focus on was her giggles, her lips, the way her body felt against him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No," he slurred. "Maybe. I don't know. You'll feel it though." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Catching her chin with his hand he tilted it carefully up. "I'll show you I'm no virgin."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As his lips pressed to hers, soft at first, then probing, Rey forgot entirely where they were. The kiss should have been sloppy and horrible, like all the others she had witnessed in taverns, but this was precise, methodical. His approach surprised even himself. Perhaps he was holding back so that when Rey recoiled inevitably in disgust, Ben could turn the situation into a trick, a joke. Or maybe he was being careful because Kylo and Ben both wanted the same thing right now. Maybe he was just that damned good of a kisser. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rey drew back, looking at him. It was like this the last time they kissed, only now they were safe, alive. Suddenly her hands were fists in his collar as she opened her mouth to him, pushing into his. Ben smiled against her lips as she reciprocated in earnest. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Had there been no alcohol involved Ben would have waited like a patient puppy for Rey to engage before making any advance. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Take her. Here and now. Mark her as your own for all to see,</span>
  </em>
  <span> a wicked, primal voice urged from deep within. But Ben paid it no mind. Kylo took what he wanted, his only goal was his own pleasure. The young man here and now was different. He wanted her, more than he knew.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His free hand grazed up her thighs in a tantalizingly slow movement. "I want you. I </span>
  <em>
    <span>need</span>
  </em>
  <span> you." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>This is a bad idea</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Rey knew it, thought possibly maybe even Ben knew it, but right now, she didn’t care. “Are there rooms available upstairs?” she yelled at the barkeep.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He nodded, frowning.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rey reached out for his keys, snatching them through the Force. “We’ll pay later.” Grabbing Ben’s hand, she practically ran up the stairs. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This is bad, this is bad, this is bad</span>
  </em>
  <span>, kept playing in her mind. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He’s still healing, this isn’t safe, you can’t trust him.</span>
  </em>
  <span> She couldn’t stop thinking of every single reason not to take his hand, even as she led him on.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben was caught up in the moment. The Force seemed to vibrate and hum between them, only encouraging them. The tension that was always there, the tight coil of strain, had all but snapped. The Force enveloped both of them, steering them towards a singular goal.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Keeping a firm grip upon her hand as he allowed himself to be led up the stairs, Ben waited just long enough for the door to be shut behind them before he was upon Rey again. His physical presence dwarfed her as he held her against the wall. But there was no hate, no malice. In his eyes was reverence and need. Rey barely felt like her body belonged to her anymore, feeding into this longing between them. Like the Force was there, knitting them together. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His lips claimed hers again, all gentleness gone. Their bond was feeding on passion and desire.  Pressed up against him, she could feel every muscle she had only glimpsed once and never forgot. Ben’s hands roamed, kneading at her skin as he worked his lip from her neck to her breasts.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Catching his eyes from between her breasts, Rey grabbed his face, kissing him fiercely before moving along his jaw. Bringing a hand up to push his hair back, she nipped at his ear, licking along the shell. He was warm and real and he definitely wasn’t a virgin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I've always wanted to do that," she admitted, breathlessly biting at his lobe.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He may have been no virgin, but neither was Kylo Ren a maker of love. He took what he wanted — no passion, just robotic movements to achieve release. This was entirely different. Ben’s mind was focused on one thing. It gave the appearance of sobriety, but it was just the way his mind worked. Laser-like focus on a singular goal. Each movement was instinctual yes, but also very methodical in his approach. His jaw clenched against her ministrations, breathing heavy after the fierce kiss. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ears had never seemed like a sexual object but the feeling to her teeth grazing such a sensitive part of his skin enticed an involuntary moan from his lips. "I've always wanted you." His lips traced the exposed line of her collar bone, hands moving to paw at her clothing. "To have you, to feel you, to fuck you." Crude as the words may have been, there was no denying the loaded heat behind them, or the double meaning. He had simply replaced 'love' with 'fuck' because he wasn't quite ready to delve in to that territory yet. But more than that he knew this would be a battle of wills and dominance, each one trying to ensnare the other, to make them beg. Breaking apart, Ben pulled his shirt over his head. There was no going back now, and as he caught Rey's eyes, he knew she felt the same. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rey’s stomach fell away at his admissions. She still wasn’t sure she could trust him, but she absolutely </span>
  <em>
    <span>knew</span>
  </em>
  <span> he wasn’t lying. And she had wanted to fuck him, long before anything else had developed. To slam him down to the floor and take what she wanted, consequences be damned. Pushing him back by his broad shoulders, they edged back towards the bed while she tried to kiss her way over his broad chest. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Throwing Ben down across on the bed, she came up to straddle him, ripping at the scarf over her outfit and opening her tunic. He was all too happy to tumble down onto the bed, ensnared and enthralled by Rey. She was on him in an instant, unrelenting and ardent. Kissing, biting, licking. Rolling her hips back to settle over his groin, she groaned at the heat she found there, coming down to bite his shoulder in need. He ground into her, pressing his strained erection against its confines. With no clothing interrupting his view, Ben unashamedly let his gaze roam over every inch of Rey. Using his size advantage and roughly flipped her beneath him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She had never been touched like this. Never. Not even close. She could feel the beast of him, vibrating just under the surface — the one she would have fucked if they were strangers in the desert. Except, she realized, she never would have let him near her on Jakku...he would have been too much of a threat. Not just to her body, but to everything. Ben was unraveling her defenses, tenderly taking her vulnerability in his hands. And somehow she knew she was safe.  His mouth claimed her breasts, so supple and smooth and soft. He nibbled his way down until he found a nipple and suckled at it. Rey arched up into his mouth, clinging to his hair, moaning loudly. She didn’t care who heard them, so long as this didn’t stop. She wanted to grind against him again, feel the swell of him against her center. Her feet came up to catch him around the middle to try and force him down to her hips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He rolled his hips down, keeping his face mere inches above her own so he could watch as her face changed, reacting to him. "You don't like it when someone else is in charge do you?" he teased. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If drinking was the line that Ben had never crossed, being dominated was the one Rey hadn’t. She was always the instigator, she was always on top, and she was absolutely </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> completely naked. But all his needy gentleness was overwhelming and she couldn’t pretend she didn’t love it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben dove down again, lips pressed tightly to hers, tongue parting her lips and seeking more. Coming up for air, Ben broke off the kiss and knelt upright, pulling away just long enough to rip Rey's pants down. He wanted to make her feel — to repay her for keeping him safe, for leaving her friends and family behind, for trusting him. Kissing his way up from her navel, a hand massaged her inner thighs before trailing a finger up to find her engorged clit. As his fingers found her cunt, she arched up to his mouth and hand. His fingers moved in circles, the pressure switching from firm to gentle, pace from fast to slow. His mouth returned to her nipples, this time taking the previously neglected one and suckling upon it. Ben's changing pressures kept her guessing, squirming against him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rey found it completely unfair that he was still in his breeches. Reaching down, she started on his belt, fumbling with it until, in a fit of impatience, she used the Force to rip it off him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was enough to cause Ben to pause in his actions. He no longer had clothing to spare, and losing a decent set of trousers to an impatient woman was not practical. Instead he pulled them down quickly freeing himself. Poised above Rey for a moment Ben’s knees nudged her own legs wider as he crawled between them again. He pulled Rey upwards, strong arms holding her tightly to him as fingers fisted in her hair, taking another moment to kiss her. The gentle probing, the sweet, passionate movements were now replaced with raw need. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Pushing her back down onto the bed he shifted his weight to line up with her cunt. Rey knew his girth would burn the second she saw it, but she didn’t care. The resistance was delightful and he didn't ease himself in gently. The way she was clawing at him, using her legs around his waist to try and impale herself on him, Ben knew on his very being that Rey needed a good fucking as much as he did. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Driving home hard, his hands roamed to her ass where he kneaded her cheeks. The sound his cock drove out of her was pure satisfaction. Looking up into his eyes, smirking, Rey took the moment just to feel Ben’s size and </span>
  <em>
    <span>squeeze</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Something dark and greedy was unfurling in her, carrying her away as Rey raked her hands down Ben’s back. She wanted to see those later, proof she had marked him, that she had taken him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t even flinch, instead increasing his pace and she rose to meet him. Having his hands on her ass made her arch off the bed onto her shoulders, using the angle to push back harder as they found a rhythm. Licking her finger, she snaked her arm between them, her face falling apart as she found the nub. A mental door was opening between them, the walls of reality being ripped apart and their combined consciousness were drifting together on a wave.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ben was on fire, and truthfully he didn't quite know how long he would last with the steady but fast pace. Truthfully he didn't care. Lips crashed against one another, Ben used his strength effortlessly to lift Rey as he knelt on the bed, his hands supported her by the ass and her legs tightened around him to steady herself. The change in angles elicited a guttural grunt from him and Rey’s eyes rolled back in her head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The rocking was instinctive at this point, but what they were building, making, </span>
  <em>
    <span>feeling </span>
  </em>
  <span>between them was like nothing she had felt in the Force. She felt like she knew every part of Ben, of Kylo, of whoever the man was she loved so desperately. It was addicting, this connection, just as it was terrifying. If she could feel him, he could feel her. "Rey." Ben breathed reverently, breath hitching for the first time, giving away just how close he was to the edge.</span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Chest to chest, her arms wrapped around his neck, unable to comprehend how connected she felt. Her skin was falling away, opening to let him inside. The hand between them was gone, fisting his hair— she would never get enough of it — pulling him closer.  Her mouth attacked his as she moved her knees up for better leverage. Ben fucked the way he fought. It had her clinging to him, even as she used her whole body to pump back against him. Ben felt it too, he saw inside her. He felt as though he knew every part of her, every dimple, every smile, every cursed word.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>It felt like the only word Rey had left, the only one that could hold all meaning she had for him now. They were one. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Rey!" Ben grunted, more of a listing growl quickly followed by a yell,  "Fuck yes." </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And it began, Ben's mind imploded into a haze of blurred colours while his body exploded into her, Rey exploding with him. Neither one would know if it was their bodies or the connection that slammed them over the edge but it truly felt as though they were dissolving in the Force. Rey was being carved away to make room for him — his past, his present, his future. Faintly she was aware of them falling back to the bed, but it felt like his body was passing </span>
  <em>
    <span>through</span>
  </em>
  <span> her, taking her with him. There was only pleasure, release, completion. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Collapsing back onto the bed, it took what little strength Ben had left to ensure he didn't crush Rey beneath him. And yet he didn't let her go, not completely, an arm resting beneath her head as he curled himself around her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Rey could lay there forever, safe with him, never needing another thing again. With her eyes closed, she basked in the moment, not noticing sleep had claimed him almost instantly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It took a moment for her to understand what had happened. At first Rey thought he was being exceptionally cuddly, but then his cock was softening and he still hadn’t moved, so maybe she should try his name?  Rey burst out laughing, not realizing her body had already been sobbing through her orgasm. It hurt...it played something she recognized and didn’t want to touch. Still, it was mostly hilarious. The high and mighty Kylo Ren, Ben Solo, brought low by alcohol and snatch.</span>
  <span></span>
    <br/>
  
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Rolling him carefully onto his side, the soft snoring endearing, she got up to clean herself up. As she relieved herself and washed, she realized just how </span>
  <em>
    <span>hungry </span>
  </em>
  <span>she was. No wonder the alcohol had worked so fast on him. It may have been his first time drinking, but it could not have helped doing it on an empty stomach. She could go out and buy some at the marketplace and be back in maybe ten minutes. But leaning against the doorframe, looking at him there, all by himself, she couldn’t bring herself to leave. If he woke up and she wasn’t there — if the roles were reversed, she would murder him for abandoning her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So she crept back into bed. Ignoring hunger was an easy habit, especially when she could hold his hands and just rest here.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>CW: Drinking alcohol, drinking games, drunk sex.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hours had passed before Ben suddenly lurched awake with a groan. His brow was slick with sweat and he felt the wave of nausea crashing over him in a torrential surge that he thought would surely drown him. A rather ungraceful roll was followed by a loud thud as his face was introduced unceremoniously to the floor. The noise alone had been enough to wake Rey, and she immediately reached for her thigh holster. Ben was halfway to the ‘fresher by the time she realised that she was still naked, she was still in the seedy inn and seemed to understand what was happening. </p><p>Despite retching, he stumbled to his feet and, with a jerky shuffling stagger, managed to make it to the ‘fresher basin before being violently sick. Rey quickly followed, holding his hair back as she squatted beside him. People vomiting had stopped triggering her a long time ago, so she rubbed gentle circles with her free hand around his back, gentling him through the ordeal. </p><p>“It’s alright,” Rey whispered. “Let it all out. There you go.”</p><p>With his wayward body betraying him, Ben’s innermost fears were dragged to the forefront. Mistrust. <em> Why is she being so nice to me? </em> Self-loathing. Self consciousness. His body was a map of battle scars, most of his newer ones at her hands. Kneeling, naked and vomiting, Ben Solo had never felt more vulnerable. </p><p>And how he hated it.</p><p>And yet, he did not reject Rey’s help, despite the fear such kindness sparked in him. He did not understand why. But she stayed at his side, easing him through the process with gentle assurances and an even gentler touch. </p><p>Only when Ben was sure there was nothing left for his body to eject did he fumbled for the sink to splash his face and rinse his mouth out. Taking a towel, he patted his face dry before securing it around his waist. It wasn’t big enough to cover much, but it covered all the parts that mattered. </p><p>“I’m never drinking again,” he stated flatly, finally finding the courage to look Rey in the eyes. </p><p>She gave him a soft smile, coming up to lean against the wall, still a little tipsy herself. “I have said the same thing more times than I can count,” she assured with a slight shake of her head as she moved past Ben to rinse her own mouth out. It was enough to get the shellacked feeling of firewater off her tongue. “You really need to eat,” she surmised. “It will help.”</p><p>Clenching his jaw against the feeling of nausea, Ben tried to think of anything but food; an easy task with the view of a very naked Rey standing before him. “I will have to take your word for it. This is all new to me. I do not like it.” </p><p>Aware of the roaming eyes, Rey continued on without any sense of shyness or hesitation. Privacy might have been something she craved, but when it came to her body there was little she was ashamed of. “Stay here then, I’ll just go to the marketplace. I shouldn’t be gone for more than ten minutes,” she suggested as she brushed past him to find her clothes which had been strewn all over the room. <em> How did we even manage? </em> she wondered. It all still felt like a dream, a beautiful, hazy dream. </p><p>Opening his mouth to protest, Ben slammed it shut just as quickly. The idea of her leaving him triggered something within, something he couldn’t place and didn’t have a name for. Abandonment. <em> Trust, </em> he told himself. <em> It takes trust to earn trust. Trust in her. </em> And oddly enough, he realised that he did. "T..that sounds fair. I'll stay here and work on feeling somewhat human again." Though he currently felt like a rancid sack of bantha shit, to him, it was all worth it. And he would do it all over again.</p><p>Pulling her tunic over her head, Rey turned back to Ben, her head cocked. The hesitancy tugged something deep inside her. Taking his face gently, she smoothed his hair back and leaned down to give him a soft kiss. It was the only way she knew how to reassure him. Her lips tightened over his bottom one; a slip of neediness she hadn’t meant to show. Smiling against her lips, Ben returned the sweet kiss. "Be safe." It was all he could think to say. </p><p>“Always,” Rey promised as she shut the door behind her. She felt like she was skipping. Even the foolish men who had tried to attack them earlier couldn’t bother her. She reached out with the Force to search their emotions, not wanting to leave Ben vulnerable. They were pointedly but impotently frustrated with the Jedi, scared of what a fight with them would be like. They watched her pass without incident, only spiking slightly in anger.</p><p>The marketplace was bustling, and she wanted to linger. Rey yearned to try every fruit, vegetable, and all the other amazing food on display. But there was no time, she didn’t want to leave Ben alone too long. And for once, she realized, it wasn’t because she felt she couldn’t trust him — she didn’t want to let him down. The same feelings could be said for her friends, but it paled in comparison to the compulsion she had towards him. Buying some bread, cheese, and fruit, she put it all out of her mind. She was about to leave when she caught the scent of something meaty and greasy...<em> perfect. </em></p><p>Five minutes later she had ordered the bartender to bring up some water and was returning with her arms full. The man wasn’t with her, but he would be upstairs shortly. “Cover yourself if you haven’t already,” Rey warned Ben as she opened the door. </p><p>Fortunately, in the brief time that Rey was gone, Ben had managed to pull himself together enough that he resembled something like a functioning human. Albeit a paler, more sickly and tired looking human. But at least he was clothed. Standing against the window, watching the bustling city around them, he pressed his forehead to the glass, its coolness was both soothing and comforting. "And so the scavenger returns with her spoils," Ben teased, unaware that the lighthearted jest was likely insensitive. </p><p>Fortunately for him, Rey seemed to take his words as praise. “I have bread, fruit, cheese, and street meat,” she explained while sorting them into piles, making sure they were perfectly even. The innkeep came in with two jugs of water and glasses, leaving without a word. “I only recognized some of it, but it all looked delicious,” she said, pouring some for him.</p><p>His hands reached immediately for the water, taking small and deliberate sips. Once certain he could keep it down he then reached for the bread. "It all smells delicious,” he agreed shortly. Between his hunger and not wanting to talk about their passionate exchange, he wasn’t interested in conversation. Ben didn’t know what any of it meant, the only thing he knew with perfect clarity was that he and Rey were bound together as one. He didn’t know love, or understand it but he assumed this was it, or something close to it.  </p><p>Rey preferred silence, too. Meals were for <em> eating </em>. And, as of noon, fending off day drinking hangovers. Bread was good, but it was nothing compared to meat. She dove for the greasy, seasoned, and tender meat. It was all she wanted. Attacking the stick with her teeth, her eyes closed as she mused over the taste. She liked to guess seasonings now. Rose and she had made a game of it whenever they tried cooking. Her meat was gone in under a minute, with Rey chewing on the fat of it. She never had the patience to save the best for last. Instead she moved on to her helpings of bread and cheese. Tearing off the bread, she folded the soft cheese into it, nibbling with it and the fat, experimenting with the taste. </p><p>As with most things he did in life, Ben was methodical with the food he ate. Starting with the dry, more stomach settling foods before making his way to the cheeses and meat. In a stroke of genius he took the cheese and squashed it against the bread before pulling the street meat off the stick and sandwiching it all together. Delicious. The silence was companionable and every now and then Ben found himself watching Rey and smiling across at her from time to time. Each mouthful seemed to make him feel better and more like himself. But he didn't overdo it. His stomach was still suffering and beyond that, he needed to build up to it after his brush with death. </p><p>It was strange to be at a silent table though, normally there would be life pulsating all around her, and Rey would simply ignore them. She felt a pang of obligation, but she also knew if Ben wanted to talk, he would. So she ate in silence.</p><p>"So..." He didn't know what else to say and chuckled as he shook his head. "Should we make a move once we're done here?"</p><p>If Rey was honest, she didn't entirely want to leave the inn. A bed was so much better than a bunk, especially for what she wanted to do again. But still, she nodded, picking at her food despite feeling mostly full — a habit she loved to indulge. "I wanted to ask, how much food should we get? How long do you want to stay?"</p><p>"Truthfully I don't know. Perhaps we say a week? And then we can decide after that what our next move is." </p><p>Still chewing, Rey raised her eyebrow at him, smiling. <em> Was that the first time he said ‘we?’ </em></p><p>Using intimate words of 'us,’ 'we,’ 'our,' and other such words was strange and uncomfortable to Ben. "With the way you eat we might need to purchase a cart to bring it all back with us."</p><p>Swallowing, she said, “Good thing you’re strong enough to carry it.”</p><p>Heat burst under her face. Somehow the joke, the suggestion that he would do it for her — it felt so intimate. And presumptuous. And exposed. With anybody else she could cover fast for feeling so invasive with another joke, but it was always so difficult with Ben.</p><p>A comment that should have normally irked the man seemed to slide off him instead. Perhaps it was the fact (vomiting excluded) he truly felt alive for the first time in…well, he couldn't remember. Or maybe it was the afterglow of the rambunctious sex he'd partaken in. Either way he was in good spirits. </p><p>"After all that exertion? I don't think I can. But I'm sure I can find us a volunteer who would." A residual joke from what has caused their argument earlier in the day.</p><p>The reminder of their sex did nothing to lessen the heat in Rey. Neither did him using an inside joke — did they have inside jokes now? </p><p>She was going to spike the joke back with a crack at the Force when she paused. Her joke had turned into a real question because after all this time, she still didn’t really understand the boundaries of the Force. “Say we did,” she started slowly, trying <em> not </em> to assume his answer would drip condescension, “how much effort would it take? How drained would I be, if I tried?”</p><p>Blinking, Ben set aside the now empty glass and thought for a long moment before he answered. It was as if he didn't quite know what she was actually asking for or how best to answer it. </p><p>"Did you feel drained when you made that stormtrooper release you?" he asked. "As with all things, it takes less energy to do the more practiced you are and the more disciplined at how fluidly you expend that energy. For me for example, at full strength such a feat would be insignificant."</p><p>Rey worked it over in her mind, trying to sound smart. Intuition had been her only real teacher. Leia taught her Force combat and tactics, letting Rey run herself down at her own pace. It had taught her control, but she just never understood the theory of it. “So endurance is contingent on practice and the expenditure…”</p><p>"What did my stupid uncle teach you?” Ben asked, frowning. “Clearly nothing.” </p><p>Rey almost stood up, wanting to shout him down. But then, what had Luke actually <em> taught </em> her? Everything he had said was philosophy, not practical. </p><p>“The Force draws on your own life energy, it's a muscle to be trained and one you can build strength and endurance in. I was not wrong. You need a teacher, Rey. A real teacher."</p><p>Setting her jaw, she sighed. Agreeing with him was a bridge too far, even if she was realizing she did. “Well, clearly I knew enough to get this far,” she snapped, grabbing for her last piece of bread. </p><p>"You got this far because I damn well saved your life. I literally bought you back from the dead, Rey." Ben's eyes narrowed into a glare. Of course they couldn't actually get along for more than just a few hours. At best. And he'd been asleep for most of that time. "You died because you called upon every bit of energy you had, you pulled on your life force itself." There was anger in his tone but it was not at her, not directly. It was at the situation she'd been thrust into, at the lack of preparation, the lack of tutelage. </p><p>Rey might have had raw power and natural ability but she was still very much a padawan or apprentice depending on which side of the Force one called upon. Unlearned. But more than all that, the memories of his pain he felt her passing... A coldness had overcome him, a deep void in his very being, his soul where her presence should have been (annoying as it had been at the time, it was sorely missed when it was gone). "I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. You know I have <em> always </em> been honest with you."</p><p>The bread fell out of Rey’s hands, forgotten, instead focused on the echoes in her mind. <em> You died. </em> It was too much to take, too much to remember. There was no air in her chest, no life in her blood. <em> Why does it have to mean so much? </em> Nausea rose and Rey began to tremble. Normally she was alone when these feelings crept up, when the walls were taller and the shadows were longer. “Stop.” The word was barely a croak but it was enough to throw Ben. An angry quip or perhaps a heated exchange had been expected but not this.</p><p><em> She's scared. Terrified,</em> he realised. Had she suffered in death? In the time it took to claw his way over to her, to bring her back, had she been suffering? The joy he had seen on her face as she had sat up, restored, had it been for him? Or had it been because he had torn her free of a nightmarish hell. Had she not had the peaceful death of a Jedi, the Force taking her and laying her to rest? Ben reached out to close a hand over Rey’s, stilling the trembling extremities with a warm squeeze. "You are safe. You are here, with me."</p><p>The touch was enough to bring her back, forcing her into places she didn’t want to go, and it took every cell in her body not to throw him off when she realised who was touching her. The sharpness of Rey’s reaction left her feeling small, weak. She didn’t have the right to ask him to help her with this, not when she had done it to herself and nearly taken him with her, but she did owe him an apology. “I — I’m sorry.” Even if she couldn’t bring herself to look at him. </p><p>Frowning for a brief moment, Ben slowly released his hold on Rey’s hands, his face reverting to a mask of indifference despite the sharp stab of rejection he felt. “Don’t be.” It wasn’t until he had taken his hand away though, that Rey realised how much she did actually <em> want </em> his touch. Her hands grabbed for his, holding them tighter, she couldn’t say all of it. But she had to say some of it. “I’m sorry I nearly killed you.” She closed her eyes as the tears ran down her face. Every hit she had punctuated with ‘<em>selfish’ </em>last night was coming back to hurt her now. She was so selfish.</p><p>Ben gave little away save for an imperceptible nod of his head. He was confused but somehow knew enough to say something, to ease her pain. He couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t say the wrong thing though. It seemed like a gamble every time he opened his mouth. </p><p>"You have nothing to be sorry for.” Ben stated finally. “You didn't ask to die, you didn't ask me to bring you back. I knew the risk of what I was doing, I knew the toll it would take and the finality of it all." As he spoke, his words turned hoarse, trying to keep emotion from them for her benefit. <em> I was okay with it. Dying for you... I knew it was right. </em> "And I would do it again."</p><p>Panic stricken, Rey’s eyes shot up to meet Ben’s.“Don’t,” she whispered, her knuckles going white. “If it’s ever...if we’re ever...I can’t…” <em> Don’t leave me here alone</em>.“I can’t...without you.”</p><p>"I know." It was as if a part of him had died along with her too.</p><p>She recognized the look in his eyes. She felt it — had felt it for she couldn’t guess how long. Suddenly the physical distance was too much. Tears were still streaming down her face, she wasn’t looking for sex, she just needed to know they were there. Together. Her arms came up to wrap around his shoulders, an awkward position, but still grounding. Sex was one thing, but this level of intimacy was so raw and unguarded, neither of them understood it. Unexpected, strange, and completely new. </p><p>The only way Ben knew to deal with feelings was to vehemently push them to the farthest corners of his mind. This was beyond him. And yet he was able to say, "I'm here," as his arm came up to close around Rey's shoulders. She was sobbing in his shoulder, and he only hoped it was alright that he dropped a chaste kiss to the crown. "I thought I lost you once. I'll never let anything like that happen to you again. Never."</p><p>“I’ll never do that to you again,” she whispered fiercely. “Just don’t go.”</p><p>Her promise felt silly, when his words meant so much, and hers were so small. But the walls didn’t seem so tall, the shadows were calm, and Ben Solo was holding her. None of it and all of it made sense. Whenever this happened before, she was always by herself, able to tinker something or beat it with a wrench. Her hands came up to his hair, slowly running her fingers through it as her sobs calmed down. It gave her something else to concentrate on, to feel. Trailing down, inhale; tracing up, exhale.</p><p>Time lost meaning as Ben found himself carefully tracing an unknown pattern upon her back, running around and around in small little circles. "You haven't been able to get rid of me yet. What makes you think you can now?" He asked lightly, humour perhaps not the best course of action but the only one he could currently fathom.</p><p>She huffed a teary laugh from the crook of his shoulder. “Yes, who would play with your hair, then?”</p><p>"I would obviously. It is so soft and luscious, I'm sure I could find someone to do it if I really had to." The words were light, teasing and he smiled into her own hair, breathing in deeply.</p><p>“I knew you were vain about your hair,” she murmured smugly. “From the first time you took your helmet off.” He wasn’t wrong though, it was so soft around her fingers as she twirled little locks.</p><p>Chuckling, Ben pulled back slightly to look at Rey. A very serious look on his face. "Everyone needs to have something they like about themselves." How he kept a straight face was anyone's guess. </p><p>Rey was unable to return his deadpan. She giggled as she lightly pulled at his hair. “Ben Solo: Best hair in the galaxy.” It was only half a tease, his hair was truly one of her favorite features about him. </p><p>"Could be worse." Ben remarked dryly, humour being replaced with self loathing. "It could be Ben Solo: The moron." But it lasted for a brief moment before he shrugged. "But if you're quite done trying to drown my shirt with tears, I think we should move on from here."</p><p>Rey blushed under her ruddy teary face as she smiled and tried to smooth out his shirt. “Yes, we should settle up.” Swiftly she picked up their garbage, moving it to the bin while Ben cast his gaze over the room, small as it was, he scrutinised each and every corner until satisfied they had left nothing behind. He was nothing if not thorough. </p><p>"We could always <em> not </em> pay." Again a joke that was likely to incite Rey but even if it came to that, at least her mind would be focused on other things than crying. </p><p>Her head snapped up in surprise, they really weren’t used to travelling together at all. “No, not them, I don’t care about them,” she said gesturing downstairs vaguely. “It’s never <em> them </em> that cleans up.”</p><p>Kylo Ren had never paid for lodging in his life. He had never considered those that cleaned up after him and his entourage. It simply was. So for now, he sat back and followed Rey's lead. It was for the best, the woman needed something to occupy her mind and he was certain there was more to her need to speak with the daughter of the seedy owner. Better to just go along for the ride. </p><p>She headed down with the keys, holding them in one hand as she cocked an eyebrow.  Ben followed a few steps behind, a looming and imposing presence. “Who does your cleaning?” Rey demanded from the innkeep. </p><p>“My daughter,” the man said, watching his keys swing on her finger. “She’s round the back.”<br/>
<br/>
Rey smiled, leaving the keys and a spiteful credit on the bar. She had the distinct impression that Ben was humoring her, but so long as she got her way, that was fine. Leading him back behind the building, they found a girl hanging the laundry. </p><p>It was the usual conversation she had with most tavern girls — her name was Neré, she hated cleaning, and she was gonna grow up and do something better… Rey always agreed and slipped a small bag of credits, for when she was big. “Put it somewhere <em> they </em> won’t get it,” she made Neré promise solemnly. Every girl took the credits differently, Neré gave Rey a sly smile that gave her hope she might really make it. With that, Rey would always make her exit, telling the girl she couldn’t wait to see her out in the galaxy.</p><p>Once that was finished, she turned to Ben. “Now we’ve settled up.”</p><p>"You've made a habit of this, haven't you?" he inquired as Rey walked back over to him. He had stayed far enough away not to scare the young girl, but close enough to watch the display with a mixture of awe and interest. Soon he realised <em> why </em> this was such a big deal for his companion. Rey had come from nothing. Never a kind word, never a favour sent her way and if she could imprint or impart some hope onto another young girl then it was something she could repay to the universe. </p><p>Rey nodded, looking up at him. “It’s almost always some girl doing the dirty work, but sometimes they’ll have an extra son or two…” A sad smile came over her face. “I like to think one day I really will see one of them.”  </p><p>They rounded the corner to the marketplace. “Perhaps one day you will.” Ben offered kindly in response.  “We should get supplies for the trip?”</p><p>Ben found himself taking in the sights. It wasn't all that long ago he wouldn't have set foot here in Naboo but somehow this all felt right. And if he <em> had </em> of, he wouldn't be seeing it as he did now. He would be using it, abusing it and making it his own personal hell as he did all the other many places his life had taken him. The market place was vibrant and he found himself drawn to the sights and smells. </p><p>"If we get the supplies now then we can at least start doing something, anything productive," Ben pressed again. Not that their afternoon this far hadn't been eventful.</p><p>“You wouldn’t call fucking productive?” Rey asked with a wry smile, bumping him with her hip. “Certainly seemed to take all your energy….” </p><p>"It should only count as productive if you <em> want </em> to have children." Ben countered with a smirk. "Otherwise it's just one hell of a way to pass time."</p><p>He was faster than expected with a comeback, Rey thought for sure she would’ve made him blush with her comment. Instead she was flushing, because...yes, she did. Not for a while, a very, very long while, but eventually. “Can never have too much practice,” she said, ducking her head to try to hide her reaction by sniffing some ripened fruit. “These look good.” They had a brilliant white star in their hearts.</p><p>"Indeed.” Ben agreed with a nod. “But we will need grains, meats, fruit and vegetables...and if there's room maybe some sweet treats."</p><p>Sweet treats were as much a guilty pleasure of Ben’s; every meal was usually followed with a treat of some sort. It was one habit he kept from his childhood and he noted the way her eyes seemed to brighten at the suggestion. Rey put back a few of each fruit, not wanting to weight themselves down when sweets were involved. Sugar was a very late addition to her taste palate, and one of her favorites.</p><p>Suddenly a thought occurred to Rey...she could make food good enough for her and Chewie but no one else ever ate her cooking for a second time. “Can you cook?” </p><p>Looking over some strange herbs and seasonings, Ben shot his head around to look at Rey, almost indignant. "I know enough that we won't starve but I'm no career cook." And he wasn't, he knew enough to survive. He learnt how to cook as a basic survival skill to begin with along with making a fire.</p><p>Rey winced — either one of them or both of them were going to have to learn how to cook if they were ever going to enjoy food again.  “I can cook okay enough for a Wookiee, but...” pausing, still loath to commit to her shortcomings in front of him, she pressed on. “I really, really cannot cook.” Her only real skill in camping was making the fire, and everyone was a little too happy to leave that as her only responsibility.</p><p>“Shouldn’t you know how to cook?” Ben asked, his filter not even being close to working right now. “You lived on your own your whole life…” His words trailed off as he realised a moment too late the question was not exactly something he should be making light of. Rey’s eyes narrowed, but he couldn’t take it back now. Better to just keep moving on and hope it was a slight she was willing to let him have a pass on. "Look, we won't starve. That's a start at least right?" </p><p>Luckily she left it at that. Meandering and browsing through the markets was an enjoyable experience for both Ben and Rey. Mundane, yet pleasant. What was not ideal was having to carry their haul all the way back to the <em> Falcon. </em> Frequently Ben reminded Rey that they <em> could </em> have just <em> made </em> someone carry it for them, but each time she settled a darker glare upon him than the last until he was certain the next look would kill him and he suffered the long and draining walk in silence. </p><p>By the time they had reached the <em> Falcon</em>, Ben was exhausted. It didn’t stop him from insisting upon being the designated chef for the night and or from starting the fire as Rey loaded their haul inside the storage bays. It seemed the least he could do, she had paid for the entire haul. Here he was, Ben Solo, Son to Leia Organa, grandson of Darth Vader and Padme Amidala, flat broke. It was almost laughable. Meanwhile, as Rey put the food away, neat and organised did she realised that there were still some things they needed to talk about. More worrisome though was whether they could get through them without a fight.</p><p>Coming down the ramp to the campfire she held a rucksack in her hands — the books she had taken from Ahcht-Too and the twins’ sabers.</p><p>A familiar old power seemed to vibrate the air around him. Ben turned to look up at Rey as she came towards him, rucksack in hand. The familiarity had him anxious, but also curious and a brow quirked in question. And yet, he had no desire to enquire, doing all he could stave off the inevitable conversation that was to come. "Shall we make for my ancestral home in the morning?" </p><p><em> Don’t make this harder than it already will be. </em> Rey pleaded silently, imploring him with doe eyes. She didn’t want to fight, she really didn’t but they <em> had </em> to talk about this. There was one strategy which might avoid his ire, but <em> kriff</em>, she did not want to actually say it. </p><p>Letting out a breath she didn’t know she was holding, she looked up and blurted out, “You were right.”</p><p>"On what account?" he asked innocently, blinking whilst trying his damnedest not to sound smug. </p><p>The tone was not fooling anyone though and Rey made a face of annoyed resignation at him. “I need a teacher.”</p><p>"Yes you do." Ben remarked casually, an air of amusement in his tone. "And I'm the only one who can teach you. So that makes me your master. I like the sound of that ... Master Solo." </p><p>Rey groaned. “I’m not calling you that.”</p><p>A noncommittal shrug was offered with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Okay.” Ben returned quickly. “I won't teach you then." </p><p>Unimpressed, Rey shook her the objects her hands. "But I've got fancy new toys." His head snapped up. Good. </p><p>But just because it grabbed his attention, didn’t stop Ben from being a brat about it. "Oh really? Are you going to elaborate or should I guess?"</p><p>“I bet they’re your favorite,” Rey smiled conspiratorially, acting like she had a special treat hidden away. “I bet I know exactly what your favorite toys were.”</p><p>"What? Shackles. I do enjoy playing with them especially when I have someone fun to play with." Ben was enjoying the banter, but he couldn't help but feel it was all the calm before the storm.</p><p>"Shackles? What? What kind of childhood —” </p><p>And then Rey got exactly when Ben meant and blushed. “No, books, Ben. They’re books.” She lifted them carefully out of the sack to pass to him. “No one could read them.”</p><p>A disappointed sigh sounded. "Oh...books. Yes, they were fun too, I suppose." The amusement in the man's voice was obvious but he didn't look at her. Just the texts. So that was the ancient power he'd felt. But something didn’t seem right, something Rey said didn’t seem to fit. “No one? Luke knew how to read these. As do I. I have studied the force my whole life, if I couldn't read this, I would never be where I am today." He explained quietly as a finger traced the binding of the text.</p><p>“Luke never knew I took them,” Rey stated with a shrug. “Or maybe he figured it out after I left, I don’t know. He found me once, looking at them, but he didn’t teach me from them.”</p><p><em> Real surprise there, </em> Ben thought bitterly. "Let me guess, he was scared to let you even look at them?" He scoffed with a shake of his head and pressed on. "Deep down, what is it you really want to learn? To fight? To understand the Force? To use it freely?"</p><p>With eyes full of naked hunger, Rey leaned toward Ben. “I want it all. I want to understand everything. I...” she hadn’t admitted this out loud before. “I want to make a lightsaber. But double-ended. Like my quarterstaff.”</p><p>The desire, the hunger in Rey. It mirrored his own eagerness as a child. The wide eyed <em> need </em> to be a part of something bigger than oneself. Only he was led astray. Seduced by the darkness. Once he would have loved for Rey to join him in the shadows, she would have made a marvelous Sith apprentice. But that was not the present. Whatever past lay behind them, the duo now needed to forge a new way.</p><p>"The only thing I can't teach you from experience alone is Force lightning. But I'm sure there would be something in these texts about it." Ben paused, careful as he chose his words. "The more you learn, the greater the temptations. I understand it now, we need balance within ourselves. Light and dark in unison."</p><p>“I —” Rey hesitated to say it, but... “I think that’s what Luke was trying to teach me.” With a wince she added, “In his own way.” </p><p>Ben's jaw tightened. Despite the leaps forward that he had made, Luke's name would forever cause him pain. "After a while, once you get the main characters that the old ones used, the ancient Jedi texts are easy to read." He continued on, doing his best not to focus on Luke or the rage the name always caused. </p><p>“That’s another thing…”  The words weren’t there. There were a million little things she wanted to tell him, about how she had compensated and made up for it, and it was really no problem at all. Rey had never had to actually admit this. All her directives were verbal, and she had known enough to get by on simple or repetitive words, but… </p><p>“Ben, I can’t read.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So just a note: We're two English-speakers who use a different set of English each. Hence any spelling inconsistencies, grammar rules, etc.</p><p>If there is anything you believe we should tag, let us know!</p><p>(also the authors feed on comments)</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Content warning in the end notes.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> “Ben, I can’t read.” </em>
</p><p>Silence. </p><p>Thick, heavy silence. </p><p>Ben swallowed the lump in his throat. He did not know how to navigate this. Should he try a joke? A crude remark? Pity? None of it would help. The only thing that came to mind blurted out faster than he could think: "Maybe we should look at finding some simpler books.” </p><p>Shocked, Rey looked up from her fidgeting. </p><p>“I can read these texts to you, we can study it together but you also need to learn to read. And simpler books with modern language will make it far easier." Even as he spoke though, the initial shock wore off and whatever nerves he’d felt gave way to a deep seeded rage. Abandoned was one thing, but to have no ability to read? It was something he’d never thought about before, a luxury he’d taken sorely for granted. The rage continued to bubble, emanating around him like a cloak.</p><p>But he had a plan, one that made sense. “That would be…” words failed as Rey lost her voice, faltering at his kindness. “Thank you.” </p><p>And just like that, Ben’s anger died, as if it was never there, all because of Rey’s heartfelt gratitude. “It’s not like there is much else for us to do,” he replied casually, as if the conversation was on the weather and not focused on Rey’s literacy. “Might as well make the most of it. There's no great war, no First Order, no Resistance." A boyish giggle passed his lips as a strange notion washed over him. "We're free."</p><p>Something deep in Rey’s chest leapt at his laugh — so inhibited, so free.<em> ‘We.’ </em> She suddenly remembered the first time he had ever used it: not earlier today, but on the <em> Falcon</em>, when he first came round: <em> We won? </em> He had been free in that moment, and she had been so broken she missed it….</p><p>But he was right. <em> We’re done fighting the galaxy. </em> </p><p>Sometimes it was impossible to believe her life had changed so much because of a droid. But If she hadn’t met BB-8, she would still be at Niima Outpost, scavenging, hauling, and trading for rations. Still just a slave. She was free from that fate — just like she was free from the Jedi. It took a moment for her giggles to start, but when they did, it was the kind of laugh she hadn’t shared in ages. The kind that can only come from a contagious feeling of elation. “We’re free, Ben.”</p><p>It was so strange for Ben to be giggling like a child, but once Rey had joined in, it was near impossible for him to stop. Only after his sides were absolutely splitting did he let up. He had come a long way in the days since he'd first woken up, but he hadn't been exactly taking it easy. A sigh parted his lips, the smile falling slightly and a look of peace settled in its place. He would forever be haunted, but here, in this moment with Rey, he could forget it all. It made him loathe to bring up the other objects in her rucksack. </p><p>"I can feel the sabres," he stated bluntly. "I don't want them...I can't have them."</p><p>Rey frowned. If that was how he felt, she had to respect it, but… “I don’t like the idea of you being unarmed long term.” His bluntness made it easier to speak as frankly.</p><p>"You know better than most I'm just as dangerous without a weapon as I am with one," Ben remarked with an air of indifference. "There is a sabre on this planet that I want to find.” Rey’s eyes narrowed, squinting at him in skepticism. “I assume it's going to be with Padme or the estate somewhere. Anakin left it behind. A reminder of his former life, one that needed to be buried to fully embrace his chosen path." </p><p>It was the truth, or at least part of it, but as he chanced a look at Rey’s darkening face, he knew that he needed to be fully honest. "One day I will take them, my mother's at least. But not today. Not until I am worthy of it and of her love."</p><p>The earnesty was disarming, but clear. Even as he had raised questions about how truthful he had been up until then, Rey could feel he was being honest now. She had to give it to him, Ben always found a way to surprise her.</p><p>That he could speak so plainly about Leia, about his shortcomings, was so strange. But then, he had always been very blunt about himself. Coming closer to him on the grass, she took his hand again. “I can hold onto them for now, if you want?” </p><p>If only Rey knew just how calming her touch was to him. It was an anchor, a reminder of who he was and the path he needed to now walk. “We can leave them here on Naboo. They will be safer. It will be the first time they have ever all been united since ... Well, since it all began."</p><p>Uncertainty rose so he shrugged before it could become awkward and pulled his hand away to focus on their dinner. The meat and vegetables were done. Holding out his hand, he used the Force to bring the pots out of the fire and settle on the grass beside him. </p><p>"Dinner is ready." A deflection, unwilling to dwell on the topic of the sabres for long.</p><p>She didn’t want to leave it, but he dropped her hand. It was hard not to take it personally. “Just a moment,” Rey said, before taking the rucksack back onto the <em> Falcon</em>. At least they didn’t have to have the specter of the past hanging over their dinner. </p><p>Coming to sit back at the fire, she looked over the food. Technically her tastebuds knew the difference between “delicious” and “not delicious” now, but Rey’s brain had never caught up and her mouth watered at the sight. Food was food. “Thank you.”</p><p>The food was perfectly edible, and healthy but Ben's cooking was not spectacular or of note. It did the job. It did all it needed to. "After here, learning and studying aside, what comes next?" he inquired. </p><p>Rey was wolfing the food down, trying to think as fast as she could chew. She had ideas, but they were vague, and frankly, probably naive. “Well,” she said, deciding to put the practical first. “We’ll need to earn money at some point, so I thought maybe we could take contract jobs from people with too much money. Ones that we agree are just,” she added, looking up at him.</p><p>Ben didn't have the heart to tell Rey that there was likely not a 'just' contract for hire anywhere in the galaxy. And that even if there was, it would probably be robbing the poor in the name of helping them. Truly, he didn't feel she would believe him, and, beyond that, he decided it was probably a decent life lesson for her to learn on her own terms, rather than some lecture on semantics and how the people with 'too much money' <em> never </em> had a just cause. "Sounds like as good a plan as any.”</p><p>“I also want to go back to Jakku.” She took a deep breath, the secret plan she had been thinking about since she had left was oddly hard to let go. “It’s not revenge — well, it’s not <em> all </em> revenge,” she admitted, thinking of Plutt. “But I was to go back and change the economy. To end the slavery.”</p><p>It was impossible to read Ben's face. If Rey was looking for confirmation or disapproval, she wasn't going to get it from his expressions. And yet there was a tone of condescension in his words when he did finally speak. "It does sound like revenge. If that's what you want, so be it. But don't wrap it in sheep's clothing and pretend it isn't a wolf."</p><p>“I — no, that’s not —” </p><p>His tone was enough to make her stand up, wanting to scream and punch him again. Her shaking hands went to her hips, determined not to be physical again. “You don’t know what it’s <em> like </em>. There’s no law there. There’s no protection.” </p><p>Briefly, Ben's eyes narrowed on her fists. Of course, she was right, he did not know. But that didn't mean he wasn't right either. "I never said I wouldn't help you. I just want you to be honest about it all."</p><p>Glaring at him, Rey shook her head before she started pacing. She would be damned if he was right about this. “I — I don’t want to go in sabers and blasters blazing, I don’t want to <em> kill </em> Unkar Plutt. I just...I know there’s a better way now.” She stopped, turning to face him. “I want to put my slavemaster on trial, I want to testify against him, with all the others at Niima Outpost. And I want him and all the other slavemasters put in prison.”</p><p>Ben remained perfectly still while Rey paced, his eyes shifting from fists to face and back again, unsure if he would receive an almighty Force kick to his groin again. He listened to her suggestion and nodded. It wasn't a bad idea but it seemed she had not thought about all of the intricacies in detail. </p><p>"Killing him and the rest of the slavemasters would be easier. And it would be permanent," Ben explained, his voice barely above a whisper. She would not like these words. "If you put them on trial, then who would make the judgement? And who would imprison them? Where? And then what? The next in line amongst their clans would stand up to take the reins."</p><p>It hurt, listening to him talk that way. These were her dreams, ones she hadn’t shared with anyone, even in the Resistance. But the worst part was Ben was <em> right</em>. Biting her thumbnail, she returned to pacing. It was hard for her to think systemically, but he was right. It wouldn’t be possible to overthrow the powers on Jakku without creating the same kind of power vacuum that they had been struggling against out in the galaxy.</p><p>“Then we undermine the system?” she said slowly, letting it turn into a question. “We take the slaves, fly them to the core worlds — there has to be some kind of system to take refugees and ex-slaves, right?”</p><p>“Better but still flawed.” Ben replied, his voice passive. The pacing seemed endless and all Ben chose to do was sit and poke at the fire with a stick. It was like they were two halves of the same coin again. The light and shiny side full of virtue and hope, and the tarnished side ready to bring her into his world. “The system will just find new slaves. There is always some bastard willing to abandon his or her children for a bit of extra coin. It might ruin them for a few years but soon enough it would be a distant memory. You and I both know there is only <em> one </em> way with which you can solve this issue. You just think you're too good to go there." </p><p>“Well, then, what’s the point of all this?” she gestured wildly around to mean the Force. “What’s the point of having it? Of using it?”</p><p>She wasn’t angry, exactly. Frustrated, impotent — but not on-edge anymore. Logical thinking had a way of balancing her out.</p><p>"You're thinking too much in morals, ethics, and legal justice.” Ben groaned, raking his hand over his face. “The Force is what you make of it. Power, strength, fear, peace, light, love. And somewhere in between all that, the Force keeps balance." Ben looked up at the stars as he spoke, stretching his back, arching it as he did so. It was strange to be speaking of such things clinically again. He had wanted the power, the anarchy, the chaos. He had wanted to be Dark. He had been angry. He still was, his deep seeded issues would always be with him. And yet he always knew what the Force was theorised to be. He had just been swayed to the Sith religion. Groomed to it from even before he was born. </p><p>"So sometimes you will need to do bad things to bad people, other times good things for good people. You will kill, you will heal. As much as it was an oppression, the First Order was designed to keep order. We kept balance by ruling with an iron fist. Not ideal, but the rogue slavers and scum of the universe were at least kept in check."</p><p>Choking anger consumed Rey once more, freezing her to the spot. <em> He did not really just that to me, he is not that stupid. </em> </p><p>Stalking over to him, she came to glare above his head, over-enunciating her words with venom. “Apologies. My thank you message must have gotten lost in the system. Thank you, Supreme Leader, for my liberation.”</p><p><em> Here we go again. </em> Rey brought out the best and worst in him. Faltering a moment as betrayal and hurt crossed his gaze, it was quickly replaced with anger. Ben hadn't been trying to annoy her or upset her, he was simply trying to explain a concept and why her naive views on certain things were little more than a child's hope. </p><p>Her proximity as she looked down his nose at him with self-proclaimed righteousness was like a red flag to a bull. Rey had left herself open, and swiftly Ben kicked her legs out from under her. She landed on her backside, entirely the wrong way from what she had been taught.</p><p>"Don't," he snarled, standing to his full height. "Don't act like you're better than me."</p><p>Rey glowered up at him. She had been so <em> nice </em> to him. She had gone out of her way specifically <em> not </em> to fight — not about the teaching, his lie about coming to Naboo, even the cold, dismissive way he talked about her dreams.</p><p>Her leg kicked out fast, going for the groin again. She wanted to cut him down to size. In the dying light of the fire, Ben Solo crumbled to his hands and knees, a groan sounding followed by sharp hisses as he tried to breathe through the pain. It didn’t slow him for long, though, even as he sucked in the sharp breaths he was taking a knee, then lurched to his feet; making a point to stamp each foot down as he did so. </p><p>"You might want to stop doing that if you ever want to use my dick again." He couldn't stop the crude words if he tried. "What do you want from me? I am <em> trying </em> to find my way in all of this. I'm not perfect and I'm not good at... Being a person." The anger was deflating with each word. "I'm good at being a monster. I've been a monster longer. It's what comes easy and natural but I am <em> kriffing </em> trying."</p><p>The way he talked about himself hurt — Rey had felt that strain of self-loathing underpinning so much of the bond. But he clearly didn’t understand her anger, and that only made her more annoyed. “What good is your dick to me, if you don’t respect me?” </p><p>"Respect you?" Ben spat, volume rising again. "If I didn't <em> respect </em> you I wouldn't be honest with you. I made a fucking observation, Rey, and you attacked me for it." Maybe not physically but she had gone on the verbal offensive.</p><p>“No,” Rey said, her voice cracking emotion. “You respect my <em> abilities. </em> Whatever we have with the Force.” She was scrambling off the grass, heading back for the <em> Falcon</em>. “But I’m always going to be no one to you. A nobody that never earned its place in your shitty story.” He was not going to see her cry about this.</p><p>The words brought Ben down to size, just as swiftly as the kick to his groin had. Even without seeing her face he <em> knew </em> just how upset she was and, for what felt like an eternity, he stood motionless. </p><p>Moving quickly to intercept her before she reached the <em> Falcon</em>, his fingers closed around her arm. "You have never been <em> nothing </em> to me." He dropped her arm. "Never."</p><p>She wouldn’t look at him, gaze focused on the stars instead. “I’m not good enough!” Rey shouted. “I’ve never been good enough! You were happy to tell me that, and you never lie.” Once the words began, she couldn’t stop them. “<em> You </em> came to my planet and <em> you </em> left, and the First Order did <em> nothing </em> to stop my slavemaster scum. I only meant something to you after I did to Han.”</p><p>"That's not true," Ben retorted. "You were special to me the moment I met you. I told you that you were nothing, yes. To the world you were, but not to <em> me </em>. How many times do I have to say that you weren't nothing to me?" He asked, desperately lowering his face to try and catch Rey's eyes. "And my father? I'm glad he found the child in you that he never had in me." As if burned by the admission, he recoiled and stepped away, back turned. </p><p>Rey certainly looked at him then, blinking rapidly through her tears. </p><p>She didn’t know what to say...nothing could have prepared her for <em> that</em>. Her eyebrows came together, her rational mind trying to comprehend that level of honesty. The kind that was blind and cruel, with teeth sharper than any animal, stalking and wounding its prey through the recesses of their subconscious.</p><p>She kept trying to think of something to say — anything. She couldn’t. She felt like the Force was balanced and yet the world was upside down. Instead her hands went to his, squeezing gently. </p><p><em> Run. </em> It was the only thing Ben’s broken mind could process. <em> Run away. Like the coward you are. </em> The only thing keeping him from doing so was <em> her </em> hands on his, squeezing. It wasn't even until he felt the wetness on the back of his own hands and cheeks that he realised he too was crying. </p><p>Such a mess this was. </p><p>"I can't do this Rey. I don't know how." Ben's words were barely above a whisper. "I don't know what to do and even if I did, I don't have the strength to do it." A shaky breath was taken before he forged on. “I’m sorry, I just.. Sorry.” Was this the first time he’d apologised? What was he even apologising for? For hurting her? For not being good enough? For killing Han? Everything? Rey’s hands slid up his arms, following their lines to rest around his shoulders, gazing up at him as her feet shuffled closer, only stopping when her face was pressed into his chest. She wanted him to feel her apology, even if she couldn’t speak it. </p><p>Now that she held him, she couldn’t let go. She wanted to help him carry his pain, carry <em> both </em> of their pains. It felt so intimate, in spite of everything they had done that day. Slow, racking sobs left her body, like poison slowly draining. Not for the first time Ben wished he could turn back time. To change Rey's fate. But a darker, more selfish part was grateful he couldn't. They came from two very different places, their paths so different, and yet so much alike. They shared pain, love, joy and sorrow. They shared it all. They understood without words how the other felt. </p><p>But there was still so much they didn't know. So much that was left buried deep within their subconscious minds. </p><p>Slowly but surely Ben's arms came around Rey, embracing her tightly and pinning her firmly to his chest. No words. He held her, dropping his chin down onto the crown of her head. Clutching at her as if she would fade away if he dared loosen his grip. His body was warm, safe in a way that she had never trusted before. Her sobs had dried up but she wasn’t ready to let go of him. “Ben,” she whispered, her throat still raw. “I don’t know how to do any of this either. But you’re strong enough, I know that.” Her voice was growing with compassion, it was easy to give it to someone else. “You’re the bravest man I know.”</p><p><em> Lies. </em> The hideous thoughts crept in on him. <em> Lies. You are not brave. You are a coward. </em> But Ben kept such a mental berating to himself. Rey was already burdened enough, he did not need to add his own personal hell to her already full glass. </p><p>And it was easy to ignore it with her body pressed into him. Ben let the waves of comfort crash over him as he listened to Rey's breathing. <em> In. Out. In. Out. </em> It helped ground him. She fit perfectly in his arms, like the missing piece of a puzzle he hadn't known he was trying to solve until it hit him over the face with a scalefish. More than that though, he knew with every fibre that Rey was special, Rey was precious and he would protect her at all costs. </p><p>"Let's agree to disagree." Ben murmured.</p><p>“I’m not agreeing to that,” she mumbled into his chest. “But I am done fighting.”</p><p>Her hands had found his hair again, letting her fingers run through the ends, her short nails tracing over his roots. This was much more soothing than counting tallies. She let her breathing fall in with his, her eyes closing as she listened to his heartbeat. Her arms tightened slightly, not wanting to let go of this little moment of peace.</p><p>"Close enough." It was the only words spoken in a long while as they clung to each other. A weird desire and need. Both were fiercely independent and yet needed each other more than they could comprehend. But what did it all mean? Were they doomed to walk the same path over and over? To find peace, to destroy it, to hurt, to comfort in an endless loop?</p><p>Rey’s tears had finally stopped. “I know you’re trying. I see it.” The validation of his efforts was the last push Ben needed to let go of his residual anger and the last of the tension released from his shoulders as they dropped. Her arms came down to around his middle so she could pull back slightly to look at him. “I do have one question though.” She left her tone light — she already knew that it didn’t matter.</p><p>Looking down at Rey, Ben’s fearful tension seemed to build again, apprehensive despite her tone. "Yes?"</p><p>“Any other reasons we’re on Naboo that I should know about?”</p><p>She looked up with a half-smile. Yes, it annoyed her that he hid the saber information from her, but then, she would have done the same in his place. And she had already said she did not want him without a lightsaber — it wasn’t like she could get angry he had thought of it too.</p><p>The question caused Ben to chuckle dryly with relief and he shook his head. He'd braced for a far, far worse question than that. "No, no other reason."</p><p>Rey’s hands came up to his face, just cradling him gently, brushing his hair out of his face. “At least it was only a two-hit fight this time,” she commented. “We’re improving.”</p><p>"My balls beg to differ," Ben replied crudely as he brought his hands up to rest over Rey's before pulling them from his face. It was strange to think that the scars, inflicted upon him by her, still caused him shame and he didn't like them being touched. "Are you really going to kick me in the groin every time you get mad at me?"</p><p>Rey had the decency to wince. “I’m sorry. It’s...well, it’s habit. I’ll try to quash it.” </p><p>That was the easiest way to put it.</p><p>"Both my genitals and I will thank you to unlearn it," Ben replied, a tone of good humor edging into his voice. "I did the cooking. Does that mean you do the cleaning up?" An impish smile graced his lips. </p><p>He wouldn't admit it, but he was tired. He'd thought himself healed, at full strength but it appeared today's exertions left him more tired than it should have.</p><p>Rey nodded, moving to pick up their plates. “I’ve got this and the fire. Unless you want to sleep out here again?”</p><p>Shaking his head, Ben glanced at the sky. "Especially not when it looks like rain is coming."</p><p>Rey hadn’t even noticed, but there were clouds coming now. She squatted next to the fire, using their prodding stick to spread the embers out. “You can go ahead, I’ll just be a few.”</p><p>Was it wrong to hesitate? Was it wrong that he wanted to keep an eye on her? Make sure she was safe? It was unlikely that anything would find them here on Naboo, except the idea of anything happening to her was all-consuming. He'd lost her once and he vowed to never let it happen again. To never let her be hurt again. </p><p>Deciding he was being silly, Ben turned back for the Falcon. "Yeah sure."</p><p>His answer made her peer up at him, curious. She didn’t <em> want </em> him to go, she had only said it because it seemed like the nice thing to do. That way, he didn’t have to wait for her.</p><p>“Unless…” <em> Kriff</em>, she didn’t actually have anything. Shuffling the embers always took longer than it was worth without sand to throw on it — that was probably the only advantage to the desert, it was easy to kill a fire. “You want to hear the story of how ball busting became a habit?”</p><p><em> ...not the most tempting offer you have, Rey, </em> she thought, chagrined.</p><p>Two steps. All he'd taken was two steps before Rey's voice stilled him. Arms folded over his chest, hugging himself as he did so. It was a common thing for him, to stand in such a way. It was comfortable, but it also made him look larger than he was (not that he needed help in that regard.) </p><p>"I feel like it's going to be painful for me to hear, but sure." His balls did seem to tighten in sympathy. He had a feeling the man, or, even more likely, the men who created this habit were forever talking in a higher octave now.</p><p>Rey hadn’t thought about this in a long time. She had taken the lessons and locked the memories all away with everything else to do with those first months on Jakku — even the good ones. “Kids were arriving all the time,” she started, raking the coals to expose them. “There was always an issue with people dying, so they always had to bring in new scrappers. But there were still a lot of elders.” She remembered watching them all, trying to understand how they had done it. How they could be that old on that planet. She threw dirt over the embers, letting it kill the oxygen. </p><p>Stepping closer to the now dying fire, Ben listened intently to Rey, not dissimilar to a child settling in to listen to an epic tale. It hurt, to listen to the way she spoke of her childhood as if it was normal. As if she hadn't been abandoned for no good reason. He could not say the same for himself. He spoke of his life and past with resentment. All of it. At least all of it till now. </p><p>“The elders and the kids tended to pair or group up — not always a good thing for the kids, I saw. So I refused and kept trying to go it alone.” She looked up at him over the dying fire, smiling grimly. “No surprise there.”</p><p>"I bet you were stubborn from the moment you were born," Ben stated casually, his tone light as he nodded his head, encouraging Rey to continue.</p><p><em> Probably </em>. She smiled ruefully. “I used to hope I wasn’t. That I was perfect until the day they left me behind, because maybe then I wasn’t the reason.” She huffed a laugh, it was strange how shallow these old wounds felt tonight.</p><p>"You wouldn't be you, if you weren't stubborn." Ben replied quietly, kindly. <em> And I admire it in you. </em></p><p>Rey looked up from exposing new coals, her face a mix of gratitude and surprise. Taking it with a half-smile and a nod because she wasn’t sure what to say, she continued, “Anyway, I was doing awful. I could tell it wasn’t working, I was getting too hungry. </p><p>“But then I saw this elder come in. She had a massive haul behind her, she must have been out for days to get it all.” She scattered more dirt over the still-burning coals, her face twisting up as she tried to tug the memory. “Someone younger tried to intimidate her… I can’t remember if he threatened her or hit her, but I do remember that all she had to do was open her mouth and <em> scream</em>, and he backed off.” Rey’s respect for Sal still burned bright every time she thought of that wide, half-empty mouth opening and screeching like a vulture until the bigger, muscly man backed away from her. “She made so many rations that day, and she wasn’t even scared to collect them in front of everyone.</p><p>“So I started trying to shadow her, spy on everything she did, so I could be as good as her. I didn’t make it a few hours before she finally told me to just walk with her instead of behind her. Sal taught me everything about Jakku. About the lightning and dust storms, where the water farms were, how to scale and descend through the Imperial warships…”</p><p>A soft smile tugged ever so slightly at the corners of his lips as he listened with rapt interest. The way that Rey spoke, it seemed as though the memory was as real to her now as the day it had come to pass. A sad story was what Ben had expected. Some hardship that taught her how to cut a man down to size. But this was the opposite — a tale of kindness and maternal instincts amongst strangers. The greater good of the universe. The balance. </p><p>Rey threw more dirt on the fire. It looked like it was out, and anything left would be taken care of by the rain. Wiping her hands on her breeches, she slowly stood from her squat, another something from Sal — <em> get your feet flat on the ground and even from a squat, you can take someone. </em></p><p>“But most importantly she taught me to fight. She told me ‘<em>be the bigger animal</em>,’ if you act scary, you are scary. And whenever you have to fight a man, especially a big one, nail them in the nuts.” Sal hadn’t had the prettiest vocabulary, and she had taught Rey everything she knew about anatomy, too.</p><p>Ben wondered briefly how or if Rey would have survived had she not met this 'Sal.' Would she be the fiesty, hot-tempered, sharp-tongued force to be reckoned with that she was today? Would she have that inner gentleness, a kindness reserved for those deserving of it — for those who earned it. </p><p>"I think I would have liked to meet Sal. The woman would be proud of you, Rey."</p><p>Rey came around the fire, her shoulders bumping against him as she smiled bashfully at the ground. Sal was one person she could point to in her life and believe they were proud of her, something she hadn’t expected Ben to sense. “She would <em> not </em> have liked you,” she told him honestly. “Maybe if she got to know you, but physically? I don’t think any of—” <em> us </em> “—them would let you within fifty meters. Not with all your size and strength.”</p><p>Ben's head tilted to the side ever so slightly as Rey lowered her head in a bashful smile. Sal had clearly been a defining factor in her life and even after all these years she was still there, a reminder of how far Rey had come. "I would expect nothing less. If Sal was half as cunning and streetwise…? Sandwise? As you say, then I'd be more concerned if you thought she <em> would </em> have liked me." Rey chuckled at ‘<em>sandwise</em>.’ It wasn’t a bad way to describe the common sense needed to survive on Jakku. </p><p>Smiling with her, Ben unfolded his arms, gesturing at his body from head to toe. "I wasn't always like this. As a child I was lanky and tripped over my feet. A lot."</p><p>Coming up the ramp of the <em> Falcon</em>, she paused to close it for the night. “What about your ears?” </p><p>"I grew into them too." Ben replied, with a roll of his eyes. "Never tripped over them, though." As Rey paused to close the entrance ramp, he continued down towards the bunks. "You can't deny you're attracted to me. Big ears and all," Ben called over his shoulder.</p><p>“When did I deny it?” she called back, heading to the galley to finish cleaning up. “I have lightsaber duels with everyone I flirt with.” <em> All one of them. </em> She started scrubbing the pots, working on breaking up the gunk of food at the bottom. Her body was tired, but at least she wasn’t cleaning up her own cooking. Then she’d be scraping the charred bottom layer until her shoulder gave.</p><p>Chuckling as he walked away, Ben flopped down on his bunk with a groan. Away from her eyes, he let his guard down and raised his hands above his head; studying them. They trembled with the effort. <em> Kriff. </em> It shouldn't still be this hard. But then again, the last couple of days he hadn't exactly taken it easy. Between his physical fights with Rey and the exertions on the bedroom he still needed more time. As he lay staring upwards, his thoughts drifted to the past. He tried to recall a happier time, but found only snippets of happiness with both Leia and Han. He'd always blamed them for it, for never being able to live up to their expectations and the <em> name </em> he carried. For having too high of a pedestal placed beneath him. </p><p>Flying, or the learning of under Han and Chewie's overly-scrutinizing instruction, was one such memory. It had been the one time he felt free. Truly <em> free</em>. It was the only time he didn't have to be afraid of who he was. How many times had he caught Leia alone, and Han, for that matter, and tried to tell them about the darkness, the all consuming fear and anger that had plagued him. It grew as he did, it had <em> always </em> been there. Even as a child, he knew what he would see reflected in their eyes if he tried. Disappointment and hate. It was what he'd seen in Luke the night he'd made an attempt on his life, when he was just a boy trying to make sense of his world.</p><p>His choice had not been made. Not until that night. </p><p>It took maybe twenty minutes for Rey to finish with the pots, plates, and forks. It was easy, disappearing into the scrubbing. It was an old habit. Another one Sal taught her to do properly. She grinned to herself. Not too long ago, thinking of Sal, of Rey’s first days on Jakku, all of it, would have emotionally compromised her. But tonight, on this side of history, it just meant less. Not because of the discovery of love or whatever feeling her parents used to justify their actions, but because her largest “what if” was answered. <em> What if I was wanted. </em> Nothing would have changed.</p><p>It was an empty triumph, strangely. A freedom she realized she’d already wielded since she left Jakku. This piece of the puzzle was showing her a fuller picture of herself. But, given how enormous the events of the past year had been, Rey wasn’t sure she would ever see the whole vision. </p><p>Lost in all that, she returned to the bunk, looking for her sleep clothes. Looking up at her, Ben blinked, a sigh parting his lips. </p><p>"Do you ever think we are just puppets in someone else's master plan?" he asked aloud.</p><p>Taking down a pile of loose, shapeless shifts from a compartment, Rey considered his words.</p><p>Before everything, she had thought Kylo Ren was the most powerful. Not just in the Force, but as a physical threat. And sympathizing with him, let alone <em> empathizing</em>, was impossible. How could Ben Solo have made so many bad choices? But then she found out about Snoke. And what Luke had done. And then there was Palpatine, and Leia, who had known it all… </p><p>They had all been paying the same price for whatever Anakin and Padme had bought themselves all those years ago. Sighing heavily, Rey unfolded a light blue coarseweave nightshift and put the rest back, before she came to sit next to him, taking his hand.</p><p>“Yes. I think we were.”</p><p>Unlike Rey, Ben had simply discarded all of his clothing to sleep. Except for his undergarments. He'd always felt sleep shirts, and anything else designed for sleep, were restricting and uncomfortable. </p><p>"I can't help but feel like we still are," Ben replied but he made no effort to sit up, instead giving Rey's hand a squeeze.</p><p>It was possible. That had certainly been the lesson of the past week: <em> anything </em> was possible. And if anything <em> was </em> holding them back, Rey was done with it. “Then we kill them, too.” </p><p>It was as easy as that. </p><p>It had been a big day, and the intricacies of the galaxy was not something Ben truly wished to ponder. Rey was right. If something <em> was </em> still pulling their strings, they would kill it. Pity he couldn't kill the ghosts of both their pasts. </p><p>"Sounds like a fair plan."</p><p>Giving his hand a squeeze, Rey stood up and started stripping off. Gone was the embarrassment — he had seen it all already and Rey had never really cared about nudity. Besides, a year in any army would cure anyone of that problem. </p><p>Ben did not even try and hide his wandering gaze as Rey shrugged out of her clothes and into sleep attire. The large coarseweave shift really did nothing for her but he didn't mind, he had the perfect view of her backside as she changed and he was not remotely ashamed to lay there and stare. </p><p>The shifts were something she had made special — she had never had sleep clothes and the luxury of it always made her feel decadent. She and Rose had found the tailors together, after a month of saving their extra credits. Taking her dirty clothes, she shoved them in the laundry compartment, before turning back to him. </p><p>She didn’t quite know how to ask her question, so she leaned against the bunk, eyeing the spot next to him and then the bunk above him. It was hard to miss her hesitancy, as if wanting something without having to actually say it. "Everything okay?" Ben queried softly.</p><p>“I…” He was an enormous man, the bunks were not exactly built for two regular sized people in mind, let alone him plus someone else. She was sure she could fit, just not how comfortably… “Could we sleep together? I don’t want to…” <em> be alone</em>, Ben finished in his mind. Her eyes drifted to the bunk above. “I’d rather sleep with you.”</p><p>He understood the feeling. And yet being alone was his normal. So why did it feel so right to be with her?  "We might need to pull the mattresses off the bunks and put them on the floor somewhere. We won't fit comfortably in the same bunk."</p><p>Relief flooded out from her chest...being <em> this </em> clingy, feeling <em> this </em> drawn to him, she hated the uncertainty of it. But each new experience was new to both of them. Smiling at him, she grabbed the mattress off the middle bunk. </p><p>“Can you get that one?” she asked as she hauled hers sideways through the door.</p><p>Unselfconsciously, except maybe of his scars, Ben kicked his blanket off and crawled free of the bunk to drag the mattress he'd been lying on with him out of the door behind Rey. </p><p>Rey had only moved hers just outside the door, having put it next to the second triple bunk. That way it would be easier to put them away later. Moving around him she shuffled under the bunk, pulling out a box she had hid behind all the others.</p><p>It had been too embarrassing before, to think of Ben finding this little trinket, so she’d hidden it as effectively as she could without using the secret compartments. She had been worried that would probably be where he would start, if he tossed her things. If they couldn’t get along.</p><p>Arranging the blankets over both of the mattresses to afford the best likelihood that they would both have covers without constantly pulling them off of one another, Ben had assumed Rey had gone to make sure they needed nothing else. So when she came back holding an orb shaped machine he didn't quite know what to make of it. </p><p>It had taken Rey a week to get it right, after she had first seen the design. On Jakku, she had the stars and moonlight for when she was scared, but on a ship, there were no soft light sources. Coming under the covers and rolling onto her stomach, she put it above her pillow. “I prefer to sleep with this on, if that’s okay?”</p><p>She looked both embarrassed and hopeful and he didn't have the heart to poke fun of her right now. He didn't like the dark, but neither did he try and compensate for it. But he couldn't blame anyone who did.</p><p>"Sure. I don't mind." He knelt down, slowly, trying his best to hide the trembling of his hands at the effort. He'd have been better just flopping down. "But if you snore, it's a deal breaker."</p><p>“Chewie’s never complained.” Feeling too lazy to get up, she hit the <em> Falcon’s </em> lights with the Force, so that the softest glow filled the room. The tiny little holes at the top filtered little stars up onto the bulkheads. It was almost like when the moonlight would shine through her AT-AT. <em> Strange, the things you miss, when they’re gone, </em> she mused.</p><p>"That's because Chewie snores louder than any human could. Honestly, I don't know how you could have put up with it," Ben remarked with a smile on his lips. Rolling onto his back and tucking his hands under his head he watched the pattern of 'stars' on the bulkhead, finding it strangely comforting. He could see why she liked it. But what was more comforting was her being at his side. "Goodnight Rey."</p><p>“Goodnight.” She thought about turning on the rotator, something she had proudly managed to make whirr silently, but that was really only for nights when she couldn’t sleep. And tonight, now she was actually down, she was exhausted.</p><p>There was still one thing she wanted to say, something she had been too afraid to try earlier. The conversation about Sal had been so unexpectedly meaningful, she hadn’t wanted to risk it. Apparently she could only admit scary things when she hoped he was too close to sleep to hear them.</p><p>“Leia’s proud of you, Ben.”</p><p>Outwardly Ben didn't respond to Rey's words. He didn't want to cause another fight and so simply pretended to be asleep, and instead stewed on the words. The very notion of Leia being proud of her son who stood in opposition of everything she believed in and dreamed of, everything she hoped for was impossible. A thought he couldn't say to his current companion. She idolised the General, and rightly so. The woman had shown her kindness and compassion. Something he hadn't known from his own mother. </p><p>It left his thoughts troubled as he slipped into sleep. And somehow, he also believed those words too. He was in a weird state, between troubled and settled by the comment.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>CW: physical fight</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rey hadn’t slept so soundly in, well she couldn’t remember how long. She was still in the position she had fallen asleep in. Stiffly reaching up to straighten her arms, she arched and bowed her spine, rubbing her face into the pillow, her arms coming up to scratch her head.</p><p>It took a moment to remember there might be an audience. Peeking up from the pillow, her ears turning red, Rey saw he was awake and watching her.</p><p>"You know, I'm pretty sure you snored last night." Ben teased. At least neither of them had woken in screams and nightmares this time. He hadn’t wanted to disturb her so he had remained still, until she had woken. He wouldn't deny the fact that he enjoyed making Rey's cheeks flush (in more ways than one). It was far too easy of an opportunity to pass up, and yet he was already flinching away from a groin hit that he was sure would come for his insolence.</p><p>“Then you’re lucky,” she grumbled, rolling over, sliding her arm under the pillow as her ears went brighter. “Chewie says I could sing in the Kashyyyk choir. Free performance.”</p><p>Ben chuckled and rolled onto his side to face Rey. He was quiet for a long moment before finally stretching back onto his back and sitting up. "Big day today. I'm really looking forward to finding the estate." Not what he had wanted to say but he didn't know how to say it yet and deflection was a good tactic.</p><p>Rey turned over when he sat up, wondering if something was amiss. Nothing seemed out of sorts, the bond was quiet. But then again, this was probably going to be a very strange day. A walk in a Skywalker family landmine mausoleum. What could go wrong?</p><p>“When’s the last time you flew this old bird?”</p><p>"I was six," Ben replied honestly, fingers running through his hair before scrubbing at his face. Today was going to be difficult. He couldn't predict what memories, emotions or issues might occur as a result, but he looked over at Rey and knew that whatever came, together they would figure it out. Even if it did mean a fight or two to get there.</p><p>“Huh,” she said, surprised. When exactly had Luke taken him? “Want to change that?” </p><p>Even as Rey made her suggestion, she could already see a smirk spreading on Ben’s lips, eyes lighting up with mischievous humor. Han Solo would be turning in his grave to know that his son was taking the helm of the <em> Falcon </em> again. “I would love nothing more,” he replied. "I haven't flown her since I stole it once for a joyride. Han banned me after that. And then within a year or two I was sent off with Luke." </p><p>“I wish I could have seen that,” she admitted, grinning back at him. “How did you get control? How did you handle her?”</p><p>“I watched Han fly for as long as I could remember,” he replied casually with a shrug. Despite having been visited by the Force Ghost of his father in the lead up to the final battle with Palpatine, where he received the affirmation of Han’s forgiveness and love, it was Ben who found it hard to forgive Han. He hadn't tried to stop Leia, even when he knew sending him away with Luke was not the right choice. His tone twisted dryly, almost sarcastically. "I knew all of his tricks just from studying him. But he never let me handle her on my own. So I decided to just do it one day." Leaving the part where he had actually crashed her a few minutes into the flight left unsaid. Since then he’d had far more training and knew how to handle most spacecraft. Looking down at the mattresses on the floor as he stood, Ben was determined to leave that trip down memory lane right there. He would be walking down many such lanes in the days to come. </p><p>While he spoke, an idea occurred to Rey — something she hadn’t really tried in the Force, but theoretically was possible. But watching his face and tone transform, she realized it would probably be better received later. Padding behind him to the cockpit, she sat down in the co-pilot’s chair, entering the coordinates. “What’s the name of this place again?”</p><p>"Varykino. But sometimes it's just called the Lake Retreat. I prefer its proper name, the common name just sounds... Well, too common." Ben explained. </p><p>Rey snorted as she pulled her knees up to her chest. “You are such a snob.”</p><p>Ben ignored the comment, starting to methodically switch the controls in order. A pattern he remembered even to this day. "There. Just like I remember." He eased the Falcon upwards and forwards.</p><p>It was hard not to smile as Rey watched him, her head perched on her knees. He still belonged here. She wished Han could have lived to see this, she knew he would be so proud to have his son piloting his ship. But she kept to herself, today was not a day to push boundaries. Once they levelled out, she went to the galley to cut up some fruit for breakfast. Passing him a tray as she sat down, she started on her bright white star fruit. Humming in delight at how sweet it was, she asked, “What’s this?”</p><p>Balancing the tray on one knee, Ben glanced over to Rey as she held up the fruit and had to fight back rolling his eyes at her. "It's not got a very imaginative name. Star fruit." It was strange to think that things he'd taken for granted, fruit, sweets, meat, Rey had not had growing up.</p><p>She would have thought he was joking if he had not started his answer the way he did. Picking up a second piece, Rey scowled at it, like it had personally offended her. “That’s the best people could come up with?”  </p><p>"Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. There's another fruit called Dragon fruit. Guess why? It's skin looks like dragon scales. Sometimes it’s the obvious answer." Ben shrugged. Of all the mysteries of the universe that wasn't something he wanted to dwell on. The reformed man was a man of few words at the best of times. Talking so freely and openly as he did with Rey was unfamiliar territory. It was why he preferred silence — he always knew the terrain.</p><p>But Rey wasn’t sure where Ben’s line was, between cranky and an actual plea for silence, so she tried to keep the tone light. “So what would your name be?” She held up the starfruit as if trying to compare it to him. “Tall fruit?”</p><p>"Seems better than rude fruit, which would be yours," Ben replied at a rapid fire pace, not missing a beat and not taking his eyes off the pilot window in front of him. The only hint that he wasn't upset with the slight upwards curve of his mouth. He didn't know <em> how </em> to make idle chatter. But something had been bothering him, something that he wasn't sure he wanted the answer to. And something he didn't quite know how to ask. </p><p>"Are you only here with me because of the Dyad? If it wasn't there, would this still be ...this." </p><p><em> Oh </em>. She needed caf before this conversation. Shifting uncomfortably, Rey was glad that at least he wasn’t looking directly at her. Pretending her tray was very interesting, that the fruit was absolutely captivating to fidget with, she spoke her truth. “I’m here because I love Ben Solo.”</p><p>The answer was both a glancing hit and a gut punch. Was he Ben Solo? Or some hybrid of his two entities? Who even was Ben Solo? If he didn't know who he was, how could Rey say she loved him? Her answer only seemed to bring about more questions and unfortunately he couldn't return the sentiment. He knew he couldn't live without her, he knew he <em> wanted and needed </em> Rey more than the air he breathed, but he also did not know what <em> love </em> was. So how could he say he loved her in return? </p><p>Glancing over at Rey, Ben nodded finally. "Thank you."</p><p>In her fantasies where she admitted her feelings, Ben was never flatly polite. An automatic ‘<em> you’re welcome’ </em> sort of sound hummed in her throat. She should have seen it coming. He would never say it unless he meant it, of course. And him not saying it meant he didn’t feel it.</p><p><em> He doesn’t lie. </em> </p><p>Today of all days, she didn’t want to put more strain on their relationship. Bog it down with her problems and disappointments. Etched tallies appeared in her head and she started counting, fighting back tears. <em> Star fruit’s named star fruit, fucking brilliant, Rey. </em></p><p>"I'm sorry.” Ben might not have understood what love meant, but he did understand that <em> 'thank you' </em> was not the most normal reply to such a thing. “I care about you Rey, I want you and I need you and I was happy to die for you. I'm sorry but I don't know what love is. The idea maybe, but I don't <em> know </em> how it should be. Or feel. I don't know if I'm even capable of it." </p><p>This time he wasn't hiding behind his straightforward stare out of the window. This time, he was looking directly at her. Raw, stripped back. "But I do care."</p><p>“I understand.”</p><p>And the worst part was, Rey did. She could see, <em> feel </em> his sincerity. It just didn’t make the hurt any less. Knowing that it <em> shouldn’t </em> hurt didn’t comfort the little girl trying to start her first fire in the Jakku night. Why did he have to ask his stupid kriffing question? Why did her honesty feel like the wrong answer? If she had said yes, would it have been better? </p><p>Knowing if she stayed there it would get sloppy, she would set them up for failure later by starting the day off on such a wrong foot. “I just need the ‘fresher,” she said, leaving her tray on the seat.</p><p>It was only when Rey's footsteps were far enough away that he couldn't hear her did Ben punch the nearest thing in an outburst of anger. Anger at himself. He had said the wrong things, asked the wrong thing, and set himself up for another day of pain. He supposed that was all he was destined for. Pain, hurt, anger. An endless spiral that would trap him and anyone else in his orbit. The nearest thing that wouldn't hurt the Falcon happened to be the back of the co-pilots chair and he grazed his knuckles as he punched it. Sighing as the pain set in, he was quick to pull his shirt down lower to hide it — better to say nothing and stick to safe topics.</p><p>As she walked, Rey carefully built up shields in their bond. She didn’t want her emotions bleeding over to his. She shut the door, sliding down it. <em> They’re just words</em>, she told herself. <em> He </em> died <em> for you. He is </em> here <em> and he is trying. </em> She hung her head in shame. Why wasn’t that enough?</p><p><em> Because I love him</em>. A sob punched through her chest. <em> I’m already in love with him... </em></p><p><em> More fool you, </em> something snide and proud echoed in her head. Ben had always been honest about what he could do — could offer her. And none of it had promised love. She was going to cry for fifty tallies, and then breathe and meditate it all down for fifty. Then, once her face was dry, she would go back and face him.</p><p>Probably not his best idea, but Ben did try reaching out, pulling on the line of the Force that connected them, the tiny fibres holding two separate entities as one. And where he could normally feel her energy, where he could normally have an insight into her feelings, there was nothing. A cold, hard wall. <em> She's shut me out, </em> Ben realised sadly, a frown etching creases onto his brow. </p><p><em> Stupid. Stupid. Stupid boy, </em> he berated himself, his anger rising to the point where he needed an outlet, a release. Usually with bodily force, or sometimes snapping someone's neck. Those days were behind him though and instead he kicked out at the seat beside him, and threw the last of his plate of fruit across the room. A few more punches and a muffled cry of frustration followed by deep, repetitive breathing and he was calm enough to take the helm again. Silent.</p><p>Fortunately they were fast approaching Varykino and he could focus on setting down the <em> Falcon </em> as gently as he could.</p><p>Rey hadn’t expected them to be setting down so soon. Wiping her face, she popped her head out, acting for all the world like things were normal because they <em> were </em>, she called, “Are we there already?"</p><p>"I think so." Ben called back, hurriedly hiding the evidence of his childish tantrum as best he could. Kicking the tossed plate of food under a blanket, he would clean it up later, he added, "It looks like the right place."</p><p>She crossed to a long compartment, pulling out several bags. “I’ll just need a minute to get dressed.”</p><p>"I'll need a minute. After all, you hogged the 'fresher," Ben called back as he powered down the <em> Falcon </em> and sniffed at his clothing. He definitely needed something clean, and more fresh. He didn't know if there were caretakers here and he wanted to look the part. Or at least not be in two day old clothing with a distinct smell of sex clinging to him.</p><p>In spite of everything yesterday, Rey was suddenly self-conscious of her body in a way she hadn’t been in years. Ducking into the spare triple bunk, she shut the hatch before unhanging the outfit. It was one Leia had ordered for her for diplomatic missions. And funerals. </p><p>Pulling up the leggings, she did up her shoes before stepping into the dress. It was practical, modest, with frequent, well-placed slits up the skirt for freedom of movement. In different times, she would holster her lightsaber and blaster to her thighs and no one would be the wiser. Leia truly had many talents, and predatory fashion was one of them… Smoothing it all out, she fixed her hair back properly, before stepping into the hallway.</p><p>After collecting the sabers, Rey walked down the ramp, her boots clicking neatly on the metal. This outfit felt like the war — dragged out only in desperation or destruction. Perhaps it was only fitting she wear it now. </p><p>Varykino was gorgeous, though. Lush, colorful, sparkling. It spoke of great ancestry and proud pasts. Of beauty and tragedy. Somehow the building — <em> castle? palace? </em> — seemed to be integrated into the trees and wildlife. She hadn’t seen a culture take such care in its architecture before.</p><p>Ben joined Rey on the soft grass. He breathed in the fresh morning air deeply and let his eyes roam around the scenery. Rolling green mountains rising from a beautiful inland sea, though it was affectionately called a lake. The estate rose above the treeline and was set in an incline up the mountain that sheltered it. The turquoise dome apex rose proudly above the beige walls. From the outside it was stunning and even he could appreciate the beauty. It was designed to be at one with the nature that it resided in and that was a rare thing for societies in general. </p><p>"I knew it was going to be something, but this really <em> is something. </em>" Ben let out a low whistle.</p><p>“It’s beautiful,” she murmured, her arms folding up.</p><p>"I wonder whether there is anyone here? A caretaker maybe?" Ben mused aloud.</p><p>"Do we just..." Rey looked up at the place, unsure of what to expect. "...knock on the front door?"</p><p>Ben was equally as hesitant, unsure of where to start now they were here. "At least we will know if anyone is there. What have we got to lose?" He glanced up to the estate once more and drew in a deep breath before walking forward.</p><p>Rey made her way behind him, wondering if maybe she should have strapped her lightsaber to her thigh. Then again, that could send the entirely wrong message, especially given Ben’s notoriety. She supposed she could use the twins’ sabers if necessary, but somehow it felt sacrosanct now. Or at least, here it did. </p><p>With his heart pounding faster and faster as they drew closer, Ben rippled with unease. What had looked picturesque only moments before from a distance now felt ominous. From afar, the beauty had been evident, but upon closer inspection the nature had encroached. The blended architecture was now clearly overtaken by ivy and different roots.</p><p>Taking a brief moment, he closed his eyes to take steady breath in and a steady breath out. Casting his mind outwards, he searched for any lifeforms through the Force. But besides from a few woodland creatures, it was still. Reaching up, he pulled a vine free of the large heavy wooden doors, pushing and pulling at the handles. Locked. But picking locks was second nature to Han Solo’s son, even if Ben didn’t use the Force like he was now. Hand hovering over the keyhole, he felt more than heard a creaking <em> click </em>. He pushed against the door, but nothing gave. "I don't think anyone has been here in a long while."</p><p>With an almighty shove, he barged in, opening to a large, marble foyer.</p><p>Rey’s jaw had dropped. “No one’s <em> touched </em> it,” she whispered, awestruck as she turned in a circle. The dust was thick and heavy and everywhere. No drag marks from people pillaging it, no handprints and footprints of various thieves, not a single thing looked out of place. Her mind couldn’t comprehend it. All these riches, and no one had scavenged it. “No one’s even <em> touched </em> it.”</p><p>It took Ben a moment to understand why it was such a strange concept for Rey that the place had been let alone. <em> Right. Scavenger. </em> "The people here had great respect for <em> her</em>. It's probably a sacred place to them."</p><p>Rey gave him a nervous smile. That kind of respect...that didn’t exist anywhere else she knew. “I’ve never been intimidated by a ruin before.” Not that this was a ruin, but it wasn’t exactly in peak condition either. Prickles ran up her spine. With all the clutter, it was like there were eyes on them, watching and judging. </p><p>Stepping further into the estate Ben stopped dead, reaching for the nearest wall to steady himself as he was caught off guard by the echoes in the Force. Happy, beautiful memories hand in hand with so much crippling pain. It was devastating, and, for the first time since he was a child, he couldn't stop himself from following it down its Dark hole. It was a maelstrom of emotions —  suffering, fear, but also joy and elation. As if he could see Anakin and Padme laughing, joking and fighting right before his eyes. </p><p>Rey felt it a second after he did, though not nearly as keenly. Only tendrils of happiness and anger and love, all belonging to people she didn’t know.  Seeing Ben unsteadied brought her to his side, underneath his arm. “It’s just the Force,” she whispered. “It’s just...memories.”</p><p>Forcing his eyes shut, focusing on Rey's voice instead of the lingering ghosts that haunted these walls Ben started to count his breathing. <em> One, two. One, two. </em> It took longer than he liked to recover. Finally he stood straighter and offered a faint smile to Rey. "I know. I'm fine now."</p><p>“There was —” her throat caught on the word she wanted to use, instead using: “— happiness here. I felt so much happiness.” Somehow, she had never thought of Darth Vader as ever being happy. She had never really believed he loved his wife, now she thought about it. Not after what he did. But it was all there, real and palpable in the Force. </p><p>“A long time ago.” Ben replied, his lips twisting in sadness. Vader had been groomed from a child, just as he was from an unborn baby. Ben felt an affinity to his grandparents, Vader in particular. Both paths were full of pain and suffering. Feeling Rey’s tug on his arm as she started walking through the entrance hall to the next room, his feet blindly followed her lead. The doors shrieked on their hinges, giving way to a large long room, with a table to match. </p><p>Rey found it hard not to look at the massive dining room in disgust. She never saw more food wasted than when she was sitting at one of these grand tables. Oversized, unjustified spaces had become offensive to her after a year of travelling with Leia.</p><p>Arm in arm, they traversed from room to room. Silence hung heavy like the thickness of the echoes left behind everywhere they turned. It was bittersweet for Ben. A reminder of what he couldn't have, a reminder of how selfish he had been. Anakin had been happy once, in love. And it was what cemented his path to darkness. Ben had turned from his dark path, but the desire to protect Rey at all costs was already overwhelming and he truly would do anything for her. Was she to suffer the same fate as Padme? His own parents fought like hell. Love was not a thing a Skywalker could have without pain, death, and hurt. </p><p>Ben’s hand found Rey's fingers and he squeezed them, grounding himself. "Welcome to Varykino. At least we will have a proper bed tonight." </p><p>Shaking her head, Rey offered a half smile with a cocked eyebrow. She wasn’t one for caring much about dust, but she had a feeling he would. <em> Is it fair to call him fussy? </em> Rey mused. <em> Or is it moneyed? </em>“We will need to wash the bedding. Maybe we should wait ‘till tomorrow,” she suggested. </p><p><em> Entitled </em> was the word that Rey was looking for. So much so that it hadn't occurred to him that <em> they </em> needed to do such a thing as wash the bedding. "Oh. Right." Heat rose to his cheeks and he cleared his throat. Maybe when they had a decent and regular income of credits he could look at employing staff here — it could make for a safe and comfortable place to base themselves from.</p><p>“You’ve never done laundry before, have you?” Rey asked, stopping midstride, smile broadening as her eyes flicked over his discomfited face. </p><p>No. The answer was no. </p><p>"First time for everything right?" Ben murmured, face passive despite the growing embarrassment and flush of his cheeks. He strolled through towards a large glass window which overlooked the lake. </p><p>Rey couldn’t contain her huff of laughter. “Don’t worry, you just need a teacher. I can show you the ways of the soap.”</p><p>Deep laughter erupted from Ben. The word play was ironic to say the least. "Seems fair, Master Rey of the laundry." The laughter pulled something deep inside of Rey, and she found herself walking towards him. </p><p>“There are many ways of the Launderer,” she offered casually. “I’ll show you the power of detergents.” </p><p>And just like that, all the tension of the morning, all the fears and worries melted away. It allowed Ben’s childish and implike personality to shine through. "Clean ways and dirty ways no doubt. Please show me the secrets of the soap."</p><p>“Do you want to know the secret?” she asked, coming to lean with him against the windows.</p><p>"Yes Master. Pray, tell the uneducated." He smirked. </p><p>There was something that Rey liked about Ben calling her <em> ‘master’</em>. He had said it mockingly, but all the same it felt like a triumph. He was indeed learning from her. But it also felt like something deeper, something more like respect. Giving him a judgmental onceover, she pulled a grim face, as though he had only <em> just </em> passed her test. “The secret is,” she began, leaning forward most conspiratorially, “bubbles.”</p><p>Ben gasped.  "And here I thought bubbles were for bathing and nothing else." He wondered briefly if Padme and Anakin were so easy and relaxed around one another to hold such a ridiculous conversation and joke. "Consider your Padawan now educated."</p><p>“It’s all in the lather,” she said, continuing the banter. “You have to really gotta work it up.” She paused, one hand tapping her chin, the other unashamedly squeezing his sizable bicep. “I think you might have a knack for it.”</p><p>Ben snorted. "I'm not yet sure I am ready. I might need to observe a Master at work first." He sounded distracted now, his mind focused on a new mission. Slowly, he wandered off, exploring the halls. </p><p>Puzzled, Rey had followed behind him. Finally he stopped at a room with another large glass window, this time pointed to the trees of the mountain and shelves lined the walls. Upon the shelves was a multitude of books, and parchments. And as he had suspected, some children's books. The room took Rey’s breath away. She never got into the private rooms in any of the fancy places she had been. After spending too much time joking with Finn and Rose about what could finally be behind those other doors, here she was. </p><p>She was crossing to the shelves. “I’ve never seen so many…” Her hand brushed the soft cloth covers of the books.</p><p>"And as heir to all this, I'm giving them to you. So that when you learn to read you can read as much or as little as you want." To him, it was a small gesture but in hindsight to Rey it was probably a grand one.</p><p>Rey choked on her thoughts. “These?” she whispered. “<em>All </em> these?” She was turning in a circle, taking in the room. “I’ve...I’ve never owned this much.” There was a silly flicker of fear, as though she couldn’t be responsible enough for it, even if it was all just <em> stuff. </em> Really, really special <em> stuff. </em>“Don’t you want them? I can’t take all this…” </p><p>Ben truly enjoyed sharing special firsts such as this. For him, it was a mundane room full of books, but to Rey it was wondrous and amazing. It was humbling to understand that maybe this was too much too soon. Too grand of a gesture. "How about we share?" He countered, hands resting on Rey’s hips, which sent her heart thumping.</p><p>Rey could hear the smile in his words, and here he was, that person she loved. “I’ve never been any good at sharing,” she admitted, side-eyeing him. </p><p>As her head dipped to the side, smiling at the happy familiarity, Ben fought the urge to nibble at Rey's ear. "I'm not good at sharing either." And he wasn't. Ben was just as possessive as Kylo and Stars forgive anyone who tried to take her away from him. Her hand went to his thigh, pulling him closer, unable to stop herself from thinking of that time in the throne room. If he had ordered the Fleet to stop that night, she would have taken his hand, and more.  </p><p>“You’re going to be a difficult teacher, aren’t you?” she asked. </p><p>"Just as you are going to be a difficult student. What could possibly go wrong?" Damn her to hell for having such power over him. Being this close to her was intoxicating and he had little to no self control when it came to her. Reluctantly he broke away. "We both have much to learn." <em> At least Rey only needs to learn how to use the Force and to read, </em> Ben thought dimly. His list was far greater.</p><p>Snatching for courage she didn’t feel, Rey’s hands went to his as she twisted around. “I don’t need you to tell me you love me,” she heard herself saying. “Just tell me there’s no one else.” </p><p>Caught off guard by the demand, Ben hesitated for a brief moment. He knew the answer. It was simple. "Rey, you are the only one. Always. Inexplicably. You." The words were sincere and he felt it to his core.</p><p>“You.” Rey echoed as she trembled slightly, tears welling. “Only you.” She’d barely finished her words before Ben claimed her lips. It was the only way he knew to show his true feelings. Words could never do it justice right now. Wrapping her arms behind his beck, Rey shifted to hug him tightly to her, melting into the kiss. Just the feeling of his heart next to hers, it made everything easier to take. She hadn’t realized how much she needed to hear those words.</p><p>Breaking the embrace, with a chaste kiss to the crown of her head Ben gestured to the mansion with a hand once more. "Should we continue exploring?"</p><p>Rey nodded, walking next to him this time. “How did you know where to go?”</p><p>"I don't. Not really. The Force, it’s guided me. It's honestly going to be like living with ghosts here." A strange feeling. He had a strong emotional connection to this place, he could see Anakin and Padme as real as Rey was to him. </p><p>And yet, at the mention of ghosts, the blood was drained from her face. “Can you...do you see them? Or hear them?” she asked, causing Ben to pause in his stride on the stairs and tilt his head to peer down at her. </p><p>"It depends,” he replied thoughtfully. “I can't hear them, not in the sense of them talking to me. It's more... It's as if I am watching a hologram of them, of a memory they shared."</p><p>“Oh…” She wasn’t disappointed, it just sounded so much different from her experience. Rey started on the stairs again, just as Ben did, though her strides were quicker to catch up. “I never told you what happened between Endor and Exegol…” The words began hesitantly before strengthening. “But I don’t know if today is the day for it.” </p><p>Curiosity seemed to get the better of Ben, brow quirked in question. Something told him he was sure to regret his next words, something in the way she spoke hesitantly and with uncertainty. "No. You didn't. But I am curious."</p><p>Against her better judgement, Rey humored him, knowing full it was likely to hurt him. “It involves Luke, Leia and Anakin.” Even just hearing the names cause Ben’s jaw to tighten, his chin jutting out stubborn stupidity. He didn’t need to speak the words, to ask her to tell him. Despite his clear apprehension, his eyes were hungry for the truth. </p><p>Rey sat down on the stair, fanning out the skirts just like Leia had taught her. Ben refused to sit, leaning against the wall, a few steps below her so their eyes were level. Taking a deep breath, she started. “After I took your <em> Silencer </em>, I went to Ahcht-Too, and I crashed it. I thought I had become Luke — causing more harm than good. So I...I went to throw away the lightsaber, just like him, but Luke stopped it. He caught it.”</p><p>"A true Force Ghost," Ben noted softly. Here, it was just echos, memories. But she had seen a real one. "Go on."</p><p>The memory provoked a mirthless smile. It was very Luke. “I think he came to say <em> ‘I told you so’ </em> one more time. He told me about Leia’s training and her vision.” Rey held up the satchel as evidence. “And told me to take these to Exegol in his X-Wing.”</p><p>Ben's jaw clenched a little more as he fought to keep his anger down. Of course Luke had wanted the last say. Of course he had to be the true hero in the tale despite abandoning them all. Despite his urges to kill what had at that point been his innocent nephew. "From what I remember Force Ghosts can manifest themselves in times of need, provided they have a connection to you." His voice was strained as he spoke.</p><p>Rey nodded, looking down. “I was going to abandon the Force after I…” Her hand reached up towards where she had impaled him on his own blade, but it fell short as Ben caught her hand before she could touch him. She might have healed him that day, no scars or visible marks left from that encounter but at times a phantom pain would stab through him. “I failed you worse than Luke ever did.”</p><p>Swallowing the lump in his throat, Ben squeezed Rey’s hand. "No. You didn't fail me. Unlike with Luke, I had made my choice then. And I gave you no choice."</p><p>That wasn’t true and it wasn’t worth pretending it was. “You were pulling your punches,” Rey mumbled, shaking her head. “You always pulled your punches on me. You only tried to kill me once, and it wasn’t face-to-face,” she pointed out, thinking of Crait and the <em> Falcon</em>. “You only tried to make sure I never killed you...and I tried to kill you <em> every </em> time.” </p><p>Her words incited the thoughts of self-hate to resurface in his mind. <em> Because I wanted you to kill me. </em> Ben thought darkly. <em> Maybe not to begin with but on Endor’s moon, that is exactly what I wanted. </em> A dry chuckle sounded out from him instead. "I have enough manners not to properly hit a woman. I still do." Deflection. "It's in the past, Rey. It's been done. Neither of us can change the past. We can only move forward."</p><p>She knew the joke was masking something, but as she squeezed his hand, she knew she wasn’t going to press him. Instead she smiled up through the tears that had started, wiping her eyes on her long sleeve. Clearing her throat wasn’t quite so easy. Holding onto Rey's hand, Ben sat down beside her. He could appreciate how difficult this conversation was for her, it was equally as difficult for him to hear. “O-on Exegol,” she began slowly, “after you were tossed into the pit, I called on all the Jedi. I asked them to be with me. I heard...I heard Leia and Luke. And I think I heard Anakin too.”</p><p>It was near impossible to keep the bitterness out. Supporting Rey made the sting of <em> his </em> family going to <em> her </em> aid a little less painful. "Makes sense," he murmured as he leaned in, shoulders touching hers. "A family reunited to help the good fight. All of them liked playing the hero in some way.” </p><p>Anger was bubbling beneath the surface but not at her. At Leia, at Luke, and even his grandparents. Han had been the only one to encourage him, to stop him from finishing the job Rey had started. Had he not appeared when he did, Ben knew he would have ended his own life, on his own sabre. A coward's death, for that was all he was. But for Rey, his shoulders against hers seemed to take some of the pain of it all away. Going through it together, it was so much easier than before, alone.</p><p>Folding his hand over in both of hers, she kissed it gently. That she had so much more time with his family at the end, and he had so little… “I had an idea this morning — I don’t know if it would work, and I was thinking of trying it on something happier — but maybe I can give you a memory?”</p><p>Blinking, feeling wetness on his own cheeks, Ben realised a moment too late that silent tears had begun to fall from his eyes. "We could try.” It was impossible to keep the slight waver of uncertainty from his voice. </p><p>Rey cradled his face gently as she kissed his tears, then pressed her forehead to his. So many firsts had taught her that using her hands made things much easier, so she traced her fingertips over his temple. As they breathed in the same air, it was easy to imagine the Bond opening with their lungs, each inhale bringing them deeper in. Ben couldn't prepare, he didn't know what to expect. Foreheads touching, his eyes closed and he focused only on Rey, her breathing, her heart beat and before he knew it, it was as if he was falling, tumbling into their connection. A separate entity from his body, seeing the world through her eyes, <em> living </em> the memory through Rey's eyes. </p><p>The memories were there — the terror at him being thrown so far away from her. Rey tugging desperately at the Bond, looking for him. On her back, watching the Resistance burn and finally, <em> finally </em> finding the people she had been calling on for a year. Everyday she had begged, but there had never been clarity like this: she <em> had </em> to do it, so she did.</p><p>The planet was falling away, she was the heart of lightning, etching itself in space. Here was the Jedi. <em> Be with me. Be with me. </em></p><p>A wise, old voice whispered, “These are your final steps, Rey. <em> Rise! </em> And take them …”</p><p>“Rey!” <em> Finn </em> ? Her heart was breaking. <em> Rose. </em>“Rey!”</p><p>A young, steady voice: “Bring back the Balance, Rey, as I did.” <em> Anakin? </em> </p><p>More and more people were joining.<em> “Find the light!”, “Rey!”</em>, Luke, voices she had never heard before, louder and louder, <em> rise rise rise</em>!</p><p>Rey jerked her hands away — any further and he would see more than he needed — letting her connection close.</p><p>It was bittersweet to Ben. She hadn't been alone in her final moments, despite him failing her in that regard. Alone as a child, alone for life, alone for death. He had gone to her, to stand with her but in the end he had failed. And she had succeeded in his failure. They truly were two halves of one whole. But as he was thrown out of the connection, Rey slamming it shut before her final moments Ben was left grasping the stairs for support. It took a moment but wordlessly he rose to his feet and stalked back down the stairs. He needed air. </p><p>No. He needed pain. A distraction. A pain greater than the one in his heart. The glass window was not one to be easily broken but using the Force behind his punch it shattered to the ground in glistening shards around him. <em> Breathe. Just breathe. </em> </p><p><em> "Why?" </em> Ben demanded. "Why did…why do they love you and not me? Why did they <em> all </em> turn away from me and open their arms to you?" The words made Rey flinch but there was no point in trying to plead that they did indeed love him, because in the end, they had all turned their backs on him. And Rey would never understand it, not truly. She had an idea why, but it was so cruel, so meaningless… Like he had said earlier, oftentimes it's the most obvious and most cynical answer that was right right. They opened their arms out of necessity. They had needed her, so they had nurtured her. But they had never looked for her before. Never tried to find any Jedi students in the outer rim. If she had trained with Ben, maybe everything could have been different.</p><p>She had nothing, so she walked down the stairs, just to be with him. Swallowing down the lump in his throat, Ben didn't need to look behind him to know Rey hovered near. He could feel her. Just as he could feel a distinct warm wetness in his hand and looked down. It was bleeding, flesh shredded from the glass. </p><p>"I'm glad you weren't alone. That they were with you." Ben murmured.</p><p>They never lied to each other, and looking at his knuckles, she didn’t want to cause him more pain but… It took several tries before she got through her sentence: “I was alone.” </p><p>Ben’s face was ashen as he turned and struggled to meet her gaze. "I'm sorry." He wasn't even trying to hide the tears. "I never wanted that for you. You never deserved that." </p><p>Rey’s hand cradled his, the Force brushing over his skin, carefully removing any shards. They fell with soft tinkles to the floor. She knew his body now, how it should feel under her hands. It was like knitting his hand from memory, almost.</p><p>"I thought we were supposed to be focusing on happy right now?" Ben choked out, finding a very interesting spot on the floor, the words causing a wet giggle to burst from Rey’s chest. He wondered briefly what an outsider would think of their incredibly <em> kriffed </em> up lives and interwoven destiny. It was a clusterfuck to say the least. It was easier to leave it all behind, move on like this was normal. "So, this will do, yes? A place to call home?" </p><p>Rey raised her eyebrows at him, then cast her gaze around, looking unimpressed. “This shack? It’s far too small for the likes of me.”</p><p>A snort sounded. "My mother really did rub off on you. I still want to find Padme’s resting place though."</p><p>It was certainly not the worst thing he had said to her — Leia’s humor was one of her greatest gifts. With a soft smile, she nodded, taking his arm as they walked up the stairs again. The place was gigantic, full of rooms that Rey couldn’t even imagine purposes for. Rooms for plates and silverware, rooms for sitting very near the ground, rooms for sitting rather high above the ground…. They kept the tone light as they explored. Bantering back and forth, on and off between comfortable silences and moments where they caught one looking at the other. It was at least midday by the time they found themselves at the beginning of a new section of the palace. Newer and in a slightly different style.</p><p>"Do you feel it?" Ben asked, slowing his walk to hesitate over a stairwell. It wasn't a big one just a few steps down, making it level with the water line outside. The stairs lead to deep red oak doors and he could feel the cool air coming from behind the doors. Something was calling to him. And it came from there.</p><p>Rey came to stand next to him, taking his hand in hers. Somehow it felt natural to reply in the Bond: <em> ‘I feel it, too.’ </em></p><p>Something about physical touch with Rey always bought him comfort, gave him courage. One step down, then two, three and finally four. His free hand pushed against the middle of the doors. They were not locked and with the wood groaning from inaction for so long, he stepped inside. </p><p>The grey walls of a mausoleum rose around them, on the eastern most end of the room a beautiful leadlight portrait of Padme was looking with eerie serenity. In the early light of the morning she would be warmed by the rising sun. Beside it stood two pillars, flowers long since dead adorned them. And in the middle sat a simple stone crypt with her family crest. Rey stared at the magnificent room. A true testament of love, one made of architecture.</p><p>Ben stepped forward, placing a hand on the stone. This room <em> felt </em> the way that Padme did to her people. Cherished. Loved. Respected. Revered. Aware of a tug on his hand, he tilted his head and turned to Rey as she offered him the sabres. They were, after all, his to do with as he wished. </p><p>"You might want to hold your breath." Ben murmured as he took the rucksack. Death was not pretty, it was not elegant and no matter how much may have been loved, decay was still a thing. Too many years had passed, within the crypt was nothing but bones. But the smell still lingered. The smell of death always lingered, thick and pungent.  The idea that a sand rat would not be accustomed to the smell of sight of death, and might be sickened by it was near laughable. Rey knew not to voice such things though, now was not the time. </p><p>Setting the sabres down upon the chest of the skeleton within, Ben murmured something akin to a prayer and once again sealed off the lid of Padmes final resting place. The sabres would be safe here, and for the first time, she would be with her children. It was poetic in a morbidly sick sense. It felt oddly beautiful, to return the only tokens they had of her children. It brought a sense of peace.</p><p>And yet… there was another presence calling out to him. Anakin’s sabre was close. He knew it. His hands roamed around the large cement squares that made up the walls until he found one that didn't quite fit. "Give me a hand with this." Ben urged, digging his fingertips into it. Trying to find purchase but failing. Rey’s thinner fingers slipped more easily between the mortar and she pulled it away with her nails until she could pull it loose. Taking it out of the wall, she rested it on the floor. It was ironic really, such a small stone, but one that had hidden and housed a very special object for many, many moons. Ben's hand trembled involuntarily as he gingerly reached inside and pulled the leather skinned bundle free. The Force hummed in the air around them and he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt. "This is it, Anakin's sabre." </p><p>Slowly, carefully he set it on the floor and unwrapped the leather. He stared at it for a long before finally finding the courage to touch it. The crystals within the sabre bonded to him, and with a gasp a flash of memories, painful ones washed over him. But they were mixed with loving memories too. Anakin had loved Padme. Vader had left the sabre here, so she could be with him, Anakin. And it allowed him to let the boy die and take his place as Darth Vader. A monster.</p><p>Ben looked up at Rey and his fingers wrapped around the hilt of the sabre. "Now I'm not unarmed."</p><p>She could sense the Force had touched him somehow, maybe like when she had found the lightsaber on Takodana. Something about it changed him, the way hers had done, only a couple years ago. Her hand extended out to him and he took it without hesitation. It felt strange to have him knelt at her feet like this, especially in her funeral garb. But more than any of that, she wanted to hold him right now, the warmth in his eyes, it warmed her heart. </p><p>"Come on. Let's leave her in peace,” he murmured hoarsely. </p><p>Something about the way Ben moved when he stood made the heat in Rey’s cheeks rise. The confidence, she could feel it and shared in it as they walked out of the mausoleum. Of course she wanted to ask, but it seemed like the thing he would share when he was ready, and she didn’t need to rush that. Force knew how well it had worked for her when he had rushed her after her vision…</p><p>It was late in the afternoon by the time the duo had finished their exploration, and Ben was still trying to make sense of all he’d seen and felt in this strange, strange day. They had agreed he would cook dinner while she cleaned some of the bedding. Reconvening outside, outlooking over the lake a quiet meal was shared. Then, Ben was ready to talk.</p><p>"What you showed me earlier. You did hear Anakain. He told you to restore the balance. But restoration is not the end of the story. I know what we must do. The balance must always be maintained. Light and dark, we are the keepers of it now. We must keep the balance.” The visions, the memories that he’d seen when he touched the former Padawan’s sabre had not been an easy one to watch, a hard lesson learned through the eyes of his grandparents. It had been a series of events and mistakes that they could not afford to follow in the footsteps of. Rising to his feet he took a few steps away from the table and looking out over the lake held his hand out. Anakin’s sabre which until now had sat innocently on the table leapt forward and he caught it fluidly. In one motion with a strange grace that shouldn't be possible of his stature, Ben was poised in a fighting stance and the sabre ignited. Where it had once been blue it was now a pale grey. Almost colourless. Neutral. </p><p>"We must walk in harmony with the light and the dark."</p><p>As he spoke, something he had said to Rey in the tavern came back to her. <em> The balance needs to be within us. A new way. Together. </em> This was his new purpose. Rising to stand with him, her fingers ghosted over the hilt with the Force. She looked up, eyes full of surprise. She would have never guessed it possible. The crystals had reacted to him - had <em> changed </em> for him.</p><p>“Together,” Rey assured. </p><p>"Together," he agreed.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Having kept to his promise, reading lessons began the next day after breakfast. Rey was back in her usual tunics and breeches, practically vibrating with excitement while Ben was quiet, debating on how best to </span>
  <em>
    <span>teach</span>
  </em>
  <span> someone as headstrong as Rey. He had found clothing within the estate, likely they had once been Anakin’s. Darker colours, as was his preferences, all different shades of grey. “So I know some of these letters,” Rey said, thumbing through an alphabet book, looking up at Ben who mirrored her cross legged position on the floor. “But I don’t recognize any words.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Go through the book and point out what letters you know. Then we can work on the ones you don't. After you know the letters, you learn the 'sounds' for example 'A' has an 'ah' sound." He suggested. Teaching combat was one thing, teaching literacy was foreign. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do they need sounds?” she asked, looking up from the book once more. “A is A, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taking a moment, Ben had to remind himself that she had quite literally had no education. Rolling his eyes was not going to help the situation. "They need sounds because that's how you make words. The word alliance, we don't say </span>
  <em>
    <span>a-lliance</span>
  </em>
  <span> it's </span>
  <em>
    <span>ah-lie-ance</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Does that make sense?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey chewed on that information, looking down at the book. Ostensibly it was an alphabet book, but she didn’t see an F and she had worked that one out on sound before. “Does this title say ‘alphabet’?” she asked slowly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was near impossible not to groan. This was going to be harder than he thought. "Yes. But I'm pretty sure you only know that because you're guessing what it spells on prior knowledge and common sense rather than sounding out the word. But that's where it gets tricky because two letters together make different sounds too." Truly, Ben didn't know if he had the patience for this, but he had made her a promise and he wouldn't back out now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” Rey agreed, looking at it again. “I know ‘F’, and there’s none here. So it’s because they combined letters?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben smiled. She was a quick study at least. "Why am I not surprised you know the sounds of 'F'. But yes, the P and the H also make that sound."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey looked at the title again, scrunching up her nose. “That is going to be annoying.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She opened it and started marking out the letters she knew — it was more than she thought but still fewer than all of them, and therefore a disappointment. Still, Ben was patient as he went through the ones she didn’t know. By lunch she could do the alphabet on sight and was working on the sounds. If it were not for her stomach growling, she wouldn’t have stopped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As they walked back to the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Falcon</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Rey found she couldn’t stop smiling. It was the first time she’d felt properly accomplished at anything in a long time. The Force was an instinct, but there was something different about earning the knowledge. “Thank you again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The gratitude took Ben off guard, the constant niceties and thanks were all foreign and in his opinion, misguided. He'd done awful things in the past, some to her and this was just a small and simple kindness he could offer Rey in return for never giving up on him. "Let's make a deal.” He suggested suddenly. “You don't get to thank me again until you can read one of the small books front to back with no mistakes." Smiling as he walked up the entry ramp he rolled his shoulders slightly to release the tensions of having been hunched over the texts all day. The Jedi texts were full of information and it was more than enough that even he had been ready for a break. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We could make a routine of it.” Rey bubbled brightly at that sentiment, listening eagerly as he continued. “Book studies in the morning, learning control of the Force in the afternoon. But if we </span>
  <em>
    <span>are</span>
  </em>
  <span> going to call this place home we might need to put a hold on it all until we've cleaned the place up." Never did he think he was going to want to stay in one place but there was something about Varykino, something that felt like home. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite the clarity Ben felt, Rey only felt dread at the impending work ahead. She grabbed a shuura, biting into it while pulling an unhappy face. “Can we use the Force to clean it?” She asked, mouth full.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben raised an eyebrow as he pulled apart a bread roll and stuffed some meat into it. "So the Master of the Soap doesn't want to do chores? Even if it’s a good way to learn control?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Master of the soap has never taken on a building the size of several small villages,” she retorted. “That thing’s a beautiful monstrosity.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Perhaps we just focus on the few areas we use a lot, and then try and find a steady stream of credits...that way we can employ people to be caretakers.” It was an epiphany that seemed to slap him in the face. “Or buy a droid or two to do it. I just figured you might want to offer a home to a few from Jakku that you're soon to liberate. Not slaves, staff. Paid. And the bonus? They get a lavish roof of their heads."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey’s jaw kept working after she had swallowed. It didn’t sit well with her, and she had to press down something snide about how slaves were more than just cleaners. Because, she realized, the other thing that irritated her, was that he was right. And part of her just didn’t want him to be. But they did need some place for people to go after they freed them, which led to her equally brilliant idea. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I like the idea of bringing people here,” she began slowly. “We could teach people new trades, valuable ones they could use out there. We could keep children safe, get them medical care.” Her eyes were drifting to where the mansion was. “It could be a halfway home for free slaves.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sharing had never been his strong suit, but times were changing and he needed to change with them. "There's more than enough room.” He mused aloud as if trying to convince himself of such a fact. “If they choose to stay, it will be their home too. If they choose to leave once they've found a new place in life then that's also fine too."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey looked up at him, nodding. “I like that idea.” She smiled, feeling a little proud of how little it took to tell him that now. “I like that idea a lot. Now we just have to work out money…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben smirked mischievously. "That part is simple. We steal from the rich and give to the poor." A simple concept but not always easy in practice. And something he had stolen from one of the old books in the library. It caused her face to light up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span> that idea.” Rey beamed. Who would have thought one day she would agree to plans made by him? She took another bite of her fruit. It already felt like a lifetime ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Good. It's kind of ironic right?” A fit of maniacal giggles overcame him. “Ben Solo, son of Han Solo the greatest smuggler to have lived. Well, by his own standards anyways, is now going to steal from the rich. Almost poetic.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think if there’s one thing we’ve learnt this week,” Rey started, getting up to grab some bread and cheese, “it’s that we are definitely not our family.” Leaning against the counter, she mushed her food together. “At least, I hope there’s no family resemblance in mine,” she joked, exaggerating a shudder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Indeed." Ben agreed. "Because it would make having sex with you really weird and disgusting if you were as wrinkly and corpse looking as your grandfather." It was a low blow, but very accurate of his dry and sometimes twisted humour. He too shuddered as he made another bread roll full of condiments for himself and began to literally stuff it into his face. Manners, like subtlety, were not exactly his strong suits.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Funny,” she said impassively, looking at Ben sideways with a tart expression on her face.  “I personally thought he looked like a ball bag.” Her words were met with an uncomfortable groan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Please tell me you don't think of </span>
  <em>
    <span>Palpatine</span>
  </em>
  <span> when you're fondling my balls." Ben begged with an ashen face looking every bit like he was going to be sick.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know, I don’t think I have yet. Fondled them, I mean.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Well, technically...</span>
  </em>
  <span> “Outside of kicks — do those count?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A flinch was followed quickly by a grimace as his voice rose an octave or two. "Those definitely </span>
  <b>do not</b>
  <span> count." Clearing his throat, he recovered smoothly, eyebrows raised suggestively. "You know we could change that..."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Biting her lip, Rey used her hip to push herself off the counter, leaving her food behind. Coming to stand under Ben, her hands going to his waistband. “Are you sure you trust me?” A long finger crooked under her chin, as he tilted it up, a look of mirth on his face. "No. And yet I do. In every way." She had fought at his side even when they were enemies. She had always put her faith in him and he trusted that what he saw was what he got with her. "I only waver in that trust when you are around my genitals."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His answer melted something in her, the pretense of the joke dying. Rising onto her toes, eyes fixed on his, she breathed over his lips. “Wise man.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben's lips curled into a smirk once more as he leaned down to meet Rey halfway, the only drawback of their height difference, he found himself hunching a lot to meet her. As they kissed, Rey found herself wondering why they ever bothered to do anything else. Especially not when they could be doing this, always, over and over. Her fingertips slowly followed the waistband around his sides, to meet in the back and brush just her fingernails on his spine. Using him as an anchor, she pulled herself towards him, rocking him back into the bulkhead with her impact. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben's arms shout outward, bracing himself against the impact as his back rammed into the bulkhead while his lips found Rey's. Hungry. Wanting more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even as the thought hit her, she still couldn’t believe she was thinking it, much let alone committing to it. It was something she had never done for a man. But well, she really had </span>
  <em>
    <span>tried </span>
  </em>
  <span>to maim him. They were more intimate than she had ever been on so many different levels. Her hands began plucking at the front of his breeches, working to open them and push them down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I owe them an apology,” she told him, hoping it sounded as smooth as she thought. Unfortunately it was not smooth. No. A little anxious, yes. But Ben didn't care, he understood what Rey was trying to do, just as he had done while drunk. He had wanted to make it good, special, repay her somehow. "They think you do too." He encouraged quietly, not trusting his voice to speak any more than in hushed tones for fear of the neediness sounding aloud. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Keeping her eyes fixed on his, she slowly dropped to her knees. His clothes were still in the way and she took advantage. Sliding her hands up and around his legs, she bit into the muscle of his inner thigh, not too close. She wanted to drag it out for him. The way she always fantasized someone doing for her. Her head turned, her eyes flicking up again as she nipped higher on the other thigh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben watched Rey intently. Selfishly perhaps, more than willing to sit back and let Rey do as she pleased. A spike of fear shuddered through him as she bit into his leg, forced to remind himself that though she was many things, Rey was not a sadist. Letting his head loll backwards there was no fear this time as the second nip came and only a groan sounded. Despite not yet being touched, his cock was already twitching to life, bugling beneath his breeches. The groan was all the encouragement that Rey needed, nipping and nosing her way towards his bulge as her fingers spidered up and down the outside of his thighs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she was just beneath where she imagined his sac was, she leaned forward, taking all his clothes down in one go so that she could plant a kiss just there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben grabbed on to the bulk heads beneath him, anchor his hands to avoid grabbing at her hair and forcing Rey. There would be time for that yet. But not now. "You're going to be the death of me. You know that?" He breathed, voice husky as the cool air on his now bare flesh contrasted with the warmth of her lips as she offered the quick kiss right where she'd meant to. "You're a damned tease."</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>A tease? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Rey had never been considered such a thing, nor had anyone ever called her it. She was having the time of her life.  A little shuffle on her knees and her face was just under his cock.  As if assessing him, she looked up at him up and down, and then down and outwards. “I think you like it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Affirmative." Ben turned his gaze downwards again. "And I'd say you'd like it too." His cock was yearning for her touch, and having her there, pausing, just inches away was driving him crazy. It took all of his self control to not just grab her and ram his cock into her mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Coming up off her heels, Rey ducked up to his side, where thigh joined hip, nipping along the groove. Her hands came back to his thighs, the pads of her fingers dragging over the corded muscle. There was some sick, filthy part of her that had wanted to do this for longer than she could ever admit. A part that had wondered about his body and if she would ever touch it the way she wanted. See it and use it and </span>
  <em>
    <span>play</span>
  </em>
  <span> with it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Play, was one word for it. Torture was another. Torture was how Ben would have described it. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Kriff. She's going to make me beg.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He thought sullenly to himself. The tension, the need, all of her ministrations, focused everywhere but on his cock were driving him into a frenzy. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No.</span>
  </em>
  <span> He thought stubbornly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I won't give her that satisfaction.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Another involuntary moan passed his lips as his body fell heavily back against the bulkhead. How could it be? The great Kylo Ren had been brought to helplessness all because of fluttering, teasing touches? He was also slightly afraid to move. Her teeth were dangerously close to all things sensitive and painful. Unbidden, Ben’s hips thrust forward of their own accord, finding nothing but air. And that was right where Rey </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted</span>
  </em>
  <span> him. At her mercy, all to herself. Going to her tunic, she took it and her breast band off. It was purely for him visually.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Coming up again, she trailed first her face, then her neck, and finally her chest over his groin, her head stopping at his navel. Her hands wandered up, feeling over his chest and ribs. She couldn’t help but grip him, looking up at him with all her naked desperation. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Selfish.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Perhaps it was selfish of Rey, but in the moment, Ben would not voice a complaint. His skin felt alive, a heat flushing through his body. He would have never known she hadn't done this before. As far as he was concerned, Rey was an expert. Another heady breath was let out, appreciating the sight below him. A selfish thought echoed in his own mind. Rey was knelt at his feet, bare chested and pleasuring him. She might have had all the power right now, he might have been at her mercy and yet he had longed for this. It made him feel powerful to have her nestled between his thighs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Rey." Ben breathed, unable to reach more than her bare back, his fingers kneading at her own flesh. She couldn’t explain what hearing her name on his lips made her feel, or why, other than that she felt </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted.</span>
  </em>
  <span> It released the tension in her shoulders, tensions she hadn’t even know she was carrying. Kissing her way down from his waist, she licked her lips and looked back up to his face, studying his reaction as she dragged her tongue up the underside of his cock.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Finally.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>He rested his head back, eyes closing as he exhaled heavily. This was the touch he had wanted, but he craved more. Turning his head down, it was indeed a sight to behold. His cock now fully erect and standing out from his body, Rey’s tongue lapping at it, and if he followed the jawline down to her neck, he soon got an eyeful of her breasts. "You're killing me Rey."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still watching him, Rey adapted what she knew worked for women, flattening her tongue under the head as she took it in her mouth. He tasted like sweat and salt, her tongue swirling steadily underneath as she brought her hands up to hold him by the root. Remembering how much difference suction made, she hollowed her cheeks out as she started bobbing over the head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes!" Ben groaned, his knees releasing a little tension as his hands came to rest in her hair. "Yes, Rey. Yes." Stars, it felt so good. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A metallic noise seemed to catch his attention and his hand shot out to the side to allow his fingers to slight with his new sabre. A careful arc deflected the blaster shot that was aimed squarely for his groin and Rey's head. The loud <em>'pew'</em> followed by the hum of the sabre the only noise made. Breathing heavy, literally caught with his pants down and in a less than ideal predicament, Ben's eyes narrowed. Rage flowing through him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fighting with your pants down had always been a figure of speech. Here it was a reality. Eyes narrowed at the intruder, a gun metal grey droid, large and old, the man wasn't quite sure what to make of it. What in the hell was an old KX security droid doing here?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey had not been so attuned to the danger and the hiss of his sabre and flash of anger through the bond had sent her scrambling back in horror. To be caught doing </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> of all things! Reaching for her quarterstaff she rose to stand beside Ben, bare-chested. At least between the pair of them they were fully clothed, he with a shirt on and she with pants on. Ben prayed he wouldn’t  have to move too much or his pants by his ankles was going to cause some serious problems.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You are intruding. I must destroy you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Well at least the explanation seemed simple enough. Even if it was entirely wrong. The droid was on </span>
  <em>
    <span>their</span>
  </em>
  <span> ship. "We're intruding?" Ben snorted incredulously. "You walk in on us having sex and we are intruding?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Master Skywalker programmed me to ensure no one without authorisation came to Varykino. I've watched you, you showed no signs of leaving. You have plans to stay. I must therefore terminate you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s the Skywalker heir,” Rey said slowly, hoping it was the right thing to say. Ben sighed and looked at Rey momentarily before nodding. He had hoped to keep his lineage hidden from all but those that mattered. All good plans were quickly unravelling.  "I am Anakin's grandson. I belong here."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The droid seemed to have no answer to that and stood still, confused, as if it were short circuiting trying to process such information. Looking between the girl, the man and back to the girl again before dropping he finally lowered the blaster. "Well this is awkward. I suggest you clothe yourself appropriately so that we may talk."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey let out a bark of laughter, an involuntary release of the tension. “Thank you,” she said, turning to her band and tunic. “What’s your name?” Ben was less comfortable than Rey and fumbled with his breeches before securing his belt once more. Shifting uneasily at the restriction against his needy cock. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I am K2AH. Master Skywalker used to call me Kah." The droid replied simply. "I have been in standby mode for some time."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m Rey and this is Ben.” Rey explained, pulling her tunic over her head and turning back to them. Frowning, she asked, “When was the last time you were activated?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kah paused running his diagnostics but only found error messages. "My system has been damaged with time. But logic suggests if he is the grandson of Master Skywalker then it's been at least four to five decades. Perhaps more." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Anakin would have shut him down to standby mode when he last visited Padme." Ben grumbled. "You really have the worst timing." He contemplated simply destroying the old hunk of metal out of spite and a severe case of blue balls. But decided against it. With some adjustments the droid could indeed come in handy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey nodded — she had assumed all that. What she really wanted to know was: “Do you have any recordings? Any footage? From before?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben tilted his head. Not entirely sure why Rey wanted to know such things. Or see them? Did she want to feel closer to their past? "Do you?" He pressed as Kah seemed to hesitate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes. Many. Surveillance is one of my core components. But I will need a recharge before I can show you." Ben quirked a brow. "Well this day isn't turning out how I expected." He leaned in to Rey's ear. "And I am going to get payback for that game.. Two can play at it." His words were dangerous and full of dirty promise. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey shivered next to him, trying to ignore her own situation. Now that danger had passed she was very aware of how wet she was, and it was taking more than a little willpower not to rub her thighs together. “I really cannot wait, but in the meantime,” she whispered back out of the corner of her mouth. “Now what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We could always just power it down for good?" Ben sighed, rubbing at his temples. "Or readjust a few things to make it more suitable to what we need? After all if we're having this as a halfway house some added security is not a bad idea."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anakin programmed him, you’re not interested in what he knows? What he’s seen?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had a point, and with his lips pursed at such, Ben conceded with a sigh. "Yes and no. I'm not sure whether I want to now. But maybe in time."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey turned back to the droid. “Thank you, Kah. Could you go recharge, for later?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once more Kah looked between the pair and finally nodded. "Affirmative. However please dress in more appropriate attire." He turned to walk out. "It comes in cold overnight here. Not appropriate for naked human flesh."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben groaned. "Of course the droid has a twisted sense of humor."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey was biting back giggles as the droid left, even if her embarrassment didn’t mean anything to her anymore, causing Ben to grumble. He didn’t see the funny side in any of this. He was left without released and now had an entirely new problem on his hands. He felt a tension headache emerging.  With no pomp or circumstance Rey turned back into him, pulling him down for another kiss.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her hands were already taking his shirt off, kissing his chest and shoulders. Interruptions didn’t mean much when they were gone. “That droid doesn’t know bantha shit,” she muttered against his skin. “You should </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> wear clothes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'll be wearing clothes all the damned time if that droid just keeps popping up." Ben grimaced, though his body was already relaxing under Rey's finger tips. The moment that had been shattered was quickly already playing in his mind and his arms closed around Rey, pulling her close to him. Close enough that she would feel his hardness pressing against her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey had some silly retort on the tip of her tongue, but she lost it as he pressed her to him. She found herself rolling against him, trying to use her whole body to tell him how badly she needed him. Gasping up she went for his mouth again, pulling him down by the neck in her passion.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His hand crept between her thighs. In another time he would have gladly tortured her as she had him but had been left wanting and needing all of her, yesterday. He didn't even care about getting fully naked now; partly because he was scared of being walked in on again. He closed his eyes as Rey clung to him, kissing him and reached out with the force to shut the entry ramp. He couldn't get unclothed fast enough so he ripped his own belt off, pants undone and pulled Rey's breeches down before his hands went under her backside and he lifted her up, bracing himself back against the bulkhead. This time he didn't wait, didn't ask for readiness with his body. He took.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey squealed as he picked her up, but she didn’t have time to feel embarrassed by it before her head was thrown back in another cry. Instinctively she wrapped her legs around him, holding herself tight to him as she bounced.</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Yes!" The exclamation sounded as he thrust deeply. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I swear —” she gasped between pants, thinking of the possible fall, “— if you pass out this time, I will kill you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lowering his head down to nibble at the flesh of Rey's neck, Ben grazed his teeth over it before nipping her. A threat, a promise of more if she continued to tease him.  "Won't. Happen." He assured with a deep thrust to accentuate each word. "I'm not drunk or recovering now."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The thrusts had her arching into him, keening louder than she was used to because </span>
  <em>
    <span>stars</span>
  </em>
  <span>, he was strong. Her mouth found his neck, nipping at his ear and sucking at his throat for too long — he’d have a mark. Seeing it made her hips try to push harder, as she licked over the spot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Widening his stance for greater balance, Ben braced himself heavily against the bulkhead, his hands still clutching her ass, guiding his thrusts and supporting her. His fingers gripped her tightly, and as he braced himself he learnt back enough to have Rey's breasts in his face. Now wishing he'd have gotten rid of more or her clothing. Instead he settled for nuzzling them through their clothes. He'd been marked, he knew it from the feel but he didn't care and smothered his moans in her clothes. "You're mine." He grunted, rising up, gaze fierce and demanding. "Always."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey blazed at his words, under his attention. Her legs tightened around his waist as her hands clawed at his hair, all to push back harder against his strength. “Yours,” she growled back. She didn’t even fight back with a </span>
  <em>
    <span>mine</span>
  </em>
  <span>, for once it wasn’t a contest. “Always.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pure, raw lust and need. It was quick, it was fast and it was rough. Though Ben was still careful not to hurt Rey, gauging her responses and keening and knowing he was hitting all the right buttons. His pace increased, the unpredictable rhythm falling into a rhythmic and fluid motion as his lips claimed hers. His teeth nibbled at her bottom lip in between kisses.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something possessive had ignited in Rey, making her writhe in his grip. This amount of control she was in, stuck between some and none, was driving her crazy. She couldn’t work her hips or set a pace or get the friction. But the things he could do with his mouth. She was letting him take all her pants and moans, that felt too good not to give into. Between pants, she managed, “I want to ride you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Control was a sore point with him, but Ben was suddenly intrigued by the idea. The visuals alone would be worth it. Carefully, he slid down the bulkhead, one arm shifting to hold Rey's weight while the other guided them to the floor. "So ride me then."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now that she didn’t have to worry about balance, Rey ripped her tunic off. All that attention he had lavished earlier, she wanted it on her bare chest. With the band gone, she was naked on his half-clothed form, and if she were keeping score, that would be a problem. But this was so much better than that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And now he could see the work she was doing — she had no idea how addicted she was to his desire reflecting in his eyes. Her hips began rolls that bounced her small breasts and drove him deeper against that spot inside her, grinding up and down his cock. Her hands coming to hold his face, to kiss him her thanks. “Yours.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His hands trailed the lines of her bare flesh from neck to hip, purposely avoiding her breasts for now. She might have control of the rhythm and pace but he was not going to just be along for the ride. There were still ways he could get at her. Make her wild. But as she began rolling her hips, the angles pressing him deeper, with her tight muscles clenching around him he gasped and his hands raked at her back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leaning up to meet her lips, the simple word urging him on, Ben grunted, animalistic. He had no words now and broke the kiss, lips dragging down her neck as his hands kneaded at her breasts. He took the left one in his mouth, flicking it with his tongue and unexpectedly nipped at it before sucking it into his mouth. Rey gripped his hair, pushing him back into the bulkhead as she rode him harder. This time there was no need for the Force to meet them in the center, they were already there. That this could exist without them tugging on the Force, without wrapping themselves up inside their signatures, was incredible, and it pulled at something deep in Rey that was ready to snap.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taking one of his hands, she put it between them, bucking against it. She wanted him to pull and twist her orgasm out of her. It was so close and he was bringing things out of her she had never known existed. Ben felt her sliding up and down over his slick cock and he began to flick and thrum at her clit. His other hand dropped to her backside as he tickled at her backside, light touches which alternated in time with his gentle bites of her nipples. His cock twitched inside of her, Ben was struggling to control it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In a reversal, that showed his vulnerability beneath her, uttered the one thing that came to mind. "Yours."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Touches and kisses and anything like these were so foreign to Rey. The dedication, the concentration. How he could do so much with so little. Never had she thought she would want a person near that side of her, but coupled with the bites at her nipples and she was done.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A mangled whine drowned in her throat as she felt it start. ”Mine,” her mouth echoed, as her hand came up to slam on the bulkhead, the other pressing his chest. “Mine!” As she clenched at him desperately, trying to keep his cock in her forever. </span>
  <em>
    <span>”Mine!”</span>
  </em>
  <span> As she felt it all let go, shattering through her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben felt Rey tighten around him, like a spring, coiled and ready to go off. Her muscles clenched around him and he came undone. His eyes were on Rey as her hand on his chest pushed him down to the ground and seeing her orgasm on top of him was the last straw. "Yours!" He agreed as he reached for Rey's hips and held her down on him, driving his hips upwards with his own moans of pleasure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey was boneless. Completely and utterly boneless. She’d never come like that, besides when they were drifting in the Force. It shouldn’t be possible to be fucked into a liquid state, and yet, laying there, resting on him, it’s exactly what she felt like. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was content to lie there, and ride the haze out lazily with Rey still on top of him. Mindlessly he traced circles over her back, listening as both his and her own breathing evened out. The little circles were keeping her present, making her eyes flutter open occasionally. She felt a million things all at once, and this one time, they were all good. She could listen to his heart beat forever. A silly half-smile came over her face, imagining the rest of her life sprawled out here, as if glued on top of him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When she was sure she could talk, she said the only thing she could think of. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben chuckled. His fingers curled amongst her hair, tousseling it as he did so. "Safe to say I've never been thanked for sex before." His limbs felt lethargic but the longer he lay with her the more normal he began to feel, recovering quickly. "But we're never going to get anything done if this is all we do. Not that I'm complaining." And he wasn't. That had been intense, never before had his release been so powerful and it was in an entirely unique way to when they had drifted on the tides with the Force.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His last comment had her sitting her chin up on his chest, a little exasperated grin on her face. “You know it’s only been twice, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A sly smirk spread across Ben's lips as he tilted his head to get a better look at Rey. "I know. But I'm just saying what we're both thinking. That it would be great if we could just be like this, together all the time. It just wouldn't be very productive."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey gave out a snorty sort of giggle, her head rolling off her chin to the side. “Who’s to say the other Dyads in the past were productive?” </span>
  <em>
    <span>Wait, trust him to know the answer...</span>
  </em>
  <span> “And if they were,” she added, eyebrow cocking, “then we already said we wanted to try something new.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You can't be the saviour and liberator of the downtrodden if you're always in bed. Some might even call it lazy."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Moving her legs and arms up so she was half-sitting, Rey shoved his face back mostly playfully. “It’s been two years, I’m </span>
  <em>
    <span>allowed.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Letting his head fall back dramatically Ben laughed a little louder. "Well that is a long time. Huh." He was walking on dangerous territory. "I just assumed you and Finn would have been you know more than just friends."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey gave him an unimpressed look. “You really don’t know him.” And she was going to neatly sidestep that whole conversation. “No, last time was Beemie. Great with her hands, bad with her mouth.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That got his attention. "Her hands? Her mouth?" Now that was a side of Rey he hadn't guessed or even assumed. He supposed the more he thought about it though it made sense. Not in a bad way, but she was on Jakku. Sex was either for favours, protection or simply to get a bit of self gratification. "So does this open the doors up to a threesome?" He truly was his father's son.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now both of her eyebrows were in her hairline. “So far, you are split even on times you’ve passed out after sex. Prove you can handle me, first.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben's eyes darkened and he promptly closed his arms around Rey, holding her tight as he rolled to pin her beneath him. Trapped under him, Rey had a breathless moment to wonder what sex could be like without control.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You practically drugged me and I was still recovering from bringing you back from death. It doesn't count." He lingered above her, moving as if to kiss her one last time but pulling away at the last moment. Rolling to his feet he stood over her. "I can handle you. And you know it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Peering up at him, she stuck to their honesty rule. “Yes, I do. Which is why I will never be sharing you.” The possessiveness stirred something in Ben and he nodded, doing up his belt once more. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He needed to freshen up, and the lake seemed the perfect way to do so. The water was cold but it would feel good. At least, it would wake him up a bit, bring him back to his senses. "Shame really. It might be fun." He teased as he held out a hand to help Rey up</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taking advantage of his grip, Rey helped herself stand up into his arms. “Doubt it. Would you let another man near me?” She smiled, planting a kiss on his nose, fully expecting a very emphatic no.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Never." The word sounded more like a growl. "And if they tried, I'd kill them." It was clear Ben meant that. A spoilt petulant child maybe, but he had found one person who truly cared for him. One person who had never given up on him. One person who he cherished and would never share. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey reached out, grabbing him, kissing him as she wrapped her arms around him. Because she knew he could make good on it, he would, for her. It felt right and easy for his arms to close around Rey in kind, caring and warm. If he could protect her, shelter her from harm then he would have fulfilled his purpose. "Alright, alright, no threesomes. I understand." He chuckled lightly trying to ease the seriousness that had fallen over them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She hadn’t realized how long she had been looking for safety. Life just felt easy for once. It made her happy, it made her terrified.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you’ve never been with a man, then?” Rey was fairly certain she knew the answer, but then, he had probably thought he knew all her proclivities too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Debating for a moment whether he wanted to answer truthfully or not, Ben gave in with a sigh. He never lied. And to Rey, he never wanted to. A sly smile crept on his lips as he thumbed his nose. But finally he gave in with a shrug. "Have I had sex with a man? No. Have I had a man suck my dick? Yes." Would he ever desire a man? No. But it had been a power play and a means to get some self gratification. And with his eyes closed the result was still the same.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey’s eyes went wide. “Was it Hux?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A look of utter disgust crossed his face. "Kriff no. I'd rather roll in bantha shit. It was some Stormtrooper."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shrugging, Rey stepped into her bunk, pulling out her cleansing pads. “I always thought maybe he leaned that way; Hux I mean.”</span>
  <span></span><br/>
<span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“He probably did.” Ben shrugged. “But I guess we’ll never know for certain.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As she did a quick once-over, she told him, “Women were safer on Jakku. I only fucked people I could take in a fight.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I'm going for a swim in the lake.” Ben offered, reaching for a towel. “Feel free to join me. As much as those things are useful, I hate using them." He pointed at the cleansing pads before making for the entrance ramp.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey watched him go, eyes wide. She hadn’t thought — hadn’t considered the large body of water for such a chore. Pulling on her tunic, which covered just to her thighs, she took a towel and followed behind him, humming with her nervous anticipation.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Content warnings below.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The stroll to the lake was short and pleasant. Ben knew that Rey was following behind from the sound of her footfalls and the signature of the bond humming behind. As he reached the wooden platform that stretched out a handful of metres into the lake he paused, sucking in a deep breath. Unashamed and without any ceremony, he tore his clothes off and dived right into the cold but rejuvenating waters. Rey watched the graceful arc of his body as he entered the lake, the white of his skin standing out even more than normal against the dark water. It was a beautiful view. Dropping the towel, she edged towards the water nervously and sat down close enough to dip just her toes in, trying to think of it as one big bath. <em> It's just a very big bath thing of pitch black water</em>. She was taking down her hair absently. <em> Same principle, just stay standing</em>.</p><p>Surfacing, Ben wiped his wet mop of hair back from his face and watched Rey with bemusement. It quickly turned to embarrassment though. <em> Idiot</em>. He chided himself. <em> She's probably never seen bodies of water like this, much let alone learnt how to swim. </em> The water was deep, even at the edge of the floating wooden deck. Slowly he swam back and propped himself up against the wood. "It's safe. I promise. Just hold on to me."</p><p>Rey shucked her tunic, grateful he had come back. “How do I stay up?” she asked, slowly while clinging to the wood as she lowered herself into the water, looking at him in fear and excitement as she felt it swallowing her up.</p><p>"It's called treading water. Hold on to the wood and I'll show you." Teaching someone how to read, even how to use the force was one thing but swimming was another. This involved fear, and possible death if he got it wrong, neither consequence was ideal. Pushing away so he had nothing to hold onto, Ben cycled his legs up and down and his hands waved back and forth through the water at his side. "But let's start with something easier. Do you trust me?" He waited for her acknowledgement before his hands alighted with her waist "Let go and just lean back. Relax. I've got you. All you're doing is going to float on your back."</p><p>Scrunching up her face, Rey let her back go down as her legs naturally floated up. The chilly water on her back brought goosebumps up over her skin and she shivered in his warm arms. Her eyes opened, finding him in wonderment as she felt the water reach her hair. Somewhere in the past few days she had come to trust him implicitly. Like no one she had ever known. </p><p>Her expression changed to anticipation as she bit into a smile breaking across her face — the water had come up to her neck. Soon her face would be in it too. She trusted him and her own body not to flail as the water came up around her ears, just around the edges of her face. It should have brought fear, but...Rey’s breath caught, eyes going to his in awe. She could hear the world under the water, murky and deep. Even Ben’s movements, the lap of the water, the swirl of her hair, it all had different sounds. It was as mysterious and fascinating as space. This was nothing like a bath, it was so much better. </p><p>Connecting with life and the Force was always an experience but the strange world of the underside was not one she would have ever known. No doubt the widest space of water had been nothing but a deep bath. His hands moved as she did, one remained beneath her, at her waist and the other spread out to support her shoulders. </p><p>"There. See, it's not so bad." Careful to remain close to the decking he spun slowly in the water, moving Rey with him. "Slow and steady. You only get into trouble in the water if you panic."</p><p>Slow and steady? But why? There was a whole new world to explore and now she just wanted to arc her body like he had and try and dive down. There was so much life in the water, the Force was just as present and vivid here as anywhere else. Now she felt foolish to fear it, except when she remembered it was all darkness beneath her.</p><p>The way he drifted with her, carrying her, she closed her eyes and just let the Force in. It was wide and yawning, just like the lake, happy to take her with it. There was a school of fish nearby, but a larger fish was eyeing them carefully, waiting for its moment. The water in her ears made the Force feel like a song. </p><p>Content to drift with her, Ben found his thoughts wandering. All these things, simple things, such as reading, writing, swimming... how many more would he discover? It mattered not; all these things were things Rey should have known, should have been taught, and it should have been by her mother and father. His parents might have abandoned him, given up on him even, but they had still been there when he was little, guiding him, showing him the simplest pleasures in life.</p><p>Taking the hand on her shoulder, she squeezed it tight, opening her eyes again. “I want to learn.” Drawn from his thoughts with the sudden demand, Ben blinked and looked down at Rey. </p><p>"Alright. The list is getting longer, mastery of the Force, reading, and now swimming. But, we really should find a more shallow part of the lake for you to learn in."</p><p>She beamed in excitement, grabbing onto the platform again and pushing her hair back with one hand. “Does this mean I get to thank you again?”</p><p>"I'd be a fool to say no." Ben smirked as he pulled himself up beside her, lingering a moment before getting out of the water all together and wrapping the towel around himself.</p><p>A moment of bravery, and perhaps recklessness, overcame Rey. Before she got out she wanted to try dunking herself just once, so holding her nose and plugging her mouth she let herself go down slowly until the water came up over her head and her hair was wild around her. A giggle escaped, and she came back up immediately, afraid to get water in her lungs. Tugging herself out of the water, she went for the other towel, patting her hair out.</p><p>"Is there anything else I should know that you might decide you want to learn?" Ben asked idly. </p><p>“Well, I’d never tried a blowjob before today,” she admitted.</p><p>"Pity you got interrupted. You're a natural at it." He replied casually.</p><p>Rey was not beyond taking some pride in that. And there was one other thing.</p><p>“Do you know how to dance? The — the nice way, that I saw sometimes.” It was something common for the rebel couples and the others to let off steam around the Resistance bases on quiet nights.</p><p>Shaking his head, Ben did his best not to laugh at the notion of the mighty Kylo Ren dancing. "No." He stated flatly. "I was always told I had two left feet. I just never got the hang of it."</p><p>That surprised her. “But you’re so good when you fight, I thought it was the same thing?”</p><p>"I don't think when I fight. It's all instinct." He explained. "If I try and dance I over think it and end up in a mess. Trust me, no one needs to see that."</p><p>Rey laughed to herself, thinking back to her realizations in the water. “I trust you fine, I just don’t believe <em> no one </em> needs to see it.” The words were wrapped in a joke, like so many of their other little gifts to one another, but the first half of her sentence meant much more than the second half.</p><p>"Suit yourself but it'll just be another chance for me to say I told you so." Looking back at the <em> Falcon</em>, then to the estate he frowned. "We should get dry and dressed or we will catch our deaths out here."</p><p>Picking up her tunic, she shot him a wry smile. “Worried about Kah again?”</p><p>This time he didn't try and hide the roll of his eyes. "Not even a little bit."</p><p>Going up the ramp, she went to her bunk for fresh clothes before heading back to the galley to finish lunch. Clothes in one hand, towel secured with the other, now not trusting of who or what else might be keeping eyes on them; Ben followed suit. It was only when inside the privacy of the <em> Falcon </em>did he dress once more and silently devoured a decent amount of food. Hungry as Rey was, her mind was still buzzing about a new way to experience the Force. Slicing up her fruit, she put it between the bread and cheese to try it all a new way, still thinking.</p><p>"Alright so what's the plan with Kah? I think he could be useful. Even if I don't like him." Ben asked, but only when he’d eaten his fill. </p><p>The question snapped Rey out of her thoughts, making her pause before she caught up.</p><p>“Well, I’d like to see how he was built and programmed.”<em> You could take the girl out of the desert... </em> “I thought you would want to see any surveillance he had, there’s bound to be plenty of information in him.”</p><p>He was still torn as to whether or not he wanted to see the intimate and fierce love his grandparents had shared. He didn't know how or if it would settle his own quandaries to his past. He had always felt connected to both Anakin and Vader alike, perhaps it was morbid curiosity but he gave in all the same. "You make a good point. Though I'm not sure it's all going to be pleasant."</p><p>“We can wait — clearly Kah isn’t going anywhere.” She looked off in the direction of the mansion. “He’s been dormant for years, it’s incredible he’s still working.”</p><p>"From what I was told, Anakin was quite smart with machines." Ben replied with a shrug. "Same as Luke. But you're right, there's time." And there was, whether it be now, or after they'd been to Jakku, or even some time later down the track, the data would still be there.</p><p>“I don’t know what Kah’s got going on inside, but if it was a standard Imperial issue and he was on standby for decades, he’ll probably need the night to recharge? So that’s that.” If she was honest, after the swim in the lake, she was much more interested in Force lessons. “Can we do lessons outside? It’s too nice to be in a spaceship.”</p><p>"Just so long as he doesn't pop up at a less than desirable time again." Ben grumbled as he stood, finishing his last piece of fruit and wiping his hands on his breeches. The question caught him off guard. The woman was eager to learn and he wasn't entirely sure he could keep up with her thirst for knowledge. It was not unlike him as a wide eyed boy, wanting to learn, to understand so he might have a chance at finding balance. Only it was a one sided battle, the Light, his mother, Luke… they had all left him in the dark, in more ways than one. Shrugging he looked to the entrance ramp. "Alright. Outside it is. Take a flask of water with us though. Today will not be a lesson, it will be a judgement. I need to see what you can do and in what direction the training needs to go.”</p><p>Grabbing a flask, her saber, and her staff, she made for the ramp. “How did the Sith and Jedi decide when someone was done training?” </p><p>"The Sith? It's really when you become a supreme leader. As for the Jedi, or at least in the old ways of the Jedi it was when you had passed certain tests. But we're the last of both. And if there is one thing I've learned recently, it's that you never stop learning." Ben too fetched a flask and his sabre. He was anticipating a decent work out from this. He and Rey had fought plenty of times before but this was different. He truly needed to study her, to see how she worked with the Force. She had matched him on Endors moon, move for move and he had a sneaking suspicion he knew why. He just needed clarification. And this would give him that. </p><p>When his boots hit the grass he turned his head towards the small clearing. "Over there. We shouldn't destroy anything if we're careful."</p><p>“If Snoke was <em> the </em> Supreme Leader, then how would you have ever finished training?” Rey queried, genuinely confused as she followed. </p><p>"That's the point. I wouldn't have. I would have always been his apprentice." Ben scrubbed at his face with a hand. Maybe he didn't have the patience for this after all. “There can only ever be two Sith Lords. A Master and his apprentice. When the apprentice deems themselves to be completed is when they kill their Master and take their place as Supreme Leader.” It was an uncomfortable topic. Had he never met Rey he would have stayed an apprentice, just another slave to the forces of Darkness, a pawn as his grandfather had been. Hiding the shame that threatened to seep through the bond he hoped his abrupt explanation would ward off further questions. Rey didn’t press him, though she didn’t understand. If the Kylo side of him wanted everything, then why stay with a master who kept him more or less as a pet…</p><p>With his flask discarded on the floor, Ben stood, arms folded across his chest and his eyes closed. It was a very regal sight to behold. "Fight me," came the simple statement. "I need to see you." And he did, he needed to see how she used the Force, and how much of a toll it had on her. "No holding back."</p><p>Leaving her things on the ground with his, she watched him take his stance. Physically she couldn’t take him without overexerting herself, so she picked up her quarterstaff and circled. She didn’t need to call on the Force, she hadn’t really let go of it since their swim. It simply already was with her. The Force was with Ben. He had come to a point where it always was. It was a part of him, flowing through him, it was <em> him. </em> At times he pulled heavily on it, other times it worked through him. Here was no exception. It painted a delicate picture of vibrations and movements, all the while he could feel birds in the tree line surrounding them, hear the whispers of the wind and the gentle lapping of the lack. </p><p>There clearly could be no element of surprise, so she struck out for his head, feeling the Force shoot through her to whirl the staff at his legs. In reply, his hands unfolded themselves from around his torso and met with a broken branch above his head just in time to deflect Rey's blow to his head. Ben’s left leg moved backwards, widening his stance as he braced for the impact of the swipe to his leg. He'd learnt a long time ago, pain, anger, rage fuelled him. He welcomed the familiar sting. It would leave a nice bruise to say the least Rey hadn’t expected him to bare the brunt of the second hit. </p><p>Keeping a hold of his branch in one hand, his left hand snaked outwards and behind it was an invisible wall of force, a means to push Rey back. His mind was open, and he thought he was close to understanding why and how Rey had learned so quickly. That first night in the forest, she had fought clumsily and each time since then she had grown. They fought the same. And he believed it was due to the dyad. It was why they worked so well as a team, acting in unison and why they were evenly matched, even if he did pull his punches.<br/>
<br/>
There was an itch she had learnt to recognize, one which signalled Ben was about to bend the Force at her. Swinging the wide staff to cut at his left side, her eyes flicked up to his, meeting his right hand with her left, hitting his wall with her own.</p><p>The swipe at his side was met with the branch. But it was a secondary focus it seemed for both of them as a battle of will, strength and stamina seemed to begin. <em> Not what I had expected</em>. Ben thought as Rey matched him. But it did allow for a bit of an experiment, to see just how much energy she lost by using the Force in such a way. His hand held firm, palm outstretched and fingers arched as wide as they would stretch. For now, his face gave nothing away and as he met her eyes a ghost of a smile tugged at the corners of his lips. </p><p>The glancing block Ben offered to Rey’s side hit somehow <em> felt </em> condescending, as if he had already found what he was interested in. He was only concentrating on her Force hand, ignoring her other skills. It clawed her raging sense of self-worth out of her gut. <em> Be the bigger animal</em>.</p><p>Baring her teeth, she glared at her hand, as if that was her focus. Feinting with her staff as though she was going for the same side strike, she pulled the Force up and down at the last second to come down hard on his shoulder.</p><p>Too late. Ben noticed the change in her focus too late. And it cost him. The hit at his shoulder was painful, a weaker opponent would have likely broken a bone. A growled yell was his only response as he recoiled, the pain sending shock waves down his arm. His wall was broken and it was all he could do to dig his heels in to the ground, his left hand palm down and using it to ground himself with the Force to not be overcome by the force that Rey exuded. "Good." The word was a compliment, but sounded more like a snarl. "You're thinking. But, how long can you keep this up for?" Using his branch he lunged forward, several strikes moving rapidly. First her head, then her arms, legs, sides and back to the head. His aim wasn't to hit her, his aim was to disarm and the movements allowed for fluidity, trying to wrap the branch around her staff to dislodge it.</p><p>His speed. His damned speed. She could feel what he was trying to do and it was going to work if she didn’t break his strategy. There was a second where she could have had it, but she spotted it too late and then her quarterstaff was out of her hands. She only missed the last head strike by rolling away, trying to wrap her will around his branch and put up a wall at the same time.</p><p>Reaching out further with the Force, Ben pulled a somewhat dirty trick. His left hand was held up high, a crushing wall bearing down upon Rey. Forced to let go of his branch, as she sensed the wall, both hands straining up against it. But next came an assault on her mind. She had resisted him some years ago when she was his prisoner, when they had first met. But it was the only thing she had needed to focus on at the time. Now Rey needed to focus on combat as well as keeping him out of her mind. The prickle in her mind, his probing attempts to disarm her mentally, it fuelled her. She was fuming. Dropping her focus for a hairsbreadth of a second, Rey felt the crush of air coming at her and it sent her wall back up as she put up her shields, though not without a parting shot: <em> “Bastard.” </em></p><p>The slight smirk was the only sign that Ben had heard Rey's parting shot. He straightened to his full height. "How long do you think you can hold me off for? I can feel it, you're growing fatigued and weak."</p><p>Rey didn’t talk during fights. It was a waste of time and energy. After blows started raining, there was never a good reason to speak in a skirmish. But he was right, she was trapped in the defensive. Her arms and hands were straining, sweat glowing on her chest and face. Even if she tried to make this a purely physical fight now, he would still have the advantage. There was only one play she could think of, and if she failed, she knew she was in for a world of hurt. Turning her glare back at him, Rey snagged another tendril of the Force, aiming it at Ben’s balls as she wrenched her arms away, tucking into a sideways roll back from him. </p><p>He felt the change in the pressure of the Force, her wall seeming to lose a little of its presence and instinctively he knew he was going to get it thrown at him, muscle memory from the many beatings suffered through in his service of Snoke. It was his only saving grace, side stepping in a fluid arc. <em> Not today. </em>Rey had already won too many bouts against him. She could have killed him more times than he wished to count. She was his weakness, never had he tried to kill her, never had he used his full strength; always pulling his punches and now was no different. </p><p>Calling on the familiar rage and anger of Kylo, Ben braced for the impact of the staff against his injured shoulder. It wasn't about trading blows anymore. It was about winning at all costs, proving the point of how powerful focus and determination could be. He never shied away from it. Pain kept him alive, pain kept him pushing forward. Ben, Kylo, the man and the monster both embraced it. Unlike Kylo who was consumed by it, the rage only flowed through Ben, warming his veins and sharpening his focus. </p><p>Calling her staff back to her hand, Rey came back at him again with a strike aimed at the injured shoulder. The sickening sound of bone breaking could be heard as her staff met its mark. Ben had turned his body into impact. There was no flinch, no cry of pain, his uninjured arm coming up to catch his sabre which had been summoned swiftly to his palm while closing the gap between them. At the crack of his shoulder, Rey had stopped playing. Her forward motion towards him gave opening to a side step; circling behind her in one movement, sabre igniting at her throat. "You lose. You’re dead.”</p><p>“Ben — I’m sorry —”  It was unnerving how calm he was. She knew how hard that blow was, she had felt the crunch up <em> through </em> her staff into her hands. “Let me —” </p><p>"Don't." Ben cut Rey off as he pushed her away with a half hearted boot to her backside which made Rey stumble back, gaping at him as he returned his sabre to his belt. The pain would have crippled most, but he had a point to make. “I took that hit so I could defeat you. And it would have been a killing blow. You need to trust that you can fight with one arm, one leg, and fight through the pain." A lesson not of the Force but one of survival. "Because your life may one day depend on it."</p><p>“Ben — stop, this is serious, let me look after your shoulder.”</p><p>"No.” He shook his head. “Rey. I am serious. You died. You need to know how to fight through it all. How to survive at all costs." Something in him had snapped, a wild look to his eyes and a body filled with anger, adrenaline and fear. </p><p>“No.” She was firm, adamant. Her thoughts finally in one solid order: “Heal first, lesson later. Or during. But shut up and let me heal you.”</p><p>Finally, after staring down at Rey hard for what seemed like an age, Ben relented. His dark eyes seemed to clear and he blinked slowly. A small groan sounded as he sat down awkwardly. "Okay." He had no words; acutely aware that he had just had a moment, one he was not proud of. Ben Solo was fractured in body thanks to Rey, but also in mind. Did it make him insane? Unhinged? Maybe. There was still something in him, an open and festering wound in his mind that would take far more than a week to heal. </p><p>She came to kneel behind him, able to see the inflamed break through his shirt. She carefully stayed out of his head as she started healing him. It was a nasty injury, probably worse than it should have been from her first hit. If she was honest, she actually could feel it herself, it was why she had been gritting her teeth earlier.</p><p>He had said not to hold back, and he was right there was a lesson in taking that kind of injury and pain, but hadn’t she already proved she could take a hit if she needed to? Her indignity aside, there was something that had snapped during that fight that she didn’t understand. </p><p>Sweat trickled down her forehead as mended the bone, letting it flow and come together on its own, she didn’t have to tell it — it wanted to be healed. A body wants to be healthy. Healing really was a marvel. "Rey." Ben started softly, trying to call her out of her focus. She was pushing too far, calling forth on too much energy. "Rey. Stop." But she pressed on.</p><p>It wasn’t until she realized she was panting softly that she knew she was dipping too far. <em>“Rey!”</em> The shout surprised her, and whether her own choice, or his demand, she finally stopped. Collapsing on the grass next to him, she wiped her face. “It’s not complete, but it should just be bruising now. I’ll finish it up later.”</p><p>"No you won't." The words were simple, if a little hoarse with the effort of controlling his emotions. He could never lose her, but he was doomed if she kept using too much without knowing her limits. "Not today. You've already pushed too hard." Looking down at his hands he flexed his fingers from fist to open hand and back again. </p><p>"You don't need to be taught to fight, you're good. As good as me. And I think I know why. Our bond, the dyad. My skills have become yours. Your body knows the patterns because it knows mine. It's why we were always an even match." Swallowing thickly dark eyes looked up to capture her gaze. "What you don't know is how to control the way you use it. You don't control the Force, it controls you right now."</p><p>"I lost you once Rey. I can't ever let that happen again."</p><p>Burning thoughts and questions bubbled up in the slow boil of Rey’s mind. Ones that formed on her tongue only to be chased away by her voice, she couldn’t concentrate enough to put the thoughts in words. It was unfair that she felt half asleep. “Why do you fight like that?” she finally managed. “It feels like fighting an open wound.”</p><p>Looking at their discarded flasks of water, Ben pulled them to him. He sat, one knee bent the other leg outstretched with his good arm leaning on his knee. Fondly he looked down upon Rey before taking a long drink to buy time. He didn’t want to answer the question and nodded to the water. "Drink.” He commanded. “And then we're going to go rest for a while. That's enough for now." </p><p>He didn't miss the look she gave him as she pressed further. “Ben…” He dropped his head with a sigh, finding a rather interesting piece of grass to focus on and fiddle with. She was not going to let him off the hook so easily. </p><p>"Pain, anger, rage. It's where I draw strength from. If it feels like an open wound, it’s because it is."</p><p>Rey looked up at him, a sad pain in her eyes that slowly melted into something warmer before she started giggling. “I draw my strength from you. I get so mad, it makes me want to beat you.” She shook her head, knowing it wasn’t funny. She just got silly giggles when she was tired. “We really are the same.”</p><p>"And yet we are also nothing alike." He replied quietly, barely even a whisper. How could they be? He had been seduced, prayed upon and then wanted to run from his past right into the arms of death. His pain at having killed his friends, those who studied with him, in an act of fear before he even truly knew the depths of the power and it had erupted out of him was the final straw. Running from his past. It was the cowards choice. The easy choice. </p><p>"Come on." Standing slowly, he offered out his good arm to her. "Let's get you into bed. I think you're delusional." Taking his hand, she didn’t drop it, even after she was off the ground and walking away. She wasn’t going to argue with good logic. “Do you fight every fight like that? Or just with me?”</p><p>Easing his hand out of Rey's grip, Ben instead supported her around her waist. He was equally as worn, but he had experience and stamina on his side. "Every fight."</p><p>“I just always want to w-w-win,” she said through a yawn. “But you bring out this side of me that always wants to be right.” The arm around her waist was reassuring, she was dizzy now she thought about it. “I don’t think I can keep fighting you like that.”</p><p>Setting his jaw, focusing on the goal of getting back to the <em> Falcon </em> the light conversation was a welcome distraction. <em> One foot in front of the other </em> . He urged himself. <em> Left, then right. </em> </p><p>"Only I bring it out? From what I've seen you always have to be right." But upon thinking about her admittance Bne agreed. "I used to let my anger consume me, but I see now the amount of mistakes I made fighting like that. Instead, I use the pain, the anger but it's focused and clear. Not erratic and wild."</p><p>“I’m not using pain.” Rey stated defiantly, a strength to her voice. “That’s definitely not going to be the lesson today.” She chewed on her lip before adding, “And I’m not sure how much stronger it makes you. It makes you powerful. And scary. Like on Starkiller. But I don’t know about stronger.”</p><p>Choosing to ignore the implications behind Rey’s words he pressed on. "Pain doesn't have to be what fuels you. But you do need something you can focus your mind on, something to channel the Force through." </p><p>They had reached the ramp, Rey was only able to think about her mattress on the floor, bumbling through her words. “You were stronger on Exegol, when you fought with love.”</p><p>"Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t. I don’t know but I do know it wasn't enough. Not to save you. Not to let you die alone." And with that they had reached the bunk and Ben eased Rey down onto it, turning his head so she wouldn’t see the shame written all over his face.</p><p>“Nothing could’ve saved me,” she mumbled, half-asleep. “I wanted to die.”</p><p>The words felt like a slap in the face. "<em>What</em>?" Whether she was half asleep or not he didn't care. “Why?”</p><p>"I fixed it." She turned over, rolling into her pillow. "I saved everyone."</p><p>Ben’s mouth opened, but no sound came out. He was at a loss. He needed to rest, but his mind wouldn’t let him, it was alive with all the implications of Rey's words. Waiting until he could hear the rhythmic breathing that signalled sleep, he crept out of the bunks, stopping briefly in the lake once more to wash away his sweat and he hoped, his fears. However it was only halfway successful. Finally, he flopped down onto the cushions of the hologram lounge within the Falcon. His mind would still not quieten, so he tried the next best thing, meditation. The idea of healing with the Force was new and foreign to him. Death, destruction, that he could do. This was like re-learning to walk. But there it was, an inner spark of the Force to lessen the residual pain in his shoulder. Alike with Rey though, it wasn't a practiced art for him so it took a toll. </p>
<hr/><p>Rey woke up from a sleep that left her feeling she'd been down for days. Sitting up, she realized she was still in her rumpled training clothes, and more than a little smelly. Holding her forehead, she tried to remember how she'd gotten to the floor. They had been training and she had broken his shoulder — she winced, remembering their pain — and then she had healed him. Did she use too much again? <em> Kriff, I’ll never hear the end of it. </em></p><p>Her stomach groaning in hunger, she used the bulkhead to push herself off the floor. All she wanted was food.</p><p>She found a small loaf of bread, deciding to claim it as her own, as she sat down in the lounge. She was just ripping off a piece when saw Ben coming. She greeted him with a tired grin. “What time is it?”</p><p>"Late. You needed the sleep." And food. In his hands he carried a large tray containing two plates full of his efforts in the galley. Nothing fancy, just a hearty stew. </p><p>She looked at the food ravenously. “Dinner?”</p><p>"No. It's a plate of bantha shit. Yes, it's dinner." Ben remarked as he set the tray down.</p><p>”Thank you.” Taking a plate, she didn’t even bother with a fork, instead picking up a piece of vegetable and chewing it with her mouth open to compensate for the heat. “I could eat a wookie right now, I'm so hungry.”</p><p>"Now that's a sight I don't want to see." Unlike his companion who seemed to have left her manners elsewhere he cut small chunks of the tender meat off one at a time. Choosing not to speak with his mouth full. "Once you're done eating there's something I want to show you."</p><p>Rey raised an unimpressed eyebrow, but at least covered her mouth as she took her next bite. “What is it?”</p><p>Ben opened his mouth as if to reply and then faltered. "Can I just wait to show you? I can't really explain it."</p><p>She shrugged, not minding at all. Less talking meant more eating. Taking her fork, she began to eat like a relatively civilized person. Or at least one who believed that using the side of the fork was the same as cutting with a knife to make bite-sized pieces. After a few minutes, when she didn’t feel quite so empty, she looked up at him, swallowing before asking, “How is your shoulder?”</p><p>Ben continued to eat, but with the way that Rey was devouring her food he began to wonder if he had made enough food to sate her. Subconsciously he slowed in his own eating, should she still be hungry at least he’d have some left for her to finish from his plate. "It's better. Just a bit tender. Nothing to worry about."</p><p>“I can heal it more, after dinner.” She offered him some of her bread.</p><p>Shaking his head at the offer, Ben smiled softly. "It's nothing bad. It doesn't need further attention." He assured her.</p><p>Any food can be a sandwich so she started breaking the bread apart to put the rest of her meat and vegetables in. As she was chewing, something else began gnawing at her. They had been having a lesson, she’d over-exerted herself straight into a coma, and he was being <em> nice. </em> </p><p>Turning her head, Rey squinted at him. “You’re being weird.”</p><p>"And you're being pert." A deadpan response with a straight face. "How am I being weird?"</p><p>“You’re not lecturing me. Why aren’t you lecturing me?”</p><p>"Do you want me to? I can." Pushing his plate aside, a few morsels left he pursed his lips for a moment. "I just figure you're perfectly obstinate so you wouldn't listen anyway."</p><p>Rey frowned at him, confused as to what was going on. Deciding to finish her sandwich instead of fight, she grumbled, “No, but I do always listen.”</p><p>Shuffling around the seat so that they were sitting beside each other, Ben took Rey's hand. "I don't know if this will work, but if you can do it. I can do it. I want to show you something. I slipped today and I can’t find the words to explain so at least this might.”</p><p>Blinking in surprise, Rey nodded. “Of course.”</p><p>Taking Rey's hand, Ben held it against his heart. His other hand reached out and rested at the back of her head, pulling her closer to him until their foreheads touched. A shaky breath was the only inclination of his nerves. This wound was still raw. As was the festering damage to his psyche. He was about to willingly let her in, let her see the fractured and broken mess that he was beneath his bravado. He needed to focus, to protect her. She didn't need to see his past, the way he was groomed by Snoke, his torment. But there was one memory he wished her to see, both painful and beautiful. </p><p>Could he love? Ben believed he was incapable, but this would prove otherwise. </p><p>His mind drifted and he pulled Rey along with him until he found what he was looking for. </p><p>
  <em> Exegol. Darkness. Pain. His desperation as he fought his way to Rey. They stood as one, aligned against their common enemy, Darth Sidius. But they were no match. Falling to their knees, helpless as their life force was torn from them, he could think of one thing and one thing only. Rey. Collapsing to the ground, his fears ever present he found his way to his feet, squaring off with the Emperor himself only to be thrown backwards and into a chasm. Even then, there was no thought of his own life, Rey had been right, here, he had fought with love. He had fought for her.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Even as he climbed the sheer cliff of the chasm, fingers grappling whatever they could to find purchase, his body broken and beaten he could feel her. He felt Rey diving deeper and deeper into the Force, her own lifes energy fading as her power rose. And then nothing. Nothing but a void in his heart, a gaping and rotting wound. Alone. Abandoned. But it was worse than what he had previously known. This was dark, it was cold and never had he ever felt this truly helpless and isolated. Even before he saw her lifeless body he had known and he dragged his body forward step by painful step, stumbling to find her.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> In a moment of perfect clarity. He had known what to do. He had accepted the consequences. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> The kiss had caused Ben Solo to laugh, the joy in Rey’s face coupled with the knowledge that he had finally done something right, something good was more than enough to put the young man’s mind at ease. He was done. His lifeforce had revived the only person he had left. He could be at peace and rest easy knowing that his final act was one of redemption and perhaps if there was an afterlife, he would get to rejoin his family and use his it to atone for all the pain and hurt he had caused. </em>
</p><p>Pulling free of the memory, Ben’s hand raced the line of her jaw before tilting her chin up to meet his eyes. Rey’s face was ghostly, she couldn’t see him anymore, she was looking through him. “I can never lose you.” And he wouldn’t. He would do the same thing countless times over if he had to, though he was sure if there was a second time, his body wouldn’t be so lucky to still breathe.</p><p>Somehow her body knew to whirl around, get out of the seat, run for the ‘fresher. But she didn’t make it. Falling to her hands and knees, she vomited everything she had just eaten. Heaving violently, tears falling, she felt like her body was pouring out of her throat. Until all she had left inside were sobs. It was not a reaction Ben had anticipated and guilt plagued him, along with confusion; largely due to his emotional incompetence. Following after Rey as she fell, he did the only thing he could. He held her hair back and rubbed soothing circles between her shoulder blades.</p><p><em> “Why?” </em> Her voice was raw, ragged. She couldn’t stop shivering as she looked up, angry and sad and lost and scared. ”I’m <em> nothing</em>,” she shrieked. I’m <em> no one.” </em> The sobs wracked her body, as if trying to force more bile out of her. “I <em> saved </em> you.” </p><p>Eyes wide, Ben's hands fell away from Rey, heart skipping a beat and then racing erratically. "No!" The word was a strangled snarl. "You are not nothing! Not to me." The same phrase he seemed to have repeated to her countless times.</p><p>“No one wanted me.” It was all coming out now, she couldn’t stop it. “No one wanted me until they needed me. And they told me — the Jedi told me these were final steps. ’<em>Rise, Rey,</em>’” she mimicked, her voice unrecognizably snide. “‘<em>A</em><em>nd take them.</em>’</p><p>“I did everything I was told. I did everything <em> right </em> And there was <em> nothing. </em> There was <em> no one.</em>”</p><p>Ben blinked, grabbing at Rey's arms with a shaky breath. Rough, raw, his actions anything but gentle as he tugged her up holding her steady so he could meet her gaze, holding it. "I wanted you Rey. I want you. I was with you. I am with you." Bundling her into his arms tightly holding her to himself, fingers fisting in her hair.</p><p>“I saved you,” she whimpered pathetically. “And then there was no one. It was empty on the other side, I didn’t — I <em> died </em> and there was <em> nothing</em>.”</p><p>"You hadn't completed your journey." Ben whispered. "You cannot become the Force and join the past Jedi until your life's journey is complete. They knew it was not the end for you. They kept you secured to the living plane so that I could bring you back." The sincerity of his words was proof that he believed every word he said.</p><p>“But I wanted <em> you</em>.” Her head fell forward, feeling like she was going to be sick from the shame. “And then...”</p><p>"I'm here.” Ben interjected. “So are you. I will always find a way back to you Rey. You will never truly be alone." Ben dropped his chin down to kiss the crown of her head. "We saved each other."</p><p>“But then you nearly killed yourself,” she sobbed, shouting over him. <em> Selfish</em>. The word whipped her like one of Plutt’s flunkies. </p><p>"I..." He didn't know what to say to that. It was true. And he'd do it again. Though he was wise enough not to voice it. "I'm sorry."</p><p>She shook her head, because of course he would apologize when she didn’t want it or need it. “Then you would have been there.” He still didn’t get it. <em> “Alone.” </em></p><p><em> It would be a fitting punishment for my crimes</em>. He thought to himself dully. But he shook his head all the same. "No. My journey would have been completed." All the whispers, all the voices. They had urged him to save her, not that he needed encouragement. "But the point is, it didn't happen. I'm still very much alive as are you."</p><p>Rationally she knew that. Which is why she had been pushing this all away. It was pointless, they were alive, what did any of it matter. But it just wouldn’t let her go. Or she couldn’t let it. “All the whispers, they told me it was the end, they told me the Force would be with me always.”</p><p>"Damn them all to hell. You are mine. I will be with you, always." His voice had a dark, possessive quality to it and he gripped Rey a little tighter.</p><p>She found herself nodding. It was exactly what she wanted someone to tell her. To make her feel. Wanted, protected, reciprocated. “I will be with you always,” she echoed. </p><p>Pulling back, the smell of vomit causing him to scrunch his nose slightly, a tender touch brushed the hair from Rey's forehead. "Go get cleaned up and I'll clean this mess up."</p><p>It was easy to take orders — it was almost like Finn was here, cleaning her up after a nightmare. In the ‘fresher she washed her mouth out, splashing cold water on her face and neck. Slipping out, she changed into one of her sleep shifts before padding back to Ben.</p><p>"Better?" He asked, rinsing his hands one last time. </p><p>Nodding, she mumbled, “I’m sorry. Thank you.” She couldn’t quite meet his eye, still awash in shame.</p><p>"Me too." Ben murmured, acutely aware he was the cause of the melt down. "I can heat up some soup if you're feeling up to it? Otherwise more rest will do you good."</p><p>Rey felt half asleep already again, and shook her head. “Bed, I think.” She shuffled her way back to her mattress. Given her fears of being alone, Ben curled up beside her, letting sleep consume him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Chapter contains:<br/>- Sparring<br/>- Broken bone<br/>- Characters reliving the end of TRoS</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The growling of her own stomach woke Rey the next morning. Rolling up made her dizzy — she hadn’t been this hungry since Niima. It took a moment for her to register just how that had happened, Ben was still asleep at least — a small saving grace in a hangover of shame.  Crawling up to standing, she made for the galley and that loaf of bread she’d tried to get her hands on the night before. She wanted to eat and then take something apart so she could put it back together again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>An hour had passed, and the peace of the morning was shattered with the tinny sounding voice of Kah ringing out above the sound of the metallic knocking as his fists pounded on the Falcon. “Lady Rey? Master Solo? May I come in?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey, who had been fussing with a blaster since devouring the load of bread, ran to the ramp. Opening it, she held a finger to her lips, hoping to avoid waking Ben.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kah tilted his head to the side, oblivious to what the gesture meant. "Is there something wrong with your lips? Lady Rey?" Shrugging, he continued. "Good news. I am fully recharged and at your service." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>From down the corridor Ben grumbled and turned in his sleep. "Need to stop the storm troopers training this early…” The words were thick and slow, and soon turned into soft snoring once more. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Right. Old droid.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Rey reminded herself and decidedly had to think of him in terms of a reset Threepio. She leaned in, whispering, “Master Solo is asleep right now.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>I really hope he didn’t hear that.</span>
  </em>
  <span>  “Also please call me Rey,” she added. “Could you follow me as quietly as possible?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can." Lowering the volume of his voice box was not as easy as it should have been, but the effort was there all the same as he overaggerated his steps to imitate the motion of  'tip toeing' after Rey.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was certainly endearing watching an old Imperial droid try to keep quiet. There was no stopping the clanks on the metal floor, but all the same, he had tried. When they reached the hologram lounge, she offered him a seat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sitting down, Kah seemed to take in his surroundings. "How may I be of service? La...Rey." Though old, a little clunky and rough around the edges he wanted to please and succeed in his primary functions.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sitting opposite, she said, “I’d like to know more about how Anakin built you, if you don’t mind.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The droid appeared to hesitate, but it was only for the purpose of examining his programming. "I was built as a security droid for the Galactic Empire.” Came the simple explanation. “I have a long range of combat capabilities, excellent probability analysis algorithms, and direct access to the Imperial datanet. Master Skywalker salvaged me from what he described as a 'scrap heap'. He rebuilt my body first and then 'tinkered' with my software. I was reprogrammed to be a personal security droid for Lady Padme." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey frowned. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Salvaged. Scrap heap. Tinkered. </span>
  </em>
  <span>The words were hitting closer to home than she expected. “How did he tinker with your operations?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He overrode my initial primary function and reassigned it to household security and help. But he did say I was still full of..." Kah paused trying to find the word. "Kinks."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kinks?” That was an interesting word, considering what he had walked in on. Was it a more common, less suggestive word back then?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Bugs, glitches, malfunctions." Kah corrected. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben loomed in the doorway, watching the exchange a mixture of interest and annoyance written across his face. ”I hope one of those kinks isn’t voyeurism.” He grumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Though startled by his voice, grumpy Ben still pulled a smile onto Rey’s face.  “Kah, could we meet you in the — er —” she still didn’t know what to call that monstrosity of a building “ — house later?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seemingly confused as to why he was being dismissed, Kah rolled his shoulder in a shrug. "Sigh. And just as we were starting to get to know each other.” Turning his gaze to Ben as if blaming him for such a rude dismissal he stood.  “As you wish."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben stopped the droid. "You said you were also household help. Could you make up a clean bed for us too please?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes! Of course Master Solo." The annoyance all but forgotten as a purpose was provided for him. “At once. Excuse me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Waiting until he could no longer hear the metal clanking against the floor of the Falcon; Ben sunk down onto the lounge beside Rey. "There is definitely something weird about him."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Doesn’t seem any stranger than Threepio to me.” Rey took his hand, leaning her head against his shoulder. “I really am so sorry about last night.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Threepio was never a favourite droid of mine either." The programming made both he and Kah seem too human when they were anything but. Speaking of the droid bought him time before he addressed the apology.  "I am too. It was selfish of me to show you that." Ben replied quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Frowning, Rey shook her head. “No, it wasn’t, but I wish you had told me what it was you wanted to show me, I could have...I could have been honest.” Scratching her nose, she flushed dully as she dredged up some of their bad history. “Remember our fight after my nightmare? It was — well, I have lots of nightmares — but that one was wherever I was after I... “ She cleared her throat to keep her voice even. “After I died.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A heavy weight sat on Ben’s chest, the weight of his shame and shortcomings. "I'm not good with words, not to express myself." Ben admitted with a nervous smile. The fight of which she spoke was still fresh, it had barely been a handful of days ago. "You don't have to be afraid of that place again. I promise Rey, I won't ever let you go there."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her knees curled up as she leaned against him. “I can’t stand the thought of you there, either, Ben.” Smiling ruefully, she added, “Maybe we should just settle down and be farmers.” It caused Ben to snort with laughter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We both know we could never do that. And I'm not going to purposefully get myself killed. I promise that too."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a relief to hear him laugh, it meant they could go back to whatever their normal was. It made her roll over to straddle his legs, just looking for the feeling of his heartbeat next to hers. His arms closed around her as she turned into his neck, nose nuzzling him. “Thank you for trusting me with your mind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A hand slid up to toy with her hair idly. "Oh, that was nothing.” He replied coyly. “I kept the mess that my mind is mostly hidden and just focused on that one memory. If I don't want to be in my head, no one else should have to suffer through it either."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Still, I appreciate what it means.” The hands in her hair added to the soothing part of his memory. That boundless happiness, that pride. She didn’t know how to say it exactly. “Out of all everything…you are what I’m most proud of.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben's brow knitted in confusion. Why was he what she was proud of? "I don't understand?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chewing on her lip, she tried to straighten out her thoughts. “I...the galaxy, all of it, I can’t look at it and understand it. I can’t see how it gets better. But you, I can see the changes. How you’re trying.”  It felt somehow condescending to say, but she meant it earnestly. “I’m proud to know you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At first Ben wanted to be angry but he understood what she was trying to say. It was part of the reason he was trying, he didn't want to let her down. He had hated seeing the pain of disappointment in her eyes each time he had denied her and turned further to the path of the Sith. And he hated seeing it now. But what words could be said to such a thing? None came to mind. Taking the cowards path he changed the topic. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're clearly feeling better today."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey shook her head, she wasn’t about to let him brush this aside, especially knowing her point hadn’t come across. “I don’t know what I’m trying to say, I’m sorry. I just…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had worried before that Kylo Ren only saw their relationship as transactional — that it was why he denied her in Snoke’s throne room. But now she saw she was doing the same. Pushing gratitude for him not being his worst self. Which only called attention to it, and maybe made him uncomfortable. Rey didn’t want to reach out to touch his feelings on it, but maybe she was getting closer to the heart of both of them with this personal estimation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was hard to hold it all together in her head. Everything, in spite of the last few days on Naboo, still felt enormous. Like the galaxy was still weighing directly on top of them, as the Force was still driving her life. But they were here together, and that still felt right.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad I’m here with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His hand had continued to stroke her hair idly, it brought him as much comfort as it did Rey.  A frown creased his brow for a moment as he thought harder on Rey's words. "Kylo Ren will always be a part of who I am. I claimed the name, a persona to embody my hate, my rage, my anger. An attempt to kill Ben for good and shut myself off to the side of me that feels. Now I realise they are both in here, always fighting with one another." A shaky breath was taken in as he steadied himself for the admission on the tip of his tongue. “I don't even know who I am."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I — I noticed. I’ve been trying not to use either name,” she admitted, thinking back to the drinking game. “Does that help?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Not really. I don't know. I don't think so” He wondered if when he had opened his mind she had felt the gaping fracture. “As with all wounds, it needs time to heal." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For what it’s worth…” Rey began slowly then paused. Sometimes beginning was the easy part, other times, like last night, were the opposite. “...I don’t feel like I know who I am anymore, either.” Her smile was sad. “Two soldiers with no war.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know exactly who you are.” Curling his fingers in her hair, grip firm but not painfully so, he pulled her back so he could meet her gaze, Rey offering no resistance as her eyes met with his with hope, shame, love and probably everything else in between. "You are fierce, you are strong, brave, kind, loyal. You are Rey." </span>
  <em>
    <span>And you are mine.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“You are all those things, too. I don’t trust anyone like I trust you.” She felt a twinge of guilt for Finn, but it didn’t make it any less true. Finn knew she had a dark side, but there was only one person who had seen it. Accepted it anyway. Encouraged it, even if she hated to admit he contributed to that one, but how else was she ever going to understand it?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leaning in, Ben’s lips found Rey’s for a sweet but fleeting moment before he pulled away a similar smile on his lips to when she had risen from death. "As for soldiers without a war. Don't hold your breath, it won't be long before a new tide crashes in and some new threat rises."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The kiss was sweet, but it was the look on his face that took the breath out of her. She remembered that smile, she had seen it shining through brighter last night. That grin, that punchdrunk grin, she had forgotten it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t care,” she whispered, gripping his collar. “So long as you are there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I lost you once. You're stuck with me now." He teased lightly before his stomach growled, ruining the otherwise sweet moment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey winced as the moment changed, but grinned all the same, letting her hands slide to his belly. “And your hunger, too, it seems.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"For the record, I do believe you've eaten vastly more than I have since our time here." Ben remarked with an air of indignity. "Now are you going to sit on my lap all day or can a man get some food?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey smacked his chest goodnaturedly, because he was right and she really had no comeback to that, before moving off him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t this planet a matriarchy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It is. Why?" He asked as he turned to look back at her on his way to find food. "And it's not necessarily decided upon by birthright. Queen Amidala was elected by her people."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just thinking of ways to end arguments,” she answered off-handedly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rolling his eyes, Ben raided some of the fruit. He didn't have any comeback to that. It proved her point. "I suppose we should go meet Kah before he comes looking for us again." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Humming in agreement, she left Ben grazing on food and went to change into a fresh outfit and fix her hair up. He’d already sifted through the second hand clothing he’d been given and found a clean outfit. He took comfort in the dull greys and black clothing he had found. It was normal, it was safe. It was less armoured than he would have liked, but it occurred to him that he likely didn't need such precautions right now. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>My balls beg to differ</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He thought wryly to himself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Perhaps in time he would let go of such comforts and be able to wear different clothes. For now though, he was attempting to change many things at once in his being, and his clothing choice didn't have to add to his trials. Not now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Rey’s hands reached up in the habitual wrenching back of her hair, she thought about his fingers carding through her hair and how nice it made her feel. All her choices were made as though she were still on Jakku, from clothes to hairstyle, as though she were still battling the desert with her body. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Slowly Rey worked her hair into a soft bun at the base of her neck, similar to how Rose sometimes wore hers. It felt strange, having the weight of her hair in one spot like that, so she took it down to redo it. She finally settled on it half up, with some loose away from her face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Looking down at her arms, she slowly undid the wraps. Naboo’s prime wouldn’t burn her, they were not necessary. She could use them for patching up her breeches and other clothes instead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Somehow she was embarrassed to face Ben, though the last time she had changed her look, he hadn’t said a word. Maybe he knew or guessed how out-of-place she felt in dresses. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Chin up</span>
  </em>
  <span>, she could hear Sal. This place, full of memories that belonged to other people, was resurrecting so many of her own. </span>
  <em>
    <span>If you don’t stand straight, you won’t win.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>When Rey finally joined him a smile settled on his lips. Appreciative. “It suits you.” He complimented, causing Rey to flush. "You look less scary like that." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I don’t have anyone worth scaring anymore.” It was a deflection, but still getting closer to the truth — something she was learning they both shared. “I just want to grab my toolkit.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the compartment behind the cockpit, she grabbed a large cloth bag that clanged every time she walked. The bag was ridiculous, and she knew it, but she kept any tool she found. Sometimes the slight calibration variations of her maghooks made all the difference. Slinging it over her shoulder, she headed to the ramp.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Each clang of the bag as they walked caused Ben to wonder how many different tools she had, or if she ever left any she came across behind? Perhaps only the broken ones or ones of the worst condition were spared? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think you need a bigger bag." An air of amusement in his tone as he continued down the ramp and towards the estate.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He’s not wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span>, she thought, though still not ready to give him a win that easily. “We don’t have to ask him any questions today.” Rey tried to stifle the tools banging by holding under the bag. “And if you don’t want to stay while I open him up, that’s fine too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Swallowing thickly, Ben shrugged. "Maybe no questions today. But I'll see how it goes when you open him up. I'm not sure I trust Kah alone with you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey supposed, maybe the droid could be a danger to her. But then again, she was also a Force user who could crush him like a metal can. “Because I’m not a Skywalker?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No because he said it himself. He's full of kinks." He remarked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Snorting at the idea, she leaned into him, pushing slightly. “Well, pretty sure he doesn’t match any of mine.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"He was made by a Skywalker so who knows? Maybe his kinks are exactly your kind?" Ben smirked as his hand reached down and slapped her back side gently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Peering up at him, and hoping to maybe ruffle his facial expression for once, she asked, “What are your kinks?” Her tone was similar to remarking on the weather.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You'd just love to know, wouldn't you?" It wasn't going to be that easy to ruffle him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours?” What did it take to make Ben Solo splutter…? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The banter left Ben somewhat dumbfounded as to how swiftly he was again staring up at the large doors of the estate. "Ladies first."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Age before beauty.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Well Kriff.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ben cast a sideways glance at Rey as he shouldered the door open and crossed the threshold. She was slowly bringing him undone. "Don't you have a droid’s kinks to work out?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She paused in a corridor. “Yeah, I suppose I do. Don’t think you’re into this kind of thing.” She hefted her carbon chisel, knocking him lightly on the shoulder with it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kah?” she called. How else were they ever going to find him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took a few moments but soon enough the sound of metal clomping against marble floor could be heard. "Yes La...Rey. What do you desire?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben snickered to himself. "Your kinks."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kah looked at Ben, blinking his eyes sockets twice before turning back to Rey in a conspiring manner, one hand lifted to shield the movement of his lips as he leaned in close to her ear. "I believe Master Solo is malfunctioning."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Biting her lip to keep from laughing, Rey barely held it together as she asked, “Would you mind if I took a look under your plating?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Not at all. Go right ahead." Kah replied straightening. "Are you going to service me?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben snorted at that, choking a little before excusing himself. Though he didn’t make it far. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, I think that’s best, don’t you, Ben?” she asked, giving him her most concerned look. “Is there somewhere you could lay down? Maybe the dining room table?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh yeah have at it. Work out all of his kinks." Ben was almost howling with laughter at that point. "I'll even give you some privacy and I won't watch."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Perhaps you need to service Master Solo too? I believe he has kinks as well." Kah remarked, a concerned tone to his voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben couldn’t contain himself anymore, breaking down and completely abandoning himself to fits of uncontrollable giggles. It was ridiculous, absurd even but for the life of him, he couldn’t remember the last time he laughed in such a way - if he ever had. The boyish giggling was contagious and Rey soon found herself laughing along with him. Leading Kah into the dining room she gestured for Kah to get on the table as she collapsed with laughter into a chair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know, Kah? I’m certain he does.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well I think you are both perfectly mad. Just like Master Skywalker and Lady Padme." Kah remarked now sounding somewhat condescending as he first sat on the oversized table before laying down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took everything to bite back at the questions that the last statement presented. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Not without Ben</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It wouldn’t be right. So instead she set to work, having Kah on his back, while she opened his headplate carefully. She called on the Force to help with the rusted screws, rather than trusting a broken-screw remover. She wanted to look at his logic center and behavioral modifications.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the plating came away, she gave a soft “Oh!” Followed by a “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh?</span>
  </em>
  <span>” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Whatever she was expecting, it wasn’t this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once he was certain he was done laughing, and waiting until his breathing and mind were centered once more, Ben finally joined Rey and Kah in the dining room, silent, looming a few feet away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is everything alright?" Kah asked innocently.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben too was curious. Tinkering with droids was not his speciality. He was a pilot like his father and left droids to be.. well hunks of junk. Useable and expendable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes,” she said quickly, flushing. She could sense Ben behind her, feel his interest niggling at the back of her mind. “It’s very elegantly done,” she said honestly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her fingers traced over the work — she knew the different brands of the Imperial era from scavenging. So to see so many in one head was a surprise. “Anakin was very selective, wasn’t he?” she asked the droid.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes. I believe his words were 'longevity' and 'quality'. He made sure I would last and always be of service." Kah replied. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thinking it was going to be something more interesting, Ben found himself bored quite quickly. "Do you mind if I look around a bit?" The question was posed to Rey but annoyingly it was Kah that replied. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Upstairs on the eastern side you will find the suite I have prepared for you both. I presumed one room would suffice, you looked perfectly comfortable with each other yesterday."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, go ahead.” She looked up, giving him a smile. “Give a shout —” That was her usual order, but then it felt very redundant to shout given that they could communicate in their heads. “I’ll be here,” she finished.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Turning back to Kah, she knelt on the floor to be even with the back of his head. From scouring the wrecks, finding only what was left behind because it was junk, Rey knew what pieces should be in a KX head. All Arykyd, which meant certain parts were just faulty. Like the behavioral chips and wires network was famously strong, and therefore it remained. But the logic was famously warped and always left behind since no junker worth his spit would take them. So here it was empty, replaced with something that appeared to be of no corporation whatsoever. Instead it was gold, sleek, without a logo. Kah confirmed Anakin had made it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Which only made her dig deeper into his guts. By midday, she had the strangest, craziest theory of her life. But somehow it made sense? Mentally she reached out, looking for Ben in the massive building. After piecing Kah back together and asking him to remain downstairs, she found her way up to Ben.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben had used the time to wander, to explore and eventually found his way up to the suite and was pleasantly surprised to see it clean and the large lavish bed had fresh sheets, blankets and cushions to adorn it. A balcony overlooked the lake and one of its four walls, the one that held the balcony was all glass allowing natural light and warmth in. And on the balcony were two well carved wooden daybeds with silks and cushions. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was seated, reading through the Jedi texts that Rey had so kindly gifted him while she was learning to read. But given the ancient scrawl it was written in, it was taking a vast amount of his focus.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At the door, Rey stopped dead in her tracks. The room was breathtaking. The size of the furniture, the scale of the room dimensions, it was richer than anything she had ever slept in before. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This</span>
  </em>
  <span> is ours? she wondered, going out to the balcony, her jaw dropping.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For some reason she had just assumed Kah would prepare a small, manageable room, not the royalty’s room. “This is absurd,” she muttered, turning to Ben.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Had it been anyone elses voice that had stirred him from his focus, they would have likely been force choked. But he somewhat lazily peeled his eyes away from the text to watch Rey as she explored the lavish and oversized room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"This is home." He stated quietly. "You'll get used to it."</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No, I won’t</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She grew up in an AT-AT, nothing about this would ever be normal. People living like this while others suffered… Naboo was peaceful, but why did the tyrants only care about the outer rim? A question for another day. Today she already had the question to press his buttons with. “I wanted to ask you about Threepio.” His brow arched in response and with a huff he set the text aside and gave Rey his full attention. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I'm starting to think maybe droids are your kink after all." A coy smile was offered. "You're far too interested in them."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Any dildo in a storm,” she said off-handedly. She was going to get him today. It was going to happen. Just perhaps not yet, her comment being met with a casual shrug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"A machine is a machine." Ben agreed slowly. "What were you going to ask?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Right. How long has he been in your family?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think he was my mother's? I'm not really sure." Now his curiosity was piqued. "Why?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I…it’s hard to explain.” She said, shaking her head. She tried to think of something he could relate it to. “I’m guessing you can recognize pilots from their maneuvers or recognize who trained them?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His head tilted to the side as if the angle would help his understanding. "Yes, it's the same with most trades. You can usually recognise someone's workmanship for what it's worth." He paused. "You're stalling. Where are you going with all this?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Anakin was thorough —- he knew all the weaknesses of the droid model he was working with. He liked to wire things similar to the human body, even to the point of rerouting things. And I’ve seen the under Threepio’s plates. And they are very...unique, to say the least, in their human relations.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben listened carefully, his eyes widening at the implication of her words. "You believe Anakin built Threepio?" Though voiced as a question it was far more like a statement. "It would certainly explain a few things."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey nodded. “For someone who became so…” she gestured to her whole body, “... he was obsessed with humanity.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So dark?" Ben queried. "So twisted? So cruel?" His voice was low now, a dangerous edge to it as if taking the comment to heart, a personal attack. </span>
  <em>
    <span>No. Don't start a fight. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Letting out a shaky breath he shrugged. "Maybe seeing the droids memory database might help us understand who Anakin was, before he became Vader."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Frowning at him, Rey shook her head. “That’s not what I meant. From what I know, he was thrown in a volcano and became mostly cybernetic?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes, he was more machine than man in body. But his mind coordinated most of his rebuilds." Ben agreed. A shameful smile on his lips as his cheeks flushed red. He had been too quick to judge her comment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was as good as an apology as needed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s not what I expected,” she said, flopping into the chair next to him. “I never knew he was an engineer.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Does that mean we're stuck with the creepy attitude of Kah?" Ben enquired innocently. "You have no idea how much I am looking forward to sleeping in this bed." The bunks really were far too small for his frame.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well that’s two kinks down, I guess.” She rested her head on her hand. “And I honestly wouldn’t mess with a masterpiece. You know, Anakin programmed Kah’s logic himself? Maybe he thought Threepio was a laugh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If Anakin did program Threepio, it would mean he did it as a child. This droid came after, one created here for Padme. I guess it makes sense why Threepio had the innocence of a babe and this one seems naively coy. Maybe Anakin enjoyed a bit of adult humor?" It was a grand notion to say the least and the implications were huge. He wondered if his own mother knew the droid most loyal to her was created by her father? Likely not.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anakin Skywalker finding perverted jokes funny wasn’t exactly a stretch for Rey, not after having met Ben. Leia probably had that wicked sense of humor, too, when she was younger. Han would have loved it. Luke...well, it was hard imagining him being anything other than grumpy…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No one knew the real Anakin.” Ben continued. “I still don't. I know only Vader as everyone else does. I never believed it at the time, Luke... He told me of Vader's return to the Light. How he sacrificed himself for his son. A story I chose not to believe." Ben's tone became distant as if recounting an old memory. "I believed what Snoke made me believe. Vader was the strongest of the Darth name. Feared reverently and leader of the Imperial Forces. I aspired to be him, to be like him. I never realised how alike we truly were."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As Ben went on, he explained more than Rey realized at the time. She had always wondered how he could have idolized Vader, given how he died. Especially dying for Luke. After what Luke did to him, would she have believed his story?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She let her other hand fall open on her armchair. If he wanted to take it, he could. And he did, though his hand crept out as if of its own accord. A quiet moment. It seemed there were many such moments to be had. The heavy weight of their lives at times crushing. To know you had lived a lie, never known the whole truth about your family was something they shared. It felt like patchwork, as though they were slowly filling in gaps that sometimes they hadn’t even noticed were torn. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey always had a firm vision of a family: Anything she didn’t have. And yet, in her time on and off Jakku, she had met very few of those two-parents, oodles-of-children sorts of families. She had found many new types of family, and the many other horrific ways families could rip each other apart, even when they stayed together...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Was it wrong that Rey felt a little grateful for his pain? That it matched her own? That there was a hole as deep as hers in someone else? She flushed a little with shame. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Recentering her thoughts, she gazed out at the stunning view. Sitting there, holding his hand, feeling unburdened, it felt like life really was possible. Death had stunted her somehow, she knew it, but here, for once, it felt okay to linger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No worries, no waste, no war. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was completely unfamiliar, and actually, quite comfy.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh to have a penny for her thoughts.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Ben knew he could have easily let the bond between them flow but somehow, an unspoken rule had been forged. Not without permission. And he could live with that. Perhaps it was for the best, each one left to their own thoughts and feelings with the other there to guide and support as necessary. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was what he had needed. Since reclaiming his birth name, he had still been in battle, an internal war waging while trying to heal, teach Rey and figure out where he belonged in all of this chaos. Here and now, he could just stop. Linger. Listen. Feel.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And it was the most peace he had felt in a very long time. Maybe it was the calming view, the wide open space? But for one he didn't feel as if the heavy burden of life was crushing him, suffocating him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Rey?" The enquiry was soft, quiet. "This is ...nice."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her head turned on her wrist to him, smiling. “I was just thinking the same.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was guilt, too, for enjoying this. For not doing more, fighting some battle somewhere in the galaxy right now. But he looked as though he had needed this just as dearly as she did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It was definitely the right choice, coming here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This was just one side of the coin for both of them. The calm before the storm. "The path ahead will not be easy." Ben stated in reference mostly to the immediate plan of Jakku. "Enjoy the peace while you can. But now this place will always be your home, if you wish it to be."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think…” She wasn’t sure she knew what she was trying to say again, but she tried anyway. “I think no place will ever feel like a home. Not to me.” She squeezed his hand, her thumb running over his knuckles. “But you do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a sentiment that Ben could sympathise with. A house, a roof, a palace. It never felt </span>
  <em>
    <span>right</span>
  </em>
  <span> before. Not like waking up with Rey curled in his arms did. But the sweet, gentle moment they were sharing was perhaps pushing a little too far, a little too soon. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mine. Yours. He could say both words in the throes of passion but he couldn't voice aloud how safe, welcome, wanted and loved he felt whenever he was with her. Admitting it meant it was only a matter of time before it too was torn from him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben Solo didn't deserve such peace and happiness. His crimes were too many. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Swallowing he pulled away, abrupt but not unkind. "This place will feel like home in time."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey was adjusting to the emotional whiplash of knowing Ben Solo bit by bit. Sometimes it felt like it went better if she just disagreed with him instead. She honestly couldn’t tell which made him withdraw more.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Taking her hand back, she hummed some sort of noncommittal noise. Well. Anyway. “I agree Threepio came first. Some of his parts, particularly his frame, they’re older than the KX units. Artoo and Threepio came together, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Glancing over his shoulder as he rose to his feet he shrugged. "I think so. The pair have always been together. I don't know too much about them to be honest. I just know to me they represent something I never had. They were more welcome in my family then me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey rubbed her palm into her head. So it was going to be this kind of day. Was it leaving him by himself that made him pull away or forcing her company and opinion that annoyed him so much? “I’ll reach out to Chewie, then. Ask him the questions, let him know where we are.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben turned back sharply to face Rey. "NO!" He shouted, panicked and wild, startling Rey from her quiet staring out the window. "No. If he knows where we are he will come for me. I killed Han, the only family he had left. And all your friends will want my head too." His chest heaved with the anxiety. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And if they come, I will kill them if they try and hurt me."</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Jumping up Rey’s eyes narrowed, angry on behalf of her friend. It really </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> going to be one of </span>
  <em>
    <span>those</span>
  </em>
  <span> kinds of days today. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who do you think saved your ass when we got to Ajan Kloss? I couldn’t get a medic. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Chewie did</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Who do you think kept you safe there? </span>
  <em>
    <span>They did</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Flinching at her own response, she took a deep breath. “I won’t say where we are. I promise.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fingers clenched and released at his side, open to closed. "They didn't do it for me. Not to help me. They did it because they owed you everything. Everyone is alive because of you." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No one would believe that Kylo Ren had been there at the end, standing at Rey's side on the path of righteousness. He was on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell. They wouldn't believe he had saved her. But it was wrong to deny Rey of her friends. And as he continued to calm, slowly but surely he turned away. Ashamed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If you want to tell them you can. I will keep my distance from everyone if they come."</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’d rather fight you than watch you fucking sulk again.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Sitting back down with a frustrated growl, Rey stared out at the lake, now only seeing the murky shit color it was. Dark, moving with the wind or its own currents. She could float, but if she tried to swim, she would drown. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wanted to break something and fix it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben hissed lightly and muttered something under his breath, pacing this way and that. Fitting really, that a storm was brewing as his own emotions ran rampant, dark and brooding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You should try reading again." The words were strained. Better to move on than to dwell.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was just one stupid jab at her stupid vulnerabilities and she was done. “Fuck you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her curse only incited further ire. "You already have."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>it</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Rey jumped up, climbing over the chair to storm past him and out of the room. She needed her toolkit and something broken. Or something to break. Either would do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Watching as Rey stalked out, it was a brief moment after when Ben lifted the chair and tossed it at the door with a loud yell of anger. The comment about her reading had been a way to move forward. It hadn't been a derogatory jab. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was more, he needed another outlet but didn't feel it right to destroy the room. And so he stormed to the balcony overlooking the lake, stripping away his shirt as he did so and kicking off his boots before jumping over the edge and diving right in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After popping in on Kah to insist Ben needed some assistance, Rey picked up her toolkit and went back to the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Falcon. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Why was she being made to feel guilty for having friends? Why did he insist on taking everything like an insult? Why did he always punish her for telling him how she felt.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bag of broken things was in the same compartment she kept her toolkit in. Snatching it and grabbing some cheese and fruit, she went to dig into the bowels of the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Falcon</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Here, in the power and circuitry piping, she knew the width of the room, the height of the walls, the wires overhead reminding her to stay focused.  </span>
  <span><br/>
<br/>
</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben on the other hand has no such means to focus.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why do I always push her away?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why do I always hurt her?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Why am I a monster?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He remained deep under the water, lungs burning with the effort. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Because you are a monster Kylo Ren. You think you can run from your past? Make amends? You pretend to love, but you are incapable of it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The tormenting voice had him screaming beneath the water. Expending the last of his oxygen. Propelling himself upwards, he swam for the shore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hours passed by, but finally he returned to the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Falcon</span>
  </em>
  <span>. An apology seemed futile, an explanation was impossible. How could he admit he was jealous? The scavenger had more people to call friends and family than he had ever known. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blasters always had the same problems. They were boring. So were all of Rey's other problems in the bag. Old, easy fixes with no new information to teach her. Nothing interesting in their histories. Just junk. Unimportant, unwanted, uninteresting junk.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it kept her hands busy and out of a fight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Rey?" She could hear Ben calling her name as he entered the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Falcon</span>
  </em>
  <span> and the anger she had been slowly exorcising needled at her. “Circuitry!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course she was surrounding herself with things she could control. Biting his tongue he reminded himself why he was here. A peace offering. "I found something you might like."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was wrenching a bolt tight, grumbling to herself. She didn’t want her curiosity to get the better of her. But of course…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Like a child presenting his mother with the most unique, perfect and thoughtful gift he could find Ben pulled a small rectangular box out from behind his back. It looked like something of an artefact, of a time gone by and indeed it was. A toy, a beautiful little music box with a robed woman on a turning pedestal within. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You said you liked the music and to watch the dancing. I thought you might like this."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Standing up, Rey picked her way over through the mess she’d made to stand under him. It was beautifully carved and painted, delicate in a way Rey still didn’t fully understand the point of (</span>
  <em>
    <span>why keep things in a </span>
  </em>
  <span>thing</span>
  <em>
    <span> that can break?</span>
  </em>
  <span>). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without taking it, she opened it carefully. A stirring inside nearly made her drop the lid again. Her eyes popped up to Ben’s, blushing at her overreaction. This time when there was a faint sound or two, she didn’t stop, opening it up to find a beautiful woman in front of a mirror. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was almost certain he wasn’t playing with her, so she let her confusion play out. “Is dancing stationary on Naboo?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Biting back a laugh, Ben couldn't get rid of the amused look in his eyes. He lowered himself down so she could get a better look at it (and so he wasn't stooping over which was both awkward and uncomfortable). He didn't climb down, just crouched on one knee at the ledge. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Doubtful. This is old. A keepsake box. I think it's well before any of our times. Have you never come across such antiques and artefacts?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey shook her head and cocked it to the side, staring bemusedly at it, as if that would somehow make it make sense. “I don’t understand these nice things, they must break so easy.” He was clearly trying, Rey could meet him halfway. Jumping up to sit across from him, she asked, “What was it for?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"They weren't designed with materials that we know today." Ben explained softly. "Its purpose? I can only guess. Clearly a gift. Appears to have a storage compartment so maybe something that might be given to a special someone as a box to keep jewellery or special little items?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reaching out, Rey touched the robed woman with her finger. “She’s beautiful.” Her face turned into a sad smile. “This is what I thought princesses would look like.” A pang of grief for Leia hit her as she looked at the little woman. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Trying to push it down, she looked up at him. “You never had anything like this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her comment about Princesses confused Ben. Was it something she had hoped to be? Was it something she wished she could have known? Was it just every little girl's dream to be a princess? </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You're beautiful</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He wanted to say but after the stormy morning it didn't feel quite right. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead he tried for humor. "It's for a girl, do I look like a girl?" A short pause. "Actually don't answer that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A smile quirked on her lips. “I can call you many things, but ‘girly’ certainly isn’t one of them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Carefully taking it with both hands, she felt a little knob at the bottom. Holding up above her head, she saw it was meant to be turned a certain way. “Will I break it if I turn this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben smiled to himself. It had been a good find and the perfect little peace offering.  "I think that's how you operate it. And if you do break it, I believe, of everyone, you would be able to fix it again." Flattery would get him nowhere, but the gift was very thoughtful.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Opening the box again, Rey felt for the dial underneath. Turning it, she could feel it was a crank of some kind, winding something up. After three twists, she let it go. The crank began to spin backwards slowly, the soft noises Rey had heard when she first opened it starting again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was like a song, but with many notes missing. The sound was faint, and she wasn’t sure what kind of instrument made that noise. But what surprised her most was the little princess began turning, spinning wistfully with the music.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey’s jaw dropped, it was like her little planetarium. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” she whispered. So this was why people made them — they could bring joy. The music gasped its last song, and she had to fight the impulse to squirrel away with it. The little box was clearly in need of some repairs. Grinning at the little thing, she looked up at him. “This is amazing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was studying Rey as she worked and fiddled with it. Ben hadn't been sure exactly what it would do but somehow he had known she would like it. Even if she was currently more excited about the prospect of returning it to its former glory than the actual box itself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm glad you like it." Not an apology, not in words anyway, but it was the closest she would get.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Setting it gently down, she turned back to him, offering her hand between them again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a moment Ben hesitated, as if uncertain if he wanted to risk the same feelings that came with the calm last time. But he reached across all the same and took her hand and Rey squeezed it as she looked down at the mess she had made.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe she was pressing her luck, but she </span>
  <em>
    <span>needed</span>
  </em>
  <span> him to understand one thing. “I would never endanger you.” Her grip became too tight. “Ever.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe not on purpose</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The thought was not voiced, his tongue still. Instead he nodded slowly. "I know. But sometimes fear plays tricks on the mind."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Moving around to be closer to him, she pushed his hair back gently. Fear she could understand, fear she wanted to help with. “I won’t contact them yet. But you don’t have to worry about those three ever coming after us. I told them the truth about what happened, and what you did.” The implication of his words had come to her later and she had nearly thrown her hammer in impotent anger. “I would </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> pretend it didn’t happen.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's not what worried me." Ben admitted, feeling sick to let another know a dark and inner fear. "One good deed doesn't undo the horrors that will haunt me till my dying day. I know what I've done. I know my ledger will never be in the black and I know most will never find it in their hearts to forgive me." His voice strained as he did his best to keep an even tone, fighting to keep his words painless and emotionless.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey nodded slowly — he wasn’t wrong. There wasn’t a lot she could say to that, except one little piece of hope. “Chewie — he got you a medic. And helped me keep you safe on the base. He wouldn’t...he loved Han, but he didn’t do it for him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He did it for you.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Once again it seemed he was triumphant, keeping his self sabotaging thoughts as just that. He nodded slowly. "It's ... If you think it's safe then I trust you." Ben relented finally. "If you want to tell them where you are, I won't stand in your way."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey could tell he was holding back. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He may trust me, but he doesn’t trust my actions</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She paused — was there a difference between the two? Dropping his hand, she picked up the box and stood. “Have you eaten?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Trust was a hard thing for Ben, just as it had been for Kylo. A boy whose life had been filled with pain, back stabbing and not having a solid connection with anyone he could trust. There had been a few people, but inevitably it all ended the same. It always did. The only constant in his life had been the Darkness. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No." Rising to his feet he shrugged lightly. "I wasn't hungry."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We should probably finish the fruit before it goes off.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As she reached the galley she pulled several pieces out. “Do you know if there’s a village nearby? Somewhere we can resupply?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He still wasn't all that hungry, but neither did he want to incur the wrath of Rey once more so Ben nibbled at his fruit thoughtfully. He leaned against the wall, one knee bent up beneath him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Well you could call it a lesson in the Force. Cast is out and feel if there are any nearby villages."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How far away can you sense people?” She had only ever done it in her immediate vicinity, at most a few klicks for the Resistance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a fair question and one he had to think about how best to word it. "I guess it depends. Large gatherings are easier than trying to find a single entity. I could only find you when we were close. I couldn't sense you across the galaxy."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finishing a shuuri, Rey leaned down on her elbows, closing her eyes to reach out with her mind. Discord rankled her mind immediately — she had to deliberately ground herself in the galaxy for the first time in ages. She could have sworn she had that down to a subconscious function.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was hard to ignore that the harshest note was coming from him, but she wasn’t here to see into his mind and get nosy. Pushing uncomfortably past him, she set her jaw, finding the nature surrounding them. Here the Force was calm, stitching the world together in peace. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The trees here sang differently than on other planets, the predators and prey in the forest adding their own harmonies. Humans...they were not so easy to find. Exhaling, she imagined flattening her mind farther across the countryside. “There’s a settlement,” she found herself saying, eyes still closed. “It would be easier to fly, but we could hike. It would take…three hours each way?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She opened her eyes, looking at Ben who seemed to be contemplating their options. By the colour of the sky and the way the prime sat low he knew today a hike would not be possible. Not without completing their journey well into the night hours. But neither did he wish to fly. </span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>“You did well. It's not easy when you don't really know what you're looking for. How about we go there tomorrow?"  It seemed like a good way to get out, sitting idly was not one of his strong points and he was itching to do something. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sounds good.” A vague comment, the jangle of the Force still echoed in her ears. Words sat at the very tip of her tongue, ones she could not let go of.  “Could I…” She was going to regret this. “Could I say some things? And if you don’t like them, you can walk away? No harm done?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben's lips pursed, guarded. He really did not want to fight. Not again. Not now. Walking away? It was a novel idea but the pair were bound together and she was his only constant now.  Closing his eyes as his palm scraped down the front of his face a small nod was given. "Go ahead."  As if expecting the worst his arms folded across himself. Protective.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Folding her hands in front of her on the counter, she tried to ignore his snag in the Force. Although now that she had opened herself up to it, it was hard to ignore. “Chewie and I… we didn’t know each other, not really, when we went to Ahcht-To. We started to bond a bit when Luke was so obstinate. He didn’t appreciate his attitude.” She smiled weakly at that. “It wasn’t until I said I wanted to help you, though, that we became friends. He took me to you, he rendezvoused with me after, and he hid it all from the Resistance.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>He hid it from Leia.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The man remained still, his face and dark eyes unreadable. Like a caged beast, impossible to tell whether he would attack or cower. She had said she needed to speak, but it didn’t mean he needed to join in. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When people would talk about you, he made them call you Ben. Chewie wouldn’t take people saying bad things about Ben. He didn’t — couldn’t defend your actions, but he hasn’t stopped loving you.”</span>
  <span><br/>
</span>
  <span>Of all the things Rey could have spoken about, Ben had expected this the least. The shock of it would have taken his legs out from beneath him had he not been perched against the wall. He wanted to cut her off, to tell Rey she was wrong but he knew that look. He knew the look when she truly believed in something. It was the same look she had worn when she had taken his hand and they had turned upon Snoke together. When she had believed he had joined her in the Light. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Chewbacca had always been there for him. When Leia and Han were at each other's throat it was the walking throw rug who had taken him outside to play, or showed him which buttons and levers did what within the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Falcon</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Ben had realised at a young age it was the Wookie he came to miss more on his fathers smuggling runs than his own flesh and blood. Chewie had always made the time for his adoptive nephew. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I can never face him." Ben's voice was but a squeak, sounding every bit like a lost child. "Not after what I did."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Feeling as if she broke the most fragile part of him, Rey moved to hold his hands in hers. His face was breaking her heart, she could see all the different emotions flowing across his eyes. “I think you can,” she whispered fiercely. “Not today, not tomorrow — when you’re ready.” She took a familiar step forward. “I’ll help you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben's brow furrowed, and had there not been a wall at his back, he would have retreated to avoid her touch. "Sometimes I think it would be easier just to let you loose in my head rather than trying to find ways to say things that sound absurd aloud." </span>
  <em>
    <span>Deflection.</span>
  </em>
  <span> An easier path than focusing on the implications behind her words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite his apprehension, she continued her motion forward and wrapped one hand around his waist, letting her forehead rest on his shoulder. “So long as you say what you mean, you’ll never sound stupid.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's the problem." Ben chuckled humorlessly as his arms closed around Rey instinctively."I don't know what I mean half the time."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Me either…”  Looking up at him, she used their entwined hands to brush his jaw. “We’ll just have to practice.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ben smiled softly as he looked down at Rey. "I'm too scared you're going to kick me in my balls again whenever I open my mouth." He teased lightly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you’ll find I only kick your balls when you’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>not </span>
  </em>
  <span>being honest.” A fair point and one he couldn’t argue with. She let their hands rest on his chest, holding onto the moment in case it disappeared.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So it's settled then? Tomorrow we go hiking?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey gave him a look of disbelief. “You hike?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His brow raised in question. "What, you think I can't?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her fingers came up to his collar, tracing over the skin there. “I wasn’t sure your skin had ever seen the sun. I had never seen a person so pale before Starkiller.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Just because I didn't play in sand all day doesn't mean I can't handle the outdoors." Ben remarked, somewhat indignantly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rey shrugged. “I just assumed you would want to take the </span>
  <em>
    <span>Falco</span>
  </em>
  <span>n. You’re usually the impatient one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A smirk crept onto his lips. “You truly know little of me.”</span>
</p>
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